Day 45 – This One Life to Waste it Away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into the thinking machine which is raging like a river with old emotions and feelings. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get sucked into mind’s story/machine which is pulling me to keep on thinking/feeling the old stuff and in that the old emotions can be felt and relived. Not realizing in all that I am still here, and I am the directive principle who can direct me what to think and what not think, either to breathe, or not to breathe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as an automated, auto pilot, mind that does things on its own, 100% automated, largely thinking feeling and generating emotions within the body and in all that I allowed me to sit/hide and be lost, not taking the responsibility to stop that which is not real, that which only made real by the mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I am thinking is not 100% correct or the 100% truth, its by and large made up by the mind for its own survival, the survival of my Consciousness which at all cost will seek to win against made-up enemies. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back again and again to the mind machine to thinking/feeling so I can live out the nasty imaginations, not realizing I am just thinking nasty shit about others hoping that will give me solace and a feel-good feeling. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think within the believe that it is going to make all things better just by thinking. Not realizing thinking only will make things worse as it will compound the energy and possible consequence will manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the mind though not my enemy, it doesn’t do what is best for all, nor for me, my mind’s only purpose is its own survival, at any cost. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get sucked in thoughts, emotions and feelings and be driven by their force and in that abdicate my responsibility to stand here as LIFE as breathe of LIFE. It is my responsibility to walk as breath here in this one life.

So many life times I have walked very similar process, where love, sex, relationships blues, worries, anxiety, money ruled my life times, and then days went by, life times went by, always returning to the same point of DEATH. Then restarting all over again the same bullshit of money, sex, love, relationship blues, worry, anxiety, etc. Here I have one life time, this life time, (well 43 years gone), whatever years left in it, am I going to waste away in worry, anxiety, anger, hate, memory, sex, money, relationship blues, just like all other times, just like any other human, and then die away? When I look at many who are suddenly dying like my friend Ravi, or Todd who died suddenly at 40, I see they lives just vanished, they had it all, just like me, they had it all, jobs, the normal life, then viola one fine day, death came, the normal life ended. Just this one life, can I dedicate to live for LIFE, meaning, to not give into Consciousness, not to give into emotions, thoughts, feelings, to the mind’s machine. I mean, so easy to follow the mind, its nasty anger, rage, revenge, scold, blame, bitterness, meanness, spitefulness (deliberate hurt), all that is what Consciousness/Mind loves, so here is my chance, this one life, to live so what I can LIVE for and as LIFE, here as breathe,. This is call birth of life. to Live here is birth of life.

I mean when I look back at my life, I see years and years of the same old pattern, morning mood for example, how many days I would have woken up with rage anger and bad nasty anger at somebody then looking for nasty spiteful ways avenge it. I recall waking up in anger and sudden burst of bad moods towards my parents, I mean it would be so real and nasty, likewise I did the same to my brother, direct my anger towards him. There had been always a mind enemy for me with whom I battle/conflict/friction so mind’s urge for battles was satisfied. I see the bullshit nasty game I got caught in and played all throughout my life. Never once was I able to stop, and ask What am I gaining, what am I winning here? what am i fighting this fight for? it was a fight just for the sake of fight, so feel good, mind needs energy, the usual boost, which comes from fights/friction/conflict with others. its like 2 stones rubbing against each other make to fire, that’s exactly happens in fights, the fire of energy is birthed for the mind to live longer. yet as fight/conflicts/friction is fought, much harm and damage is done to the physical body and of course for other humans who are part of the fighting equation.

When and why this must stop? I stop this now, and why? because this ONE LIFE to live, to birth me as life, this one chance, I mean, what a great opportunity, a chance, how often does such chances come? Where is ravi now, where is Todd now? I mean are they walking as humans at this moment? I dont’ know, but for sure, they dont’ have the chance in the physical to birth themselves as life. Animals don’t have a mind, plants dont’ have a mind, its the humans who got the chance and the challenge to birth themselves as LIFE. The dead are dead, meaning, they lost the chance in the physical. In the afterlife they will do their birthing process I guess, I don’t know, but I know for sure, my life is HERE, I am breathing, and I have a change to birth me as life, in this one life time. Will I make it or ruin it? Breathe by breathe its a decision, a commitment, a direction, so I can birth me as life.

I know one thing for sure, things like moody blues, anger, rage, revenge, spite, I have had for 43 years hasn’t got me anywhere, I mean yeh it gave me a momentary bits of rewards and apparent victory over others, nothing really great came out of it. But I am here still, at the same point of rage, anger, bitterness, nastiness, relationship blues, etc etc, so same point, different actors in the scene, but the same story.

I can stop here, breathe, look at the physical, be with the physical, and not give into the mind. This is a one time chance. this one life time to birth me as life. I mean i will not have this chance in the physical once I am dead, am I?

So here I am deciding, dedicating, committing myself to walk this ONE LIFE, to birth me as LIFE through the physical. No matter what, I will stand for life, though I am hesitant to make that statement, but yes it must be made, “No matter” I will stand, otherwise, a little storm my resolve will end. So it must be stated: No matter what I will stand to birth me as life in this one life time, no matter what I will not ruin this life time, and live as a normal mind/consciousness. So I commit me, to walk this life breath by breath, to stop my mind, my thoughts, emotions, and feelings, by been HERE as physical.

My body is here. Just be with my body, here, breathing, feeling the physical body, not giving into the thoughts, emotions, feelings, Here I am.

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