Day 269 – Astrologers, Palm readers, Birth charts and Chinese Fortune Cookies.

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That’s one of the things I enjoy about going out for Chinese food, is the lucky make-me-feel-good Chinese Fortune Cookies. And today my fortune cookie said: “Just be yourself, you’re wonderful”. I couldn’t resist a smile on my face. A fucking cookie can pull such trick on me. I guess this could open a can of warms: Feel good fortune telling from the past.

Before my desteni.org days, I was an addict to visiting fortune tellers; just want to hear some good stuff about me. Back in the days in Sri-Lanka, I was an addict on Viagra to visit fortune tellers. I must have been to at least 50 fortune tellers in my life, and each such visit I went with so much excitement and thrill to hear some news about me with so many questions.

How my life will work out, who will I marry, will I be rich, in which country I will live, will I get advanced education, will I own properties, what my past lives were like, have I inherited some great karma from the past, will I have a stable family life, will I travel abroad, will I settle in one the western countries, will I start a business, will I be wealthy, so many questions to be answered, and so I believe and trusted in the fortune tellers, even 50 visit is a small number, maybe I went for more, but the point here is how crazy I was about fortune telling, how crazy I was about astrology, about western or Chinese astrology.

I am a Sagittarian, born in the Chinese year of Money, therefore it makes me a wise great philosopher, but unable to settle in one place, the wise half man half animal must move on in search of freedom and wisdom. Great stuff, but how stupid I was to rely so entirely on astrology to the extent of making my life decision based on it.

Once this girl was introduced to me, a potential life partner, but fuck it, I said NO just because she is not astrologically compatible with my monkey sign. See the monkeys and tigers don’t see eye to eye on things, but who cares, compatibility is a deeper issue than what the bloody Chinese signs say about us. Therefore I was adamant about meeting/marrying a girl who is a rat, as Chinese astrology put it, that’s a match made in heaven, a monkey and a rat knows no bounds in joy and fun. WTF.

So many visits to astrologers in Colombo, I recall my dad would make appointments to see the astrologers visiting from India, who will charge a hefty fee for consultation. You have to book in advance to see these guys. At the end they will even give you a recorded cassette tape to take home, so you can listen to your great fortune over and over and over again until you get sick of it, then, of course, you can visit the next hot astrologer in town, either a local or Indian version.

One of my mad crazy visit to a palm reader happened when I was about 18 or 19, and the guy, a doctor apparently, told me that I would enter the heavens when I reach 45, oh man, that’s happening this year, and to make it worse there is no more Heaven to go to, that’s another story.

What a crazy fucked up life, when so much trust is placed on astrology, palm reading, leaf reading and all that shit, it’s a huge industry too. Even in Toronto now in the ghetto town of Scarborough, where lots of Sri Lankans and South Asians in general congregate, you will find astrologers in every ethnic shopping plaza. So many ‘Pundits’ offering hand/palm reading, chart reading, you name it, and they fill fix any problem you have. All that will cost you MONEY, but the visitors after the consultations will go home feeling all happy and with a smile on their face.

That’s the smile I had tonight when I read my Chinese fortune cookie. The joy of knowing and being confirmed that I am a wonderful person, I just have to just BE myself. I could fairly state that fortune telling shit has fucked my life fairly badly, I was such an addict.

Of course until I met desteni, now no more astrology, no more fortune telling, no more palm reading, no more leaf reading, no more pundits. I am here breathing, forgiving myself to establish self-trust, no more palm reading, star reading or dick reading, I set my own fortune, I am my fortune, and no other, I am here breathing. So some self-forgiveness to release that old addiction to fortune telling which can still put a smile on my face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be crazy about going to astrologers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my entire faith and trust in the hands of astrologers and in their words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so excited and thrilled about consulting astrologers and hearing their magical words about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so happy and excited when the fortune was great and equally feel upset and sad when the news was not so great.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly visit astrologers, palm readers, in desiring and wanting to hear good news about my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fate is written in the ancient leafs which is read and interpreted by the great Indian fortune tellers and in that I forgive me for trusting and believing in such blatant lies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may die at 45 just because a palm reader said so many years ago. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may actually die as predicted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my entire future decisions on what was said by the astrologers instead of me taking self-responsibility to make common sense decisions for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am only compatible with the Chinese sign of rats, and very incompatible with tiger sign, in this, I forgive me for forming my views and ideas about people based on their Chinese sign, instead of getting to know them for who they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a great person because stars are in favorable conditions in my birth chart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was born to a life of destitute because that’s what apparently in the stars for me as per another famous astrologer, and in this I forgive me for feeling so depressed after hearing his words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my entire life is written in the ancient leafs and someone could actually translate that for me, in this I forgive me for giving up my self-trust and self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will die at 45 because that’s what one palm reader told me, in this I forgive me for carrying such subtle but rooted fears within me all this time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly visit astrologers and palm readers because I was addicted to their musical words that stroked my happy ego, it made me feel so good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel thrilled and happy to visit fortune tellers, because they hold the key to unlock the great fortune about my life. In this I forgive me for totally ignoring my self-ability, my self-trust, my self-power and my self-responsibility and let those astrologers have them over me instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question the deceiving science of fortune telling, never asked why they charge so much money, why is it I am so addicted to their words and why is it that I nearly worshipped them? In this I see/realize that I gave up self-responsibility for myself, and let others tell me about myself, instead of me discovering, becoming intimate with me. I lost myself and wanted the fortune tellers to find me for me, for a hefty price.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the Chinese fortune cookies, and allow it bring a sense of joy and happiness to me, a feeling, a joyful feeling, in that I forgive myself for not seen/realizing that I am still addicted to the feel good words of fortune telling. I stop, I breathe, I let go, I am here, I am physical, and I am breath, and that is the greatest fortune that I am ALIVE and I am physical.

When and as I see myself seeking any kind of fortune telling, I stop, I breathe. When and as I seek feel good words from others about my life, I stop, I breathe, because I see/realize that self-trust is the key, not wanting, seeking, desiring trust from another in the form of fortune telling.

When and as I see myself analyzing myself or others based on astrological factors, I stop, I breathe, in seen/realizing that LIFE is EQUAL in us all, and the mind is equal in design as well, therefore judging, grouping, categorizing people is stupid, I let go, I breathe, I remain here as breath. 

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Day 268 – “I know, I know, I know” Character.

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Today while I was chatting with a friend, I noted that he used the words “I know, I know” a few times, and it annoyed me, angered me. It seems like I was being cut off from speaking, or at least it felt like that. So taking this point back to myself, I ask myself the question: how do I live this behavior pattern? And why was I reacting so much anyways? I could have just listened instead of participating in thoughts of annoyance and anger. It could have been a chance to improve my listening skill, to Be Here, be in the breath/breathing, instead of reacting and getting mad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in annoyance when others say the words “I know, I know, I know”. in this I forgive me for taking it personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get annoyed and angry when others say the words “I know, I know”, and interpret that as me being cut off from the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being cut off when I hear the words “I know, I know”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to goto victim mode when others tell me “I know, I know” as if they dont’ welcome my participation in the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘offended’ when others say “I know, I know” while I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret “I know, I know” as being rude to me, not seen/realizing its my interpretation. It may be the person I was having the conversation with has a greater need to express himself, has a greater need to get things out of his chest, or may be he just love to be heard, and so why not just listen and improve my effective breathing and listening skills, instead of turning into anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, I do the exact same thing cutting people off when they speak. in this I see/realize “I know, I know” is just one form of cutting people off, my way is different but resulting in the same rudeness, cutting another off from speaking/expressing themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I do the exact same thing when people tell me things, specially when they express their frustrations in relation to me, in this I forgive me for not attentively listen to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I give myself the power to cut people off when they speak to me, in this I see/realize breathing effectively is the key to LISTENING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize cutting another off is not cool, therefore I direct myself to breathe and practice self-presence being here more instead of reacting or becoming angry.  In this I see/realize unable to listen to people mean less and less people will be willing to communicate with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when others say “I know, I know” not seen/realizing that I do the exact same thing, therefore I direct myself to breathe and practice being HERE, practice listening, instead of going to the head and thinking angry thoughts about the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and annoyance when others cut me off with the words “I know, I know”. in this I see/realize its my own interpretation, judgement upon those innocent words. I took “I know I know” as being a cut off statement equalizing it to ‘Shut up’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and allowed myself to experience hurt when I hear the words “I know, I know” as if I am being cut off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I have the same habit pattern, I do the exact same thing, I cut off people during conversations, so now I see/realize/understand how it feels to be told to ‘Shut up’ politely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret the words “I know, I know” as “Shut up” not seen/realizing its my own interpretation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize listening to another is a gift, a moment of sharing, a moment of allowing another to be, allowing them to talk their shit out, giving them space, actually for them to hear their own words, so in listening I am actually supporting another and supporting myself to BE HERE as breath/breathing. Therefore I direct myself to breathe and listen, instead of going into anger, or annoyance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize if the other person is speaking non-stop then the best thing I can do is just LISTEN, and be an effective listener by breathing effectively. Its my time to breathe and be here, so reacting in anger or annoyance is stupid on my part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry and annoyed at my friend today, instead of directing the moment to support another by listening and supporting myself by Breathing effectively.

I direct myself to Listen, I direct myself to breathe, I direct myself to LISTEN to my own words, and I direct myself to stop the annoyance and anger I feel when and as I see that I am being cut off with the words “I know, I know”.

I stop interpreting the words “I know I know” as “Shut up” because I see/realize its my own interpretation. I let go, I breathe.

I redefine the words “I know, I know” as a signal from another that they need/require to speak and they are asking me to listen to them. Its not a shut up, but a call for help. “Listen to me” he says, not “Shut up”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a victim when others say the words “I know, I know”, ‘oh the poor me nobody likes to listen to me’ is the implication I allowed with me. I forgive myself, I stop, I breathe.

When and as I hear the words “I know, I know”, I stop, I breathe, and I direct myself to see that as a signal for me to LISTEN more effectively instead of going into self-judgment and reactions

When and as I see myself reacting to the words “I know, I know”  I stop, I breathe, and direct myself to BE HERE in and as breath.

When and as I see myself telling others to “Shut up” in various ways when another is speaking, I stop, I breathe, and I allow another to speak.

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