Day 286 – Breathing is Life, Thinking is not.

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Con of consciousness continues. My thoughts, emotions, and feelings are not mine, isn’t that a shock or what. They are projected unto my mind so that I will like a blind fool follow them, get engage in them, think/feel more and more about them, in that generating, creating, a whole lot of energy for the consciousness/mind/heavens etc. (The heaven part I take it back, because now no longer the mind energy is routed to the heaven’s as it was before, now, its INVERTED for the self/mind/body, meaning, now more I think, more shit/consequence for me to face).

I have been a thinking machine for all my life, just thinking and thinking, there has been no rest in that area. And feelings/emotions yes tons of them, often you will find me in a state of moodiness, even during sun sunny beaches I will find something to be moody about, it seems my very nature to be some sort of an energy possessed, energy consuming moody freak. Consciousness must love me so much for feeding it, all this time.

But never once I took a break from this, and now I have the chance. Because I see/realize and understand, there is a parasite exist within me, as me, it’s called the consciousness/mind, and it’s part of the original design of things, original design of the existence/humanity/heaven and what not. My job is to provide energy for higher up for their survival and sustenance.

Emotions/feelings/thinking/sexual stuff really feed the mind/consciousness. Anger, rage, hate, spite, revenge, bitterness are more than welcome too. Mind loves emotional turmoil, inner battles, inner conflicts, inner terror, fears, all that. The more the shit, the better it is. That’s the name of the game, give me more shit, I will love you for it. And I have been happily cooperating with the consciousness on these matters for long, meaning, I have been giving/sacrificing my physical body for it happily, ignorantly.

Now I have the responsibility to stop the madness. Relationship blues are great source of emotional feeds for the mind, I mean all that terror goes within relationships can generate loads to emotional energy for the mind/consciousness, awesome stuff.

But what a life to live, just living to thinking/feel/ and produce EMOTIONAL ENERGY for a parasite to survive.  People don’t’ know these kind of stuff, but I have been fortunate to learn theses from desteni, and it is my experience too, to see/realize/understand for myself what a difference it makes to STOP the mind/thoughts/emotions/feelings for a while.

Or I can be of great service provider for CON of Consciousness and give myself, my body, my substance to it, and then die away, be a great martyr. My life is so cheap; at least that’s how I am treating it, just wasting it away in THINKING/FEELING shit.

Am I living? Am I here? Am I breathing? Am I really HERE,  Am I sacrificing my body? Am I a martyr? What a shitty way to live. It’s like slow death I am willingly embracing onto myself.

I was born into this world, a baby, a child, a teen, and now an adult. I was a fetus once too, growing slowing but surely and gently became a full blow baby, with hands, legs, head, and what not, and I was born. That was a long time ago. But what have I done with my life? I am just living to die; just willingly committing slow suicide, thought by thought, emotion by emotions I walk a death walk. My birth, my growth, my childhood, all the efforts people put into raising me, is useless because what have I become? An energy providing machine for the consciousness unwilling to live even a moment HERE in and as breath.

I have wasted my life enough. It’s time to LIVE. It’s time to stop the imagination, it’s time to STOP the imaginary fears, it’s time to stop engaging in mental revenge, it’s time to stop fantasizing sexually, it’s time to pause, its time breathe, really, it’s time to breathe so that I will stop the CON of consciousness. Before it eats me up alive

I have had enough of self-imposed suffering, oh man. I have fucked myself to so nicely for so long. So I either STOP now or just rot away my remaining years and just die away, silently, just like how I constantly think silently.

I see/realize my life is just too precious to waste it away. I mean what a torture I am doing to myself. What a terrible thing I am doing to myself. Knowing well, understanding well, I am still torturing myself by thoughts/emotions/ feelings.

It’s all about attachment to ENERGY. That’s the thrill of energy. That sexual high, that egoic high comes from anger, I mean there is a lot of high in power, the power to fucking abuse another human being. I have done a good job at that, showing my anger, without ever holding it back with breathing.

I breathe, as I see/realize/understand, as long as I give the consciousness a free run, me changing my life in this one lifetime is pretty remote. What’s the point of even living if I can’t direct myself to change myself?

So here is a great direction, a purpose, a goal, an ambition in my life. That’s to stop the CON of consciousness from killing me, with my approval.

For this, my first order of action is to breathe, yes breathe EFFECTIVELY.

I direct myself to over and over again to see/realize and return to breathing. Because I see that without breathing I am giving consciousness a free reign. I am basically telling consciousness to take it over and kill me slowly but surely.

So I pause, I see/realize/understand that my whole life has been a waste, a total waste because I have been nothing but an energy provider for consciousness and the mind. I have been nothing but a slave.

And now with the mind/energy being inverted things can only get worse, for me. I have to face me, on my face, deal with my shit on my face. And it’s already happening.

So here I am, still alive, still breathing, so I have the chance, to correct myself, to make a U-turn in my life, and be a LIVING force not just a slave to the mind.

I direct myself to breathe, really engage myself to breathe effectively, because I see this is the most important self-care I can give to me. Breathe effectively.

I breathe, breath by breath, each breath is a chance to ground myself here, and there is no need to engage in the mind/thoughts/emotions and feelings. Yes I can think about practical stuff when needed, but not as a reason to live.

So what’s my game plan, what is my self-corrective script, so when and as I see myself gone/lost in the mind, I immediately bring myself back here, into breathing, without any self-judgment or remorse, or anger, simply returning to breath again and again and again. I see the more I return the more I will return and it will only get easier.

Breath is life, not thinking. This is my gift to myself, I embrace myself, I care for myself, I look into myself, just by breathing effectively, breathing fully, stop participation in the mind/thought/emotions/feelings. HERE is my anchor. My body is my anchor. My body is my ground, where I anchor myself in and as breathing.

This is a decision as much as a process, but I see I will need self-effort, a force to ground in this plan. I cannot just ‘let it happen’ , I have to make it happen.

Apparently there is great merit in stopping the mind, in silence, in being here, because when the mind is ‘gone’, the problem will be no more. Mind is the problem, you see.

So this is my new self-directed project, to walk myself into HERE, into breath by breathing fully.

I wasted my life enough, death will be too late, so now is the time to breathe and ground myself here.

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