The fact is, I don’t want to change myself.

well, so much going on. a mind construct i am working on has been on hold for a while now. so tonight instead of blogging i am going to do that MC. there is perhaps deep seated believe that i cannot really change, so these mind constructs really not going to change me, they may outline as who/what i live myself as, but can they change me? no. so i carry that belief system within me. here i am standing on my own bullshit justifications, i can see i am a changed person compare to my pre-desteni days. so yes change has happened, indeed, so how did that self change i see in me happened? well application of self forgiveness and self honesty and participation in desteni process has been effective, then how could i so adamantly say that mind-construct cannot change me ? i don’t know if they can change me or not, but clear fact is i have not done a proper mind construct on my own, always avoiding them. whereas i have done self forgiveness on my own.

so until i do apply a desteni tool as it should be, i cannot really say if it is assisting me or not. here i am blindly avoiding mind constructs. it has been awaiting for me for a long time now.

i can see i have a deep seated believe that i cannot be change, or near impossible to self change me at the very core of me. perhaps that is why i am avoiding MC, or resonant course works.

well just have to do it. i realise that i am fucked very much, but that is no excuse, i also realise that by applying the tools consistently and pushing myself along with the tools, i can self help me. the key is self application. giving into the idea that i cannot be change, is worse form of self pity, its like saying i should be dead, why am i living etc.

i stop here. i walk this process, with tools in hand, i apply me, i push myself to apply the tools. Be it Mind constructs, or resonant course works, or self writing, or self-vlogging, or self forgiveness, i just do them, consistently.

do it regularly, consistently, then self will see the self change,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am unchangeable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am a hopeless case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that doing a mind-construct is useless because its not going to change me anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing Mind Constructs because i inherently believe that i cannot be changed, i am this, and this is it. how could anyone change me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i lack self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like been an ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the way i am so why bother to change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my bullshit existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that i don’t’ need change, and that i cannot be change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am beyond fixing. i cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am so bad that i cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have zero self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push people away who want to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid those who want to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like people who promote my mind constructs. so i can feel at home with them. no need to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  carry a deep seated self belief that i cannot be changed. no matter how amazing desteni tools are, they just cannot change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that how could i ever be like those destonians at the farm, could i change myself to be like them?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others so that its justifying not applying desteni tools.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just like the way i am, so no need to change. b’c i don’t’ like change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear undoing my bullshit mind-patterns. i would rather be that.

i stop the mind patterns.
i stop fearing change.
i embrace change.
i embrace self change.
i stop the self pity.
I am breath of life.
i stop being the ego
i stop the mind patterns.
i am here as the breath.
i don’t’ need mind patterns to tell me how to live my life.
i am breath.
i am here as physical.
i am one and equal to all here.
i don’t need my mind to tell me how to live.
i am changing.
i am self change.
i change myself.
i will myself to change myself.
i stop fearing to change me so it is best for all.
i am here as breath of life.
i am change.
i change.
i stop fearing mind constructs.

i am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this deep seated belief that i cannot be changed. this is the biggest self fuck up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i don’t want to change. i have not allowed myself to change. i holding back change. i am avoiding change. i am not pushing myself to change. its all still a drama, not real change is there, because i have not allowed me to change, yet. i am still falling back to the old style of ways.

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I am not a fucking joy killer.

i went a soccer tournament today, i found myself sitting between two soccer moms, one supporting the blue team and the other is green. obviously their sons were having fun in the field running after the ball and trying to score etc, but for the parents its a different story. they were so engaged in the game rather emotionally raising their voices in support for their kids and expressing frustration and bits of anger as the game went on.

first of all, yes its cool for the kids to have some fun in indoor soccer field in the middle of thick winter. they seem to have a great ball not much worried or getting all emotional but in the game sort to speak. for moms and dads they got ‘carried away’. i was rather a silent dad sitting but not cheering like they do. i figure its something to with ‘own child’ thing perhaps, an egoic extension through children.

competitive sporting brings defense of ego in full action.

then i saw how i too participate in national sports following and get all crazy about it. same bullshit, sports adoration. soccer moms/dads just do for their kids. while i do it for the national team. its all forms of ego boosting thru one team or another.

within equality equation, physical sports activity for children need not take competitive form, rather as self expression children having fun with a soccer ball. no need to win or loss, no need for parents to feel so proud or shame about their kids. no need to praise how mighty athletic their boys are, or need to compare and feel good about self. all this is ego madness.

funny thing to observe is how parents shouting son’s names as if their son is the only kid playing out there. And the verbal proclamations they do in the form of coaching/encouragement towards their kids is just amazing. “yes you can do it, get the ball, block it, take a shot, yes you do it, common now”.  it sounds a bit like a religious session. and when a scoring happens, omg, parents just go crazy in their jubilant expressions.

i guess, it is what it is. while sitting listening to these backbench parents-turned-coach  i was thinking to myself, “what if is this child of yours is starving to death”, kind of bitter question to ask, but the point is, “god you are so concern about your son scoring a goal, why not see the plight of million others who are suffering while you are having a soccer party?, yeah nasty on my part to think such. perhaps i was jealous since i don’t have a son of mine playing out there, through whom i can feel so proud about myself. well may be so.

yet i cannot dismiss the fact, children having fun is a right for every child, not just for the rich, every child deserve to throw a soccer ball around and have some fun, it must be a right to not just a privilege.

i am one vote for equality in children’s sports, so every kid can enjoy his/her childhood, play, run as he/she wishes. No child is ever denied the right to have fun in the fields, we will make sure a system of support will facilitate equality for all kids.

i mean, here only the rich get to have fun. yeah they all cheered the green team who won the game, but its really a shame, we all lose as long as someone is losing out there in this world.

one starving kid is one too many, and there is really nothing to cheer about, is there ? and don’t fucking call me a joy killer.