Day 245 – Irrational Fears of Authority. Policeman in the head.

I understand if I had done something ‘wrong’, a ‘normal fear’ as consequence will run in my mind crazy, that is kind of expected. However, what’s funny in my case is I have an irrational fear of authorities though I have done no wrong.

Its like a little policeman sitting on my head and telling “oh no may be you did something wrong, may be you broke the rules, may be you did something illegal perhaps unknowingly but you still did it”.

To give 2 nice examples, the other day my manager at work called me, he wants me to drop by his office, wow, I just went to that irrational fear again, feeling all kinds of what-if scenarios etc, as I was walking to his office. I was thinking “what did I do, what rule did I break, am I going to lose my job” etc. The 2nd example is today my office laptop when I tried to login it said “account is lock, contact IT”, ok, I just have to contact the IT desk tomorrow and sort it out, instead what I do: go into all sorts of irrational fears, may be I did something with my office laptop, may be mistakenly I went to prohibited sites, may be I downloaded something, may be I downloaded something about sex, may be the word SEX was found in some file or whatever, some fear/panic is running in my mind, the policeman in the head is screaming loud pouring out irrational fears.

A memory pops up, when I was a teen during school days, I remember the head-master would call out my name in front of the class and sometimes in front of a whole section of classes: “Anton Fernando,  the principal wants see you at his office, right NOW”.  Oh no, hearing those words, I would start to sweat and panic while walking towards his office, and for sure I was punished for breaking school rules the day before. The issue was I had thrown stones towards the girl’s school next door and it stuck on somebody’s head, and of course such dangerous behaviors are not tolerated at school grounds, so obviously I was punished and I accept that. But why carry that memory even now and experience panic each time I am called by figures of authorities. Perhaps that memory and the pre-programmed policeman-in-the-head is still controlling me and giving me all sorts of irrational fears about breaking-rules and authorities in general. I breathe I let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and panic as I was called into my principal’s office during my teen years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear towards my principal and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear persons of authority believing that they are after me, to get me for something I have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand as a teen that throwing stones can dangerously hurt somebody, within this I forgive me for not considering other students as myself and stopping such behaviors within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear persons of authorities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that persons of authority are out there to ‘get me’, and so within this I forgive me for fearing them irrationally without any actual physical evidence or cause.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear as I was called into my manager’s office, within this I forgive me for fearing my manager just because he is a person in authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when my office laptop said “account locked” within this I forgive me for fearing that I must have done something bad or illegal with my office laptop, or I must have broken some work rules.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear authorities and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always believe that I must have done something wrong, I must have broken some rules, I must have done something illegal, I must have gone to some prohibited site, I must have downloaded something, I must have some SEX photos I have download and that is why I am fearing. within this I forgive me for justifying my fears and believing in my fears, not seen/realizing that there is a policeman in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job just because I couldn’t log into my work laptop within this I forgive me for fearing that I must have done something really bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from figures of authority and within that I forgive me for not realizing that the separation is what causing the fears. in this I see/realize I am one and equal to all figures of authorities. I see/realize the blindness, the irrationality of fears, and the policeman in my head, so I direct myself to breathe and stop these fears.

When and as I see myself fearing that I must have done something ‘wrong’, ‘bad’, ‘illegal’ etc, I STOP, I breathe. In realizing that the policeman in my head is directing me, not me as breath/life. So I stop, I breathe and I direct myself to face the situation whatever it may be and sort it out in common sense. I am one and equal to the authorities, the rules, the system, they are not above or below me, I stand equal to them, in this I support myself with breathing.

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