Day 238 – Backchat: Angry voices in my head silently demanding my mother to kill herself.

At times, I have this backchat, the voices, the conversations inside my head, telling/screaming at my mother: “go drink some poison and die“. Nasty shit. It is no less terrible because I only thought so and didn’t actually speak them out. I realize/see I must stop the voice inside my head, otherwise they will pile up, the energy in the mind will build up, and then only God knows what consequences, and physical actions may follow as a result of build-up energy outbursts. So I release them with self-forgiveness and correct myself to STOP such thoughts, and thinking period, with breathing as self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to silently speak the words: “Go drink some poison and die” directed at my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to silently tell my mother to “go kill yourself“.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the words, speak the words within my mind, “go drink some poison and die“, in that I forgive me for believing that I can say anything when I am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can think any nasty shit inside my mind about others when I am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, words as thoughts spoken silently within my mind, have consequences. in this I forgive me for believing that thinking shit is OK because apparently it is silent, therefore has no consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can tell others to “go die, go kill yourself” within my thoughts when I am angry at them. in this I see/realize how much nastiness I have accepted and allowed within myself though believing that it has no consequence because they are only thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yell/scream at others within my mind telling them to “go die, go to hell, go kill yourself” believing that such thoughts to have no consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scream within my mind when I am angry, by speaking nasty shit silently within my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yell and scream at my mother within my mind, telling her “go die, go to hell, go kill yourself“, as if I really wanted her to do that, in this I forgive myself for thinking and believing that I can scream crazy, nasty shit at people when I am angry at them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, violence will cease only when violence ceases inside the mind, inside my mind, otherwise I will contribute to personal and collective violence by thinking crazy violent shit in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show my anger towards my mother by screaming at her within my mind, by thinking “go die, go drink some poison and kill yourself, go to hell“, etc, within that I see/realize the burst of range and anger I have allowed within myself. I stop, I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I have to breathe and let go of any and all backchats from my mind, otherwise I see/realize they can pile up and lead to consequences for myself and others.

How can my mother ever trust me? or even be at my sight and feel comfortable in my presence when I have these kind of thoughts about her? What will her experience be if she knew that I am speaking such nasty words about her inside my head? So the sound of violence must stop at thinking, first. in this I see/realize I must direct myself to stop and breathe, and let go.

Now why I am so angry at my mother? why do I want her to “drink poison and kill herself“? Why do I want to her torture herself to death? Anger, memories of anger, my belief that she ignored me and was cruel to me during my youth. My idea that she was a nasty horrible uncaring, never-present, cruel, mean, mother, who loved me not. within such thoughts, memories, ideas, I have accumulated much anger towards my mother, and have resulted in severe backchat about her.

so in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my mother was no good to me during my youth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother ruined my life during my youth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother was so nasty that she deserve to die horribly. within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify anger towards her, instead of breathing and letting go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am holding onto memories, ideas, pictures of the past, and within that judge her and allow my anger towards her. in this I forgive myself for justifying my anger towards her, instead of breathing and letting go. Otherwise, memories will never go, I must wait till my death to be free, so I let go of the memories, thoughts, beliefs, pictures, ideas, by simply breathing and not participating in them any more.

I see/realize every human being is a demon, conditioned by the mind conscious system, not knowing anything about how to care for self or for others, that is the kind of world we live in, the kind of systems we have. so I see/realize its not personal, its the system, its the mind-system that lead people to do terrible things to self and others.

within this I see/realize screaming/shouting nasty thoughts towards my mother or anyone else for that matter is useless, therefore I let go, I stop, I breathe.

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