15 | January | 2011 | Inspired by desteni

I am here. This one life, how am I living it is the question. Just existing as a robot programmed by society, fears, and media are bullshit. I cannot live as a robot. Obviously I am living as a robot, continuously giving into fears.

At the moment, one of the major patterns I give into is reacting when my wife speaks to other males. In other words, I go into jealousy as I see her communicate with other males. Obviously this reaction of mine is not fukcing cool, I mean WTF. Am I trying to control her life, how she live, how she talks, who she talks to etc. Goes without saying, I am living with a 200 years ago male’s mentality. I am basically telling her, listen: don’t talk to any other males, because I am the only one you should ever communicate, because obviously you are my property, i.e. my wife. So either obey my rule or leave. Either don’t’ make me jealous or just leave.

Strange. It is a shame with all the self-corrective tools and self-understandings, I am still living like a man from the 18th century, when it comes to possession of love. WTF. In this I am really sort of choking her ways of living, I am imprisoning her by denying her to have any male friends as she would like to. It is entirely up to her, whom she wants to communicate, and how she wants communicate etc. Of course, in her friendships with other males, if she indeed develop something more than a friendship then, obviously things will move on, a new direction for all of us. I mean, she is not going to live in a triangle, she will simply move on. So why the fuck do I unnecessarily entertain thoughts of suspicions and doubts about her as she communicates with other males? I am becoming a control freak, rather I have always been this control freak in relationships, always want to own the woman I am ‘in love’ with, not realizing in that I actually will end up killing the very love and the relationship. Because who wants to be with a male dominating control freak, packed with jealousy and possessiveness?

So this is a major drama going on in my life lately, I mean on/off this pattern shows up. I am never relaxed while I see her in communication with other males. This pattern of mine must be deleted, or else condemn myself to life long isolation and loneliness.
So how can I over this bullshit for once and for all? Certainly I must correct this bullhist otherwise it will haunt my whole life. Obviously first step is breath. Be the living breath here. Live as breath, because jealousy cannot exist within the breath, the pattern of jealousy cannot exist while I am here as breath. Mind is needed for jealousy to exist. Thoughts are needed for jealousy to exist. MCS is needed for jealousy to exist. Me here as the physical as the breath cannot possibly exist in and as jealousy. In fact breath is the only way to counter any mind pattern.

Breath is the boat to sail over any storm.

So clearly my commitment is first to live as breath, no matter what. As Bernard said many times, stay within the breath no matter what. I cannot control the self trust of another, I cannot control the self honesty of another. I cannot control the life principles of another. She talks, she talks, she goes, she goes. I am here as breath. It is her direction to decide ‘who she is’ within her reality. My question is, who am I and what will I accept and allow? Always, self first. I am the first point of correction, I am the first point of self-trust and self-honesty to focus on. Am I am trustworthy ? am I self honest ? can I be trusted with life, are the question I must answer ?
I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to exist as thoughts feelings and emotions of jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to trust my thoughts and feelings and then believe my jealousy to be real.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind when it says that I have all the reasons to be jealous.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to mistrust others and use that as a cover up to cover my own self mistrust.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to hide myself behinds another’s perceived manners of speak.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I own my wife and that she cannot talk to any other males.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to possess my wife as if she is my property.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to be so possessive.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to find all the right justifications to prove that my restrictions are valid. That I have the right to place restrictions for her.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to think that I can tell her not have male friends in her reality.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have and like females as my friends.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the females friends I have and yet deny my wife any male friends.

Clearly I am fearing my own bullshit. I am fearing my own self-deceit. I am living as a belief system for the sake of self interest and desire. WTF.
So the corrective solution is live as breath and not as any concepts. Never giving to the mind, no matter what. Never give up the breath, no matter what. I am here.
Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to follow thoughts of jealousy within me.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to doubt others, Instead I focus on me.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to worry what another is doing behind my back, rather, I focus on my own self-honesty.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to worry about another trustworthiness, rather, I develop my own self-trust. I become trustworthy.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to be concerned about another mannerisms, rather, I focus on my own life principles. It is what I do, that matters.

It is what I stand for that matters.

It is my own self trust that matters.

I am here as breath. Every breath in fact.