cannot live like this. a decision must be made on how i am going to live the rest of my life. right now, i am basically a robot, totally controlled by anything and anyone. i rely on others to make me feel good, i want others to give me total attention, everything about me atm requires the other. when the other is not so forthcoming, i resort to blame, with a nasty sharp tongue i go on blaming. in other words, i am not living a self responsible life that is good for me and good for others. so i can see until i take total self responsibility things aren’t going to look pretty. in fact, things are really going to get bad, worse in fact.
apparently May-21-2011 the so called preprogrammed life of mine is over, now either i must stand up as a responsible human or just perish. well just dying away is a useless option, so might as well really consider what it means to be a living human being.
i have to decide what am i going to allow and not allow. all kinds of emotional bullshits are running my life now, i let any little thing become a big hill. i let any little challenge turn into a big fear, well a long list of bullshits i have accepted and allowed within me as me, and i live that shit.
so this is the decision i must make: at every breath, am i willing to breathe with awareness, become here, be here, then consider what is best for all, in that not giving into the momentum of the ego. this decision doesn’t mean i am a saint over night, nor transcended all points over night, no not at all. the decision simple means that i am willing myself to live one breath at a time. yes focusing on the small picture, the breath by breath picture, and then make it effective. while at the same time, relentlessly participating in Equal Money.
a decision to give up the old ways must be made. a decision to give up the fears must be made, a decision to give up the old patterns must be made. the core of this decision is to live as breath, NO MATTER WHAT.
so tonight, it is my decision, i embark myself on this great journey of life, to rebirth myself as life, by simply making a decision to live as breath. here. i cannot let anything to enter my inner space, no motion, no motion, no lose motion, no judgement, no fear no thoughts, no egos, no history, no past, no anxiety, no abuse, no hate, no anger, no rage, no hate, no personality, no ‘I’, all there is simply the breath here, and then directing self to do what is best for all.
Rebirthing self as life through the physical is a decision. Like they say in spiritual new age bullshit circles, ‘Happiness is a decision’. And that decision is to live as breath no matter what.