Hell is One Breath Away

Since around 3pm today, i have been feeling kind of low and down. Meaning, a slight version of depression, and self pity has taken me over. This energy possession is nothing unusual to me, its a very familiar takeover that happens every now and then, I have no idea why. When I enter this state of mind, its only a matter of minutes before I pick on something with someone. In the past, it was mostly my parents or brothers, I will never hesitate to lash out at them, for any trivial thing, it doesn’t matter, once I enter “that energetic mode”, all bets are off, fasten your seat belts, hell is just one breath away. It could happen anytime.

Living with my wife, things are bit different, i cannot just lash out, she is a tough gal, will not put up with my mode swings. I never had any live-together love-relationships before, so this is the first time I am actually living with a woman, ever since I left my parent’s home back in 1989 i always either lived alone or had male roommates. In terms of lovers, I never entered any living together agreements. It was just easy to have my own place and visit the girl friend every now and then. I mean why take all that trouble of living together. I am now married for 2 years, out that only about last 6 months period I am actually living together. So i am rather inexperienced when it comes to cohabitation. Most of our wars get trigged when I enter “that energetic mode”, as I become so needy and demanding her attention, naturally it turns her off big time. The principle of what you resist persist, I experience first hand. The more I demand her attention, guess what, less I get, then i get even more nasty. When I am all in a normal mode, there is hardly any problems.

I struggled with “that energetic mode’ for all my life, ever since i was child. I cannot describe what it is, it just takes over me, an energetic, emotional moody body, as if I am possessed, a compete take over. Only after inflicting a good doze of nasty words and pain to others, does “that” state cools itself down a bit. The more i pound better I feel. I become normal and gentle, i offer many words of apologies and sweet offers to make things up. I am out of words to describe “that” state, so let me borrow a new age term called “painbody”, meaning, old emotional shit, which gets activated, a complete takeover happens. Resonant possession, a demonic possession.

So, today, i went through this all too familiar drama, thank god, nothing dramatic happened, i just obnoxiously raised my voice, sort of a mean nasty way, but held my words back, didn’t voice them. I mean i have no idea how or what is this shitty emotional takeover that happens to me. Since desteni, i have become much “tolerable”, meaning i am less mean and less nasty. I just wish someday this bloody moody takeover will stop. i mean WTF, its so tiring and lonely to crush people so often.

Strangely enough, this very ‘problem’ made me very isolated person hence I became a seeker, always looking for some solution to assist me, of course most of the time i landed with this spiritual group or that, but “that” core problem never end or decreased. Only with desteni, i have the tools, and significant progress i have made in taming this emotional painbody beast within me.

End of the day, I realize whatever i experience, i am self responsible for. Simply because, had i stayed continuously and constantly within my breath, i could over come the power of “that”. But obviously, i give into my mind, which takes me for ride to ‘fuckup’ town. so the solution is amazingly simply, stay within the breath through any storm, and when i miss that simple principle, of course, hell is just one breath away.

Will I ever change? will i ever stop this emotional bullshit painbody within me? of course, i cannot just “stop” it, as it has its own momentum of 42 years of build up. But i have the most amazing power and responsibility to stay within the breath, for which there is no excuse.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to think that i am helpless when I am taken over by that state of mind.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to think that i must go thru “that” every now and then, simply because it is something i am so familiar with.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to give in to my mind.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i am addicted to regenerating my mind’s ego. i love my ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love my ego. therefore i love to feed it with mind energy. in the forms of fight and debates and accusations.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love blaming because in blaming i feed my ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to get an energetic feed session in the form of spiteful anger and hate.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to be angry.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to demand attention from others, otherwise i will be nasty. i love to be nasty.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that i love to be nasty.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i love to be mean.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i love to blame others.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in blaming i avoid my self responsibility.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing me so instead i am always looking to pound at others.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to define me as a moody person.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am condemn to a life time of moodiness. not realising within one single breath i can be free myself from this madness.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to like to be ,mad and angry. its so easy to live such life. living as breath is tough.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to define living as breath as tough. therefore i have already given me the permission to live as the mind. so naturally i have already accepted and allowed myself to be my mind and ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love my ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to have a fight because in that i feed my mind and its ego.

i am here. breath is my solution. in every breath i am here as the physical.

there is no other solution, i am here as breath. EVERY breath, i must be here, not just few breath now and some breaths later. no. that is not acceptable.

Because, for me, hell is just one breath away. So it matters absolutely that I live as my breath here in the physical in every breath. Otherwise my wife will show me what i have accepted and allowed, she will not put with my moodiness, Self responsibility for every breath is the point i am facing.

There are no excuses, every breath I must be here.

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