Day 237 – Flying kites with my dad in Sri-Lanka.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize a commitment is needed/required to live within each breath, not allowing/participating in the things of the mind.

It comes down to what is the purpose of my life? is thinking and thinking, feeling, getting caught up in emotions, is that the purpose of my life? because that is what I have been doing for the most part of my life. From the the moment I wake up through the day, all I do is thinking/imagine/backchat, blame, scold, hope, anticipate, look for excitement, or be angry, depressed, sad, lonely, worried, etc, so those are the mind-stuff, the stuff mind consciousness is made up of, when activated they suck the live force, the substance out of my body, effectively turning me into an energy providing slave. My life has no other primary purpose, this thinking/feeling/worrying/ stuff is what I mostly do effectively wasting my whole life so far.

in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the purpose of my life so far is about thinking, and think more, in that spend vast amount of time, if not all of my time, within my mind, within the imaginary world within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, my mind is an automated thinking box, which never shuts down, not even when I am sleeping, within this I see/realize that I have become a slave within my mind. Instead of living, breathing, been here in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dedicate this entire life, this one life of mine, just for the mind, for thinking, feeling, fearing, dwelling in emotions, getting angry, getting jealous, getting worried, all that mind stuff, therefore I see/realize a commitment, a dedication, an effort is needed to ground myself here in and as the breath of life, within each moment of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, my whole life, every breathing moment of it, can be wasted living inside the head worrying about something, or thinking about something, or getting angry about something, or desiring something, or getting jealous about someone, or comparing myself against someone, or fearing something or someone, or regretting my past, or hoping/dreaming about an amazing wonderful future, or building castles in the sky, or fearing to take any practical steps, within all that I see/realize how I can waste my whole life, and never ever stop for a moment just to be here, as breath, as breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, a whole life can be wasted in waiting, in hoping, in throwing spite at others, in holding onto grudge, in looking forward to taking revenge, etc, within this I see/realize its not worth it to waste my life on mind-stuff, and moreover, its endless, I mean, thinking/worrying/hoping is an endless job, unceasing until death.

Here an old memory pops up, my dad and me making and flying kites when I was in grade 5-6, I recall him giving full attention while building the kites very meticulously, but the rest of the entire time with him, I remember him as someone who is totally and completely consumed/occupied/buried in his thoughts/thinking/worry/anger etc, it was indeed rarest of rare to see him ‘not possessed’ by his mind.

Looking back now I see it was like living with a dead-man because there was no man, a mere corpse ever ready to explore, simply a dead-man walking around. Now passing 80, still I see the same man, completely occupied, extremely stuck in something within his mind, the very sight him angers me, obviously I am an exact copy of him, an occupied, busy, possessed human, never ever here as breath even for a moment.

So I stop, I breathe, I let go, for a moment, at least, I let go, I stand here, then from here moment to moment I walk seen/realizing my other option is to be the copy of my dad and be a mere corpse, a zombie, totally occupied, never ever here. Its kind of sad to see/realize how nothing could have snapped him out of his mindness, his eternal worry, oh well, he will walk his own process and will come to understand for himself, but I see/realize that I must stand, having seen/realized and witnessed a living zombie, there is no more excuse to postpone this, time to stop, time to commit, and not waste away my life in thinking.

When and as I see myself showing signs of zombie-like living totally and completely lost in my mind, I STOP, I breathe. Otherwise I know the only purpose left for my life would be just that: thinking, getting lost in the mind and then die away.

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