Day 307 – I am an Addict. I am Addicted to the Energies of the Mind.

Mind is an addiction machine, a whole lot of things I do are a result of addiction. How I think is an addiction, what I think is an addiction, my anger is an addiction, my mood is an addiction, my general emotional/mental state is an addiction, my sexual desires are an addiction, how I look at women is an addiction, how I talk to women is an addiction, my fears are an addiction, believe it or not, yes I am addicted to my fears.

When I say addiction I mean they are predictable and pattern driven. You can bet 99% on how I will behave, because it is predictable, and it’s addictive, just like how one can predictive the next move of a drug addict. The addict will only look for one thing, the next fix, no matter what. So I see/realize that I am an addict, I am addicted to energy-buzz within the mind, in whatever ways I create them. The days when I was a porn addict I couldn’t stop watching them; every Saturday night was my ‘blue nuit’, the blue night, the night of soft porn on the French channel. And porn addiction has nothing to do with availability of sex, it’s a mind addiction. And so I see/realize how I am addicted to almost everything within my mind, as I listed before, anger, jealousy, moods, ways of thinking, lust, desire for quick sexual thrills, flirting, bad moods, blaming, yes I am addicted to blaming, it gives me something to my mind, a high.

Only way to safely say that I am out of my addiction, and that my addictions are not ruling me, is when I am breathing as ‘in-breath, pause, out-breath’, with that rhythm of breathing, slowing myself down in and as breath, only then I can be trusted as an addiction-free human being. I mean its common sense one would find hard to trust a drug addict, because we know the addict looks for only thing, the next fix. Same way how can anyone trust me, because I am also looking for the next energy/mind fix, in my case it’s not a substance abuse as in some drug abuse, but allowing the abuse of the real substance of me, the physical as I participate in the mind.

So this is a new realization for me, I am an addict. I think like an addict, I act like an addict, I behave like an addict, the signs are obvious, and now related consequences are obvious.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I am an addict, I am addicted to the ways of my mind, I am addicted to the emotions, feelings, thoughts of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I am addicted to the quick thrills of my emotional/energy thrills of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I am addicted to the highs and lows of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I have an addiction, that I am addicted to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that in every breath I am acting/behaving/talking/thinking like an addict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that in every breath some addictive pattern is running active. So in this I see/realize that I am always at the risk of living as an addict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am addicted to fears of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I am addicted to my sexual urges and thrill seeking. More than the actual physical sex itself, the energetic idea of sexual thrills is an addiction in itself. In this I see/realize that I have allowed and accepted this energy mind addictive behavior within me. It’s an addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that my tendency to blame others is an addiction. It’s an addictive mind pattern that I have allowed within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that ‘thinking’ about others, thinking shit about others is an addiction, addictive pattern I have allowed within me, in me as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that ‘anger’ is an addictive pattern that I have allowed within me, so I direct myself to breathe and stop this addiction within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that ‘fear’ is addiction I have allowed within me as me.

So I see that almost every emotional state, desire, sexual desires, sexual thrills, anger, blame, thinking, fears, are all my mind addictions, I am addicted to them. I must have them to get my mind’s fix.

When and as I see myself running/riding on the emotions of my mind, I see/realize that I am giving into my mind’s addiction, an addictive pattern is alive, active, its controlling me, so I stop, and I breathe. I ground myself to earth by breathing, because I know there is no escape from mind-energy only breathing can assist me.

I have said these words before, now consequences are here, so this time around I have to really check my mind and its contents before they rule me. I will direct myself to breathe, not allowing, giving into the mind’s justifications, mind’s voice that says “it’s ok, just this 1 time only, nobody will know, common, everybody is doing it, just 1 time only”, etc, I know the voice of the mind can convince me to do anything, so I stop it, I breathe. The voice of the mind is only powerful if I allow it to have the power. So I breathe and take control of myself.

Enough of living in and as the emotional highs/lows of my mind, enough of living as an addict, an energy/drug addict always rushing/looking for the next fix. I mean that’s exactly how I have I been lately, looking for a fix, to appease my mind. Where is my life integrity, in giving into the mind I give up my life-integrity. So no more, I stop, I breathe, checking my mind, breath by breath.  

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