Day 250 – Deciding which seat to take: Human Repellent Character.

Two hundred and fifty days of writing, cool. I am glad I started this process, daily writing, it hasn’t been easy committing myself to write daily, I have missed nearly 40 days of writing along the way, that is why I am at 250 while those who started around same time are around 280-290 or so, meaning I have slacked/postponed, took a break ‘every now and then’, but still managed to hit the 250 mark. So going forward, I will have to be very aware of not even missing a single day ‘every now and then’ as I justify it.

Because ‘every now and then’ is how absent days accumulate. Realizing this is a 7-year process of daily writing, missing days ‘every now and then’ is uncool, because then imagine the number of days I would miss by end of the 7th year? So I pause for a second to realize this point that missing a day ‘every now and then’ is not acceptable. There are exceptional days of course, where some days I just couldn’t hit it, either I was travelling or things were really busy, I just couldn’t sit down to write something. So that is something I will have to asses in self-honesty, I mean I will be only deceiving myself here.

This is about me, my process, my life, my re-birthing as LIFE here through the physical. That’s another point I have to watch out for, I am writing here for me, for myself, for my understanding, for my realizations, and then yes sharing, but foremost for myself. Because I have a tendency to write for others, to show off, to show and tell. I mean, WTF, what a waste of 250 days would be, if I had done it so to show and tell. So I stop, I breathe, I see/realize I must pause and give myself a moment to breathe, to slow myself down, to stop myself from rushing and really get to the meat of the point in all self honesty, so that I can write for myself. This is self-writing to freedom after all.

Today the point I want to look at is: sitting. I have a tendency to judge that people don’t like to sit near or around me, as if I am some kind of a human repellent, so I believe. Days when I took the bus, or even in coffee shops when I sit alone I go into this mindset that says upon seen others “oh see where they took their seats, further away from me, not near me, see they don’t want to sit near me”. Or in the bus I used to think “see that person didn’t sit next to me, there is a seat available but he/she took that other seat next to that person over there, so clearly he/she didn’t want to next to me”. shit like that.

And strange enough, I have done the same thing, in the bus specially, I wouldn’t sit next to ‘some people’ those weird, odd, strange looking, crazy looking people even black people sometimes I wouldn’t take a seat next to them. Of course next to a hot sexy darling, yeh anytime.

Clearly it is not the seat, its next to whom I will be sitting is the deciding factor. And may be others doing the same to me, so I believe they don’t prefer to sit next to me. lots of shit about sitting, and thank god no such shit to worry about while I sit to take a shit. Imagine if we had to sit next to strangers while taking a shit, I would definitely take a lot of time to think about where to sit to shit, next to whom, and whom to avoid etc. Going to toilet would be one bloody hell of thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people don’t like to take a seat next to me in buses. and within this I forgive me for thinking and believing that they prefer to take other seats far away from me just to avoid me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people just don’t like to sit next to me either in the bus, or in coffee shops, or in classrooms, or in cafeterias on in any public place for that matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as some kind of a human repellent whom people avoid, whom people don’t like to sit next to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am the only one judging me as the human repellent. within this I forgive myself for not realizing that I do the exact same thing, pick and chose where to sit based on who is around free seats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I always take the seat next to someone who will make me feel good, feel nice. in this I see/realize clearly that I will not sit next to a homeless bum who is riding in the bus, or next to a black person, or a fat person, or an old person etc. within this I forgive myself for not realizing I treat people as human repellant when it comes to seat selection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not likable and that is why people avoid sitting next to or near me in public places. within this I forgive myself for judging me and believing that something must be wrong with me to be avoided by so many random strangers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it is how I see myself, and is reflected in how others treat me. perhaps resonantly they are picking it up and sensing that I am someone who has not accepted myself and within that they are simply reflecting back to me what I have allowed within me. Or simply they are showing me what I do unto others.

In this I see/realize the solution is to breathe and remain here, in seen/realizing that all humans are reflections of me, part of me, and in fact they are me as another. The separation only exists within ideas, opinions, judgements, beliefs, and perceptions that I carry within me about others and myself.

When and as I see myself making a decision based on ideas, perceptions, beliefs and judgements about others when I am about to take a seat at a public venue, I stop, I breathe, and I direct myself to practically and in common sense look at a comfortable seat for myself instead of deciding based on ‘human repellent’ factor that I have imposed within myself and unto others. I stop this character by breathing and letting it go.

I stop, I breathe.

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