I am here. Today is Jan 30, 2011, my daily blogging continues.
Words can hurt. Isn’t this obvious.
With a certain type of emotional mental state, I become totally nasty to the point where, I lose the message: words can hurt. I justify my words, I believe I have a right to speak nasty mean words. I believe that I am correct when I speak nasty mean words. How much I justify my words is just amazing.
Nasty means is not acceptable. My nasty words, how i speak with utter sharpness as if my words are a sharp knife is simply brutal. All this happens when taken over by emotional demon possession.
Tongue is a double edge sword, it can cut both ways. Gosh, I knew this all along, yet I never took the responsibility to hold my words back. Either in writing or in speaking, I never employed kindness. Once during an intense argument with my dad, this was in 2007 or so, our apartment was on the 9th floor, my angry words were so intense, I demanded him to jump off the building and finish his fucking life off. Wow, I cannot imagine I spoke such words, I have spoken similar cruel words to my brother too, in intense anger, I just tell them to finish their lives off.
Now, my comments are much gentler, it doesn’t demand the demise of my immediate targets of anger, rather I speak words now which hurts slowly, cruelly, with crushing pain and humiliation. Just as bad, i would say. From many years back, I remember people telling me that my spoken words are nasty, utterly insensitive. I admit, i have been insensitive as I never cared that others might be in pain upon hearing my words. total spitefulness.
Its time now, i stop this fucking accepted and allowed bulldog habit of mine, it is torturing myself and my loved ones. Of course, only at loved ones, I speak such, with strangers my words are as sweet as a melodious song. This is core of my deception, double face, just like my tongue is, they cut both ways.
Thanks to desteni, In sheer shame and humbleness, I take the responsibility to speak gently, no matter what. Direct yes, to the point yes, no beating around the bush, but always gentle, no need to for crushing words of anger, hurt, pain and humiliation.
If my words are not life supporting, how on earth can i participate in bring a new world that is best for all. Hence, I have a direct responsibility to walk a path of gentleness.
My tongue can no longer be a sword that destroys, no more, enough is enough. I simply speak the words that is best for all, in total self honesty to the point. Others may still get hurt, but it is not due to my nastiness, it is their own accepted and allowed self-dishonesty and emotional bullshit.
I am responsible for the words I speak. I am responsible for the demons that come out of my words. I am responsible for nastiness that comes out of my words. Here i take total self-responsibility.
Till here no further, I no longer accept and allow myself to speak in nasty mean words. I am gentleness. I am self honest in my words, yet always gentle.