my urge to self destroy is getting stronger these days. I suppose these are the days of self-sabotage, its a phase within the process each is walking now. For me, i have always been a master at self-sabotage. I am driven by emotions to self-destroy, more than anything. When I feel certain painful feelings I will justify to myself that, yes I must quit, I must end. I have resigned a few jobs in the past within the first 2-3 years into the job, when the going get tough I will simply call it a day. Or when a relationship becomes a bit painful, I will walk myself out of it. Not realizing the emotions that i feel is something i must transcend without running away from the issue. Ok how many times am i going to resigned a job, how many times am i going to quit a relationship, how many times am i going to move out this town?
when and as i see myself justifying myself to ‘quit’ something, i will hold myself there, not allow myself to follow through on it. because i know, once i give into the process of quitting, its a matter of time, the quitting will manifest, i have been there many times, i have quieted many times, i left relationships many times. so when and as i see myself preparing to leave, i will simply breathe here, as i know one day i will be a deadman, will be buried 6 foot under, so no point really quitting this job or relationship, better to work it out, better to speak/talk and reach an agreement. yes, without ever giving into the emotions of wanting to end, i can leave a situation if it is the last resort, but it is certainly not the first resort. so when and as i see myself wanting to end something, like a job or relationship, i simply return to breath, i am breathing, i am alone here, as in life and death everyone is alone, so why bother to runaway just because i feel a bit of emotions called ‘pain’. it just emotions, energy. tomorrow, i will not even know what is this pain i feel today is like, for sure, i cannot remember any emotions/pain/hurts i felt yesterday or yesteryear, yet i have often ran away from many situations because i just could not bear the pain of the moment. so i have been there, i see how in futile to running away is. i am breathing. so when and as i see myself wanting to end, i simply breath, as i know, i should be here now, not within the process of thinking about how to end, at which, i am a master. so remain here.
oh god, how many times have i ran away? how many times will i threaten people that i will ran away? i am breath i am here.
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