I am here, Feb 7th, 2011, my daily blogging continues.
Not so pleasant night tonight. I got sucked into an energy possession, WTF, this is now a very predictable and regular pattern I live and have been living. So what happened tonight.
I allowed myself to feel left out, I allowed myself to believe that others are putting me to aside, I allowed myself to think that I am alone, I allowed myself to dwell in that energetic possessive state. Now I can understand the term ‘possession’ very well, I see it is in me at least a few times a week. It used to be every morning and nighttime, I will get into the blaming, nagging, moody energetically demanding energy sucking beast, in that I believe that everyone hates me, rejects me etc etc. It will last a good 10 to 15 minutes of serious emotional pain, i mean, its not going to kill me, but a very severely painful sort of emotion, sucks for sure. When I am in that state, please fasten all your seat belts, i can be nasty. I will crush you with a pouting silent, or a pounding shout, verbal abuse is its name. I am sick and tired of this fucking shit i live myself as. I feel so helpless in that crushingly emotional state which gets frigged by so many little things. It could be food, at times eating greasy oily spicy food can knock me off very bad, Or it could be an irregular bowl movements, I could spin in energy possession for a whole day. And each time i take a shit, it seems to feel a little better and better, and finally with a clean bowl, i can relax, feel free from that energy possession.
As far as I can remember, I have been an energy possession type of a person, almost always, I would be in that cranky grumpy state, highly undesirable indeed. I literally feel that i have no control over this whatsoever, i mean, what the fuck, how can i manage and control my bowl movement regularity? Only so much fibre i can eat. Come to think of it, i hardly take good veggies, or drink a lot of water or eat good doze of fruits per day etc, i know i have had very good days with my bowl movement, just only one time visit for the whole day, As far as I can recall, a meal with tons of veggies, a lot to water, gives me a good movement and keeps me in a healthy state.
So basically my body is telling me that i am abusing it, by not eating with care, like taking the required stuff for the physical sustenance, drinking a lot of water etc. Abusing the body is not acceptable, neglecting the body is not acceptable.
I know, even the shit i take is life, is one and equal as life me. I have heard one can even talk to one’s shit, not that i have been successful in that. but i can see the common sense in that, if shit stops coming out, this body cannot live, it will die, taking a good shit is as important as breathing oxygen. No shit No life indeed.
So tonight clearly, my irregular bowl movement got me into that nasty energetic state of mind, of course, once i am there, all hell can break lose, you never know what will happen next. thank god, nothing bad happened, but as usual i got into that nasty moody state. it is suffering for others when i am that state, they fear it, never knowing what disaster may follow.
i have told so many times to myself, that i will not react, i will not show my anger, i will not blame, i will not find fault, yet, so easily and quickly i am become a nagger while in that energy possessive state.
ok, i am here, this new breath, i am still alive, world end has not ended, nor my life has ended, i am still breathing, i can still stop this pattern, i am not an eternal slave to my moodiness nor to the patterns of my bowl movements. i realise, i have to stop abusing my body, i have to care my physical with proper sustenance, not that i want to be a health-nut, no, just simple common sense of taking care of my body.
Still, there is no way to avoid the mind energy possession, i mean, thats something only i can stop it, no diet, no pill, no drink, no smile, no sex, no money, no love, no honey, no person, no family, no doctor, can stop the mind possession within my mind, only i can stop it. within that every moment, i have the direct power and responsibility to stop the mind forever, breath by breath of course. simply breathing, will do the magic, what am i waiting for?
ok, no more regrets, let me re-walk again, let me breath again, i am here, let me stop that mind energy possessive moody grumpy cranky depressive angry spiteful state, with one simple breath. i know i can do it. i feel sad that happiness is so far away for me, just because this bullshit mind energy thirst i get into, it seems i am so helpless. but not to worry, i am live, i am here, i am my physical, nothing is over, i will simply breath, will take proper meals, will drink ample water, will take the required supplements, and of course, i will self-forgive, and self-care, indeed my body is telling me to care for it.
So much commotion for not taking a good shit. gosh. but i am grateful, even my shit can assist me in my process while i am alive here. remember i am not dead, i am still alive. i can do this in this very breath. i am breathe.
With Equal Healthcare System in place, i am sure, even hidden secretive shameful issues like ‘Irregular Bowl Movements’, ‘Constipation’, ‘Moodiness’, will be effectively addressed and supported from various angles. Not just popping a pill, no, but effective wholesome care for the physical body, which will include self-forgiveness and self-honesty perhaps 3 times a day before and after meals. lol.
I am indeed one vote for an Equal Healthcare System, lets us all be well and live well.