I have been told several times now that I don’t listen well, often seem to interrupt when another is speaking. I see that in a hurry to get my point of view across, or even to just cut off the other, I have allowed myself to live this character of interrupting, not listening to others.
Likewise when others don’t listen to me, or when they say “ok I got it, got it, got it”, very clearly indicating to me to shut the fuck up, which really hurts, and so it goes to show that I don’t like it when others cut me off, not allowing me to speak.
Other day when I was speaking to my step-son, he was quick to cut me off by saying “yeh I get it, I get, I get it”, meaning shut the fuck up now. Wow that incident triggered century old memories where I have done the same to my dad, I have spoken the same words “ok I get it, I get it, I get it” with a violent tone in my voice, clearly indicating my displeasure at having to listen to his voice. I hate my dad’s voice, I couldn’t’ tolerate it when he goes on and on and on about things which sounds so whinny and irritating. My dad could be talking about traffic in town or how hot it is today, doesn’t matter his topic of conversation, I would quickly cut him off, “yeh I get it, I get it”, shut up now.
I wonder what was I really reacting to when my dad spoke in such tone. His tone of voice filled with agony it seems, annoyance, just listening to that voice annoys the hell out of me, and I have to really understand that point because now as my step-son is showing, I have the same quality/issue in my ton of voice.
I guess there is a certain emotional possessiveness hidden behind his voice, seems like the man is loaded with explosive emotions within himself which shows in his cranky tone/voice. As a listener I guess I would resonantly feel that an explosion is around the corner. Or may be in his voice there was no life left, it was just a shaky mind, full of fears, agony, and tension that was craving for my attention. And upon listening/hearing to it, I felt like my life was being sucked out of me by his voice. And if I allowed him to continue speak, he will just go on and on and on creating a spiral of annoyance like when the fuck is he going to stop, absolutely no listening at all.
So some issues to sort out through self-forgiveness and self-correction:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ground myself in and as the breath as I speak to another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak from my mind and emotions instead of breathing each and every breath with awareness as I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak with an emotional voice and tone, in this I forgive me for not giving myself the chance to release those emotion/energy to earth by breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak from my whole body instead of only speak from my mind/emotions. In this I see/realize my voice was not coming out of my whole body, but only from the mind/head/throat region. In this I see/realize lack of breath awareness during communication is the core problem.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak only from my throat area, my voice is coming from my throat only instead of letting my whole body speak. This is done through breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself in and as the breath, in this I forgive myself to flow with the mind instead of flowing with the existence which is the movement of my breath. As I move with the breath, I move with the speed of existence, as life, as physical, as substance here. Otherwise I am just a shallow mind, speaking from its turmoil and terror.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak only from my throat, as if I am speaking with something being stuck in my throat instead of breathing, and speaking with my whole body.
Another point I see here is when my dad speaks to a total stranger his voice seem fine, normal, indicating that judgements one carry within shows in the voice. So whenever he speaks to me I can sense his judgements, the anger he has for me etc, may be that’s why I just couldn’t tolerate his voice. Also I have to look at my judgements I carry about my step son, and may be that is why he is cutting me off when I speak. He is sensing something just like how I did. This point is a blog for my private writings for me to investigate and let them go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize when I have judgments about others it will show in my voice as I speak/communicate with them, therefore I see/realize I must direct myself to breathe and ground myself here before I speak, in this letting the past go at least for that moment during communication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, communication requires me to be HERE 100% otherwise I am not communicating, rather playing out the old emotions into replay and will only experience more of the same past shit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my judgements, thoughts, emotions and feelings I carry towards another shows in my voice and the listener can sense it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize fearing another resonantly will show in my voice, and that is separation. May be my dad was fearing me resonantly, fear of getting hurt by me, so he was in terror within himself as he spoke to me which shows in the voice, to which I reacted by cutting him off. Because fear is separation not equality and oneness. Another point for my private writings to investigate. Why and where do I fear my step son?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the core problem is me not grounding myself in and as the breath during communication as a listener or as a speaker. I see/realize when I don’t’ ground myself as breath/breathing/physical/life/substance here, I am only here as a mind full of turmoil and terror, and that will show in my voice, and children will pick that up quickly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen as another speak, instead get lost in my mind thinking/plotting/planning my counter argument. In this I see/realize there is no real communication, rather a debate of minds, throwing one smart opinion after another, instead of actual real listening and accordingly in equal and oneness sharing common sense.
I forgive me for turning communication to smart ass opinion throwing winner-takes-all mental boxing match, instead of being HERE as breath, as life, as physical, as substance and Listening to another as I would like to be heard, and then accordingly share my common sense point of view, which may even look like a debate but it’s not, because the very starting point is now changed from winning to sharing, from dismissing to understanding, from cutting off to listening, from separation to equality/oneness.
When and as I see myself speaking with a lump in my throat so to speak, I stop, I breathe, and ground myself here in and as my whole body through breathing, then I proceed to speak. In this I commit myself to breath awareness and body awareness as I speak.
When and as I see myself speaking from my mental/emotional/painbody states, I stop, I breathe, I take a deep breath, possibly drink some water to ground myself and then I proceed to speak.
I commit myself to check my voice, my tone by listening to myself speaking, by listening to my own tone/voice as I speak, so I can verify/check to myself on my tone, and then accordingly correct myself to breathe and ground myself.
In this I see/realize that listening to my own voice as I speak, listening to my own words and to my own sentences as I speak is a cool way to correct myself. Now I see that I hardly listen to myself as I speak, I mean it’s like I am just blabbering away, so I stop this, I breathe.
So that is a cool point, in communication I must always LISTEN first, either LISTEN to another speaking or LISTEN to my own words as I speak. By Listening as I breathe, I am really grounding myself for real communication to take place.
I commit myself to LISTEN as I speak. I commit myself to LISTEN to every word as I speak. I commit myself to LISTEN to the tone of my voice as I speak. I commit myself to LISTEN to what I am actually saying, and direct myself to speak with common sense accordingly. In HEARING myself speak, or in HEARING another speak, I ground myself HERE.
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