Halloween is everyday, as I am an attention seeking energy sucking vampire.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self pity. I do so because I want attention from others, which I believe as care from others, its not care I want but attention.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self pity because then I will allow and accept myself to blame others. Self pity is a perfect ground to start blaming others.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that blaming will set myself free from pain. After all its the others who has give me pain. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave for attention not realizing it is the pain within me wants feeding. I like to feed the pain in me via seeking attention.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never ask the questions why is it that I am seeking attention? what is that I am trying fill up? what is the need for attention? what satisfaction its going to bring? physical care is one thing but mental emotional feeding is another which is what I really crave for. 


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by seeking attention from others.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not even consider that my own self-presence as more than enough, there is no need to validation or approval from others. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself seek others and their approvals and validations so that I can feel alive. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself want others to make me feel alive, as if without another’s approval and validation i have no self worth. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it is energy feeding from another that I crave. It is a form of mind energy from others that I crave. Be it in the form of approval or validation, or looks or even conversations, or discussion are all forms of seeking energy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to argue with others just for the sake of keeping the conversation going so that the argument will serve as an energy feed. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask people questions just for the sake of keeping a conversation going, so that the energy feed towards me is there.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire phone calls or chats or letters or replies or meetings because all such is mere energy feeds for my mind, in that I am really not participating with the being as equal and one, but rather getting a much needed energy feed for my mind in the form of attention disguised as emails, letters, phone calls or meetings. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire attention from children, therefore I have allowed myself to joke around to make myself a clown for children so that i can get their smiles and attention.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a joker, to crack jokes, to make outrageous comments, just to invoke a response from others so that I can get their attention to me. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from others in so many ways, in that i realize i have never been with others as equal and one in presence, but always as a energy seeking mind demon demanding energy from others in the form of attention. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself crack jokes believing myself to be a funny guy, its not that I am a funny guy rather energy seeking guy, constantly on the look to feed my mind.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught in the feelings and emotions of the mind, not realizing those are the mind generators, I do no need thoughts emotions and feelings to be aLIVE here as breath. All I need is breathe. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that seeking attention from others as normal thing to do, i have allowed myself to believe that cracking jokes as normal and its normal people like me for my jokes. Not realizing it is the joke people are interested in, not having a real conversation with me, which means i will have to keep on joking so that they will be here with me, give me their attention and presence. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others so that they will keep on giving me their attention to me. I have allowed myself to do little tricks so that they will keep on liking me. Never realizing why can`t I just be here as the breath of life, and letting others be here too, if they need a chat they will talk, and let it be a real chat. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself believe that I must do little tricks like cracking a joke, or asking an out of the blue question just to keep them entertain and focused, so that I will get their attention to me


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself desire to be a demon, an energy sucking demon, always looking for attention and energy feeds from others. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself see myself as a clown so children can find me to be entertaining, never been the real me, always trying to win the smiles and attentions of kids. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everyone should give me attention when I am sick or not feeling well, they must all call me, email me, fax me, chat with me, poke me, write on my wall, do something to show me that they care about me, not realizing in all that i am craving energy from others like vampire i am craving screaming and shouting for their energy attention. And believe their energy attention to be caring. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define care as energy from others. not realizing there is no need for energy as thoughts emotions and feelings to show care. care is physical, doing any physical activity to support is caring. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that listening to my sad self-pity stories is a form of care. and if they dont`listen to my sad stories then they neither love me nor care about. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when i am in a bad mood i must be able to dump that shit onto others, and allowing such is caring. I have allowed me to believe dumping shit onto others as caring from their part. not realizing dumping my emotional shit onto others is abuse of life.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the entire problem of attention seeking has to do with my mind wanting energy, because i refused to be here as breath of life, i must  therefore feed my mind, and that feeding is what seeking attention is all about. had I remained as breath here, been breathing equal and one to my physical, then there is no need to feed the mind in any form of energy. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that bickering is a form of energy seeking for the mind. its attention seeking via a grand battle. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize all forms of conflicts, fights, debates, are ego or mind looking for energy and attention.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not realize that attraction is a form of attention, coupled with sexual feelings. its feeding the mind on a double doze. yet having sex without any sexual attraction is equally satisfying, its the mind that believe that I need smoking hot fire attraction to have sex. 


So when and as I go into that craving, needing, give me attention type situation, i stop myself from compounding, I realize it is the mind wanting energy feed, to make itself feel alive. because i am alive here already, my breath here is a confirmation that i am alive here, i don`t need mind to confirm my aliveness, now that is needing attention. So i remain here as breath of life, i breathe, i support me with breathing. i realize that mind is a master vampire in seeking energy, its very nature is demonic, so i stay here within and as breath of life. i breathe.


Happy Halloween. 


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Thanks.

Should I think or breathe while I drive ?

Breathing to be with the physical. I found while driving long distance trips, I etheir get lost in my thouhgts, or listen to some music to entertain myself. So I realize it is better to breathe and be here as physical, its a better a way to enjoy driving long trips. I mean what I am getting out of non stop thinking or listening to endless musci for 4-5 hours. After all I will have to breathe anyways while I drive, so might as be fully here be present and be the breathe of life.

Breathe, breathe breathe.