Day 312 – Need a bit of discipline, and it starts with breathing with awareness.

Breathe. Breathing is always a good way to start self-writing. Sometimes I give myself the excuse of “writer’s block”, well, no such a thing with breathing. A breath with awareness can unblock anything.

Breathing with awareness is the key. I am slowly developing this habit, every now and then, I return to Hara breath, breathing with awareness etc. The idea that my thinking is so important and therefore cannot be suspended is a root madness which keeps me stuck in thinking. And not breathing with awareness is a nice way to open the door for the mind to keep on thinking.  I have been travelling today drove for like 5 hours, during which time I returned to breathing a few times. But the question is why couldn’t I breathe every breath with awareness? That’s the thing, keep on thinking is somehow very important.

I have manage to at least stop some pressing ‘subjects’ from spinning in my head, I noticed I am able to say “oh stop it, don’t waste my time, my body, or even thinking capacity” on those subjects. Yet unable to stop ALL subjects from taking ground within the thinking machine.

Driving time is a perfect chance to practice some breathing with awareness. Thinking is like the normal mode of living, I mean it’s so habitual that cannot even go for few minutes without thinking about something, though I have been able to stop some subjects, but others still haunt the graveyard (mind). I guess I have this idea that I must THINK something, or else I am missing something from this great world. As if no thinking means no life. The body is life, not the mind, so when stopping thinking only the mind is grounded, and the body lives fully.

I missed a day of writing other day, had to travel, nice excuse to miss a day. Today I saw somebody in the Journey to Life blogging crossing the ONE Year mark, which is really cool, me however have missed nearly 50 days, so if I go at this rate of missing a day here and there, at the 7th year mark I would miss an year, not so cool. So have to discipline a bit, and get that daily writing done. I mean, I can always find 30 minutes here and there to write something up. Remember this is self-writing, shared yes, but I am writing to change myself, first. Others may use this as an inspiration to start their own Journey to Life process; however the contents here are of no direct use to them. Here I am writing out my own shit. Writing is a relief, it’s like flushing the mental toilet every day. I mean you know what happens with constipation. The exact happens when I miss writing, the shit piles up in the head leading to consequence. And this is the age of consequence, direct consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that this process requires some discipline, I mean the least resistance path is not the path to self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that the Journey to Life requires self-effort, self-discipline and commitment. You can’t just think about change, it must be forgiven, and the new script must be lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that self-change requires that I make a decision to CHANGE myself and then accordingly to commit myself to do the actual work to self-change. This is not Sunday mass.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that self-change is a process that must be lived in every breath, this is not an occasional part-time activity like going to Sunday mass.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that every breath is in fact a chance to change myself. I mean when will I change otherwise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that every moment is a chance to observe/live my process, I mean, it’s no excuse to say ‘oh at parties I can lose myself a bit’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that at certain times/places/days I can take ‘time off’ from the process, not seen/realizing that I cannot take time off from myself, or from my self-honesty. Either I am self-honest always or NOT. This process is about self-honesty, which cannot be done on a part-time basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that every person I meet/face/communicate/listen to is a chance to LIVE my process, in this I also see/realize that I cannot ‘practice’ this process, I mean this is not a drama to rehearse, this process to BE LIVED. It is a living process of self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize this is a breath-by-breath process, I breathe-in, hold, and I let go, not allowing/accepting mind-contents to accumulate/pile up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the decision to self-change always must be made, and letting go of the past, when things don’t go as planned, and not allowing/accepting regret to pile up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that regret/guilt has no place, simply breathe/forgive/correct and let go. There is another day(breath) to live this process, to correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize breath-awareness is the key to develop self-awareness. It’s cool to be self-aware, to know what the fuck I am doing, what I am thinking, what I am participating, what I am allowing/accepting, cool to see if I am an organic robot.

When and as I see myself slacking in my daily writing, I stop, I breathe, not allowing excuses to pile and missing days, because I see just like breathing this process requires daily application, discipline and work. In this I see/realize that a decision must be made to change myself, to apply myself to work daily.

I direct myself to breathe, be here, in the silence of eternity. The eternal silence of this moment without chatter, backchat, internal conversations, thoughts, emotions and feeling controlling me. I breathe, I am here.

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