Self-Writing in the Service of My Ego

I am here. its 15 minutes to mid night. A very quick piece of self writing here.

Am I rushing, or am I sticking to the commitment to self writing? No point in rushing, rather, yes, its very late, but i am here, so i can write myself to freedom by sticking to the commitment. It is important I write at least this few minutes than not do it at all, because even zero action has an accumulative effort which may lead to entirely stopping self writing. I know, with self vlogging, there was a period when I just stop totally for like 3-4 weeks, then returning to self vloging was harder.

The continuity of self application is vital. Its not about ‘just do it’ principle, rather, writing with self introspection, writing with realisation. This is not a verbal diarrhea on written format. Rather this is me writing myself here, And this is not an announcement for fellow bloggers to read my blog either. I mean am i writing this so that others may read it? is that my starting point ? that would of course be self dishonest. That is not called self writing to freedom, rather, it should be called self writing for attention (to feed the mind through a backdoor).

So here I am, writing myself to freedom, just me writing about me for me. By the self, for the self. Yes others could read it for themselves, and identify the issues written here and relate it to them, hence, assist them to open up their own bullshit too. So this blog is assist-ive to others if it helps them to see their own bullshit. This blog is not a pass time nor an attempt at self entertainment (nor to entertain the readers).

This is me writing for me, about me, my process, how and what I go thru in my life and my process. Since we have the same minds, many can relate to this and find it assist-ive in their lives. Thats about it, i am not writing from the perspective of getting more readers, nor getting more attention from others etc.

Will I ever write for audience, meaning as a supportive piece for others ? Well, first, all writing is actually self writing.  Its simply sharing self here. I am sharing myself here. Any common sense shared in this is open to all, its “common sense” is visible to all, so all may read it and learn something from it. So yes, all my self writing is first for myself, and yes, it is open for all to share, though not direct at an audience.

So my starting point is not the audience, but myself. I have to be very clear on this point for myself, because I could really fuck myself up. I say I am doing self writing here, when in fact, all I am doing is, seeking attention through writing. So, self writing for freedom is in the service of ego.

Not acceptable. I am here.

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Words can Hurt.

I am here. Today is Jan 30, 2011, my daily blogging continues.

Words can hurt. Isn’t this obvious.

With a certain type of emotional mental state, I become totally nasty to the point where, I lose the message: words can hurt. I justify my words, I believe I have a right to speak nasty mean words. I believe that I am correct when I speak nasty mean words. How much I justify my words is just amazing.

Nasty means is not acceptable. My nasty words, how i speak with utter sharpness as if my words are a sharp knife is simply brutal. All this happens when taken over by emotional demon possession.

Tongue is a double edge sword, it can cut both ways. Gosh, I knew this all along, yet I never took the responsibility to hold my words back. Either in writing or in speaking, I never employed kindness. Once during an intense argument with my dad, this was in 2007 or so, our apartment was on the 9th floor, my angry words were so intense, I demanded him to jump off the building and finish his fucking life off. Wow, I cannot imagine I spoke such words, I have spoken similar cruel words to my brother too, in intense anger, I just tell them to finish their lives off.

Now, my comments are much gentler, it doesn’t demand the demise of my immediate targets of anger, rather I speak words now which hurts slowly, cruelly, with crushing pain and humiliation. Just as bad, i would say. From many years back, I remember people telling me that my spoken words are nasty, utterly insensitive. I admit, i have been insensitive as I never cared that others might be in pain upon hearing my words. total spitefulness.

Its time now, i stop this fucking accepted and allowed bulldog habit of mine, it is torturing myself and my loved ones. Of course, only at loved ones, I speak such, with strangers my words are as sweet as a melodious song. This is core of my deception, double face, just like my tongue is, they cut both ways.

Thanks to desteni, In sheer shame and humbleness, I take the responsibility to speak gently, no matter what. Direct yes, to the point yes, no beating around the bush, but always gentle, no need to for crushing words of anger, hurt, pain and humiliation.

If my words are not life supporting, how on earth can i participate in bring a new world that is best for all. Hence, I have a direct responsibility to walk a path of gentleness.

My tongue can no longer be a sword that destroys, no more, enough is enough. I simply speak the words that is best for all, in total self honesty to the point. Others may still get hurt, but it is not due to my nastiness, it is their own accepted and allowed self-dishonesty and emotional bullshit.

I am responsible for the words I speak. I am responsible for the demons that come out of my words. I am responsible for nastiness that comes out of my words. Here i take total self-responsibility.

Till here no further, I no longer accept and allow myself to speak in nasty mean words. I am gentleness. I am self honest in my words, yet always gentle.

I breathe.