Day 201 – I don’t remember my thoughts from last weekend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, if I were to listen and trust each and every thought in my mind, I would be living in a mental hell. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate my mind, not ask the question “how many thoughts did I have in the last 44 years, what kind of thoughts did I have, what if I trusted and believed each such thought, could I actually trust my thoughts?” etc. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, the thoughts in my mind appear so real and directive, meaning, they appear to be the living force of my life, telling and directing me how to live and how to deal with everything, yet within this I see/realize clearly that if I were to examine every thought that I have had in the last 44 years, a living mental hell is obvious. in this I must ask the question then how I can trust this mind that I claim to be I am?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, my mind and its thoughts are controlling devices, they are meant to control my life. within this I see/realize that me trusting/following/participating in my mind and its thoughts is a sure way to hell, at least a mental living hell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my mind is actually showing me what I have accepted and allowed within me throughout the years. within this I see that no external force is implanting thoughts onto my mind, only I am allowing and accepting the thought-buds as they ‘appear’. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never ask the question “who creates these thoughts in my mind”? where do come from? who designed their cruel, nasty mean nature? Did I design my thoughts that way? within this I see/realize even though I may have not created the thoughts as such one by one, but certainly I participated in them and allowed their continuation and existence within my mind, therefore I see it is my responsibility to STOP the participation within my mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, my mind is a mining device, and it mines from the body depleting the human physical body/substance. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, it is my fear to ‘let go’ of mental things like feelings, fears, memories, experiences, future projections, anticipations, desires, hurts, spite, worries, anxieties, wants and cravings that keep my mind, the mining device at constant work producing an ocean of thoughts non-stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, my entire story, my personalities, future, present, and past exist as thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize thinking is the fastest way to grow old with body depleting (thanks to thought production), in this I see/realize breathing is the only salvation here. within this I see my mind is neither foe nor friend, it is simply showing what I have accepted and allowed within me, therefore I direct myself to breathe and NOT participate in my mind/thoughts.

It is very obvious I cannot trust my thoughts because I know what would have happened had I trusted/believed each thought in the last 44 years. not pretty. so I know the thoughts I have today will be gone, vanished, many years down the road I will not remember what I have been intensely thinking all day today. what a foolish thing, so passionately and intensely I think thoughts today but to be entirely and totally forgotten down the road. will I remember my thoughts in 10 years from now? how about next weekend, will I remember what I am thinking now? I doubt it, because certainly I cannot recall my thoughts from last weekend.  This is the irony of thoughts, a fleeting, vanishing fart-like entity has so much power within my mind, only because I allowed it by participating in it. 

within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have allowed me to be a fool because I have allowed vanishing wind/thoughts to oppress me, so much so resulting in the depletion of my body/physical. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, I am suffering, my body is suffering, my life situation is suffering just because I allowed thoughts to have the directive power in my life. within this I see/realize/understand, no self-change is ever possible if I don’t make that one decision to STOP participating in my mind and do what is best for all. in this I see breathing is the key self-support for myself.

I commit myself to support me and my body by stop participating in thoughts. I commit myself to breathe and support myself to slow down, to stop my mind. I commit myself to realize that all-consuming all powerful thoughts that I am having today/now will be forgotten in hours or days, just like how I don’t remember any thoughts from last weekend. I commit myself to realize that I have given all my life force/power to thoughts and said “be the director, the god of my life”. So I commit myself to stop and breathe, to remain here as physical, as the direct-will that I am.

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