As far as I can remember, getting up in the mornings was never a pleasant experience for me, as I often found myself in a bad mood. This morning moodiness perhaps caused by stomach conditions (or whatever) often puts me in war with others. I mean here I am all moody and cranky minutes after waking up, and I am like a vampire looking for blood, on the look for trouble waters, either i will carry on all day with that moodiness or dump it on other via a fight.
Looking back now, i can see this is exactly how I screwed up all my relationships, be it romantic or otherwise. Perhaps physical conditions of my stomach is such that there is a degree of discomfort in the mornings, until I release myself, so perhaps I have a bit of a physical disadvantage compare to most happy go lucky morning birds, but it doesn’t mean I have an open license to declare war against everyone around me just because I woke up with a bad mood. Of course had I taken any liquor the night before then the next day is a whole different story, it will be nuclear war of words and abuse.
Today lying on bed, I can see the so-called nasty moodiness has been activated as usual, my thoughts started to run its story, which is always the case, my moods are always followed by a story in my head which only compounds my emotional state, from been a normal devil I slowly become a blood hungry demon. I need a fight. So as I woke up today like any other day, I was feeling that moodiness, stories are running, all the bullshit I can think of in relation to my current life situation and past etc, I am building up a case against everyone, as if I am seeking victory against everyone. What total madness, I am allowing my mind state to create hell for me and others just because my thoughts feelings and emotions say so. And I have done that a lot of times.
Now as things are compounding I cannot allow such moodiness to take me over, I mean either I become totally self responsible to contain my morning moodiness or I allow demon possessions takeover. The point is no matter what I feel, what moodiness goes on within me, no matter what stomach/body conditions caused mind moodiness, I am always self-responsible for how I handle my moodiness. I cannot ever say ‘hey my moodiness made me do it’, yes perhaps i could say ‘the devil made me do it’, but cannot blame it on my moods.
The bottom line is, I am 100% self responsible for what I feel and experience within me. I cannot ask for others to fan out my moods, I cannot ask others to speak words of solace to fan out my moods. I mean who is going to put up with my moods, who is going to take crap from me and still willing to fan out my moods? I have been always blaming others and demanding others to fan out my morning blues. Its not working, it never worked in the past, it is not working the present, and certainly won’t work in the future.
I alone am responsible for what i feel and experience within me, no other human being is ever responsible for what goes inside my little head. But i have blamed the world for it. I have blamed everyone for what goes inside my grey matter. Perhaps there is nothing much i can medically do to fix the stomach issues, perhaps there is, I have to investigate some sort of bridge-help to assist to contain my stomach discomfort in the mornings, drink a lot more water perhaps? But no matter what, I am responsible for what goes within my mind. I cannot demand others to cure my body nor my mind. I am here with the power of breath this very moment, and that is my only point of power to find calmness for myself, this breath here now. Until i find that eye of the needle, within my breath here, and take total self-responsibility for myself here, my morning blues will continue to destroy my life.
And i have allowed it, nobody else.
with desteni process, i am learning to take self responsibility for myself, even for things like thoughts, emotions and feelings that runs inside the mind creating self hell. The good news is its never too late, i am still here alive, i am not dead yet, i am here, i am breathing, so i have a chance to live my life here in peace. To rest in peace after my death is useless, i want to rest in peace here now within this breath while i am still alive. thanks to desteni process, i am making progress. breath by breath, not allowing any falls to be THE fall, but simply standing up, again and again.
Amazing, i am breathing again.