Day 337 – Time to correct my posture. I am NO ‘hunchback of Notre dame’.

Hunchback-of-Notre-DameCorrect your posture. Today I was talking to somebody, and got some constructive comment on my posture. He said, he saw me walking, and apparently I was bent forward a bit, “you were walking like a 60 years old man, bending forward. Stand up tall and walk”. Deep stuff, came strongly, I thanked him for his constructive feedback.

I had never noticed how I walk, how my shoulders are or my posture is while walking. He had the guts to say it as it is. Now I see/realize how I walk is that I look down the road, and in that perhaps I appear to bent forward. Still not cool, why can’t I walk with a standing posture, with an erect posture, not bending down/forward or hunched over, not cool, not cool at all.

Number of things to do to correct this. In fact this is not a birth defect or natural body structure thing, it seems, I am heavy-ed by thinking, with a heavy head I walk around, looking down, shoulders coming forward, so it appears uncool, I mean, why do I have to walk like that, when I can clearly stand tall, and walk with a vertical/erect posture, meaning, I don’t have to bent down/forward. I can stand tall, in an erecting posture without exerting any efforts to do so.

I just have to be aware of myself, my body, my breath, lack awareness and getting lost in the MIND is the primary reason for bent/hunched posture.  A worried man, overly thinking man walks like that; at least I seem to do. So that’s the key problem, too much thinking, unawareness of the body, unawareness of the breath, too much stuck in the mind-contents is the reason why I lean forward/hunch while walking, giving the impression that I am some 60 yrs old dude, as my friend put it today.

So no big deal, time for self-correction. In this I see/realize I may need some stretching exercise as well, need a minor work on the physical level, so I am looking to do some yoga, investigating a yoga class here. Bloody hell it’s expensive to do/learn yoga.

So that’s the plan, on body and mind: work on the physical with bit of yoga to correct/straighten the posture AND work on the awareness thing, because no matter how much yoga I do, if I get lost in the mind, a heavy-head will cause me to lean forward, like the hunchback of Notre dame.  Not cool. As this is a self-inflicted wound, so I stop this unawareness and direct myself to straighten my posture. Body awareness is the key.

I commit myself to examine myself, my awareness, meaning I commit myself to note myself: how I stand, how I walk, what’s my posture while walking? Am I walking like the hunchback of Notre dame? I direct myself to be body-aware, I direct myself to be aware on how I am moving my body around, my posture, am I leaning forward, am I sitting in a slouch-like position. This is not an appearance-conscious or style conscious thing, I simply want to be tall and straight, want to hold myself/my posture in an erect position. To do that I direct myself to be self-aware, body-aware, posture-aware. I mean if I am lost in the mind, it’s a lost cause then.

In this I direct myself to investigate YOGA and start a beginner’s class at least once a week. I mean, I have to stretch my body that will assist me in holding the posture stand and erect. I mean posture is an important thing, it shows a sense of alertness of the mind, not a sleepy, dull, lost-in-thought mind. So this I direct myself to see, how do I sit, how do I stand, how do I walk, how do I hold my head? In all this, I see/realize breathing is of great assistance, awareness of the breath is of great assistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize what I heard today from this person is a great feedback to myself, there is no shame in it, in fact I must be grateful to him for reminding me of my posture. So in this I see/realize I am given a point of support here, to correct, to be aware of my posture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that too much thinking, a heavy-head is a cause of lean forward posture, therefore I direct myself to be breath-aware as I walk, instead of using walking to get lost in the thinking to the point where I am totally unaware of the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize here is a chance, a point of support for me to start body-awareness breath by breath, in that correcting my posture also, to stand tall and erect instead of just lumping down with heavy thinking head. Its time I get into the BODY.  It’s time to come down from heaven/mind to earth/body. Body awareness is the key.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that by now I have received ample reminders to become body-aware, to become breath-aware, therefore I direct myself to breathe and slow myself down and NOTE myself as I walk, as I sit, as I eat, as I stand, to see how I am correcting my posture. In this I see/realize this is not about presenting an image of good posture, but simply becoming aware of my body and then standing tall and erect in total self-awareness.

I direct myself to do some physical exercises in this regard by starting some basic yoga classes.

It’s never too late, body is forgiving, and I have to forgive myself for harming and causing much pain to my body, for hurting my body. In this I see/realize, I just have to correct myself, both on mental and physical levels. Stopping the thinking, becoming aware of the breathing is a must.


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Day 336 – Stop whining, and become Self-Responsible to get the job done at work.

stressed-womanSelf-writing to freedom. Writing is so cool; it really helps to unload stuff. My personal writing is something I need to continue more. I plan to write at least 1000 words on my personal blog, just to get things out of my chest so to speak. In writing, you can see, you can analyze/argue or even laugh at your own madness and lastly you can actually let GO OFF things. Sometimes what I find is my mind is loaded with some line of thought about somebody, and its slowly but surely has been building up, so quickly re-directing that into writing, getting that out of my chest via writing, really helps to cool things down. In that, you can really let go, and of course take responsibility to correct/redirect the situation. Basically, I am wondering now how the hell did I live my life without daily self-writing all these years? That much I see a benefit in self-writing. There is no real structure yet when it is all done and dusted you will see a structure, the line of thought, and the madness of it.

There is You and there is the MIND-You, I think what happens in self-writing is the you get a break from the MIND-you, because the you get to ‘see’ the MIND-you. Sort of do-it-to-yourself counseling, very effective and damn cheap.

So this is something I commit myself to not fall behind, even when there seems like nothing to write about, or bit of boredom has kicked in, I direct myself to WRITE, because writing is righting.

So what’s my topic tonight, other than just rambling about writing? Back to responsibility at work, that’s a point came up today. I see myself passing the buck at work, instead of me taking the lead, and taking responsibility, I am passing the buck, letting the responsibility pass by me. Not cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that in passing the buck, in not taking responsibility, I am basically giving up on myself and on my job, and on my life itself. Because not taking responsibility is pretty much saying ‘fuck you’ to life. Taking responsibility is a sign of seriousness about life, dedicating to life, committing to life, getting things done, and achieving things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally at work, and allowed myself to activate all kinds of emotional states, not seen/realizing taking things personally is self-sabotaging, therefore I direct myself to stop and breathe, because I see/realize that at work or at any other place, if I take things personally, I became a pain in the ass for others, because then others have to not only deal with the issues at hand, but also with my emotional shit of taking-things-personally as it clearly show in my emotional states and attitude that I got a problem. That’s what taking things personally is, carrying a chip on the shoulder about something or someone, instead of looking at all and anything for what-it-is, and directing a solution. That’s all, now, if I see an alternative way, or a way that I prefer, or I see a method that is more comfortable to me, or I see that method as more easier for me to tackle which another disagrees, that’s ok, because then I simply have to communicate the differences, or my approach to the solution, in that reaching an amicable solution/situation. Taking things personally is never a good idea, it’s basically a nasty emotional spitefulness which can easily become harmful to self and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that taking things personally is self-sabotage. It’s never a good idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that before I enter the mode of taking things personally I know myself to be in that state, therefore I know I can STOP that, and NOT allow myself to go into taking this personally attitude.

This usually happens when I seek attention in subtle forms at work, by overly discussing a problem, or status, or trying to be over-smart about something, in that trying to get the attention of others, keep the focus on me, and in that background, if someone says something uncool, or even suggested which doesn’t meet my demand for attention, I am quick to take that personally. So first thing I have to be careful of is, the need for attention from others at work, that’s a disease man, got to stop it. So I direct myself to slow down and STOP this disease of wanting/seeking/needing attention from others.

That’s exactly what happened today, I slowly but surely entered a state of mind-neediness, mind was looking for energy, so instead of focusing on getting work items done, I went to discuss too much about it, basically its seeking attention through too much discussion. And then what happened, I got shown the way, in a bit harshly, like talking to kid, it was embarrassing, oh well, I asked for it, I basically said “oh I don’t know what to do, what to work on”, sort of whinny little tone, instead of breathing, directing, investigating, contributing to find solutions, I kind of play needy. So time to really observe myself, in that stopping my mind’s need, and actually focus on getting the work done, taking responsibility for myself. Work is myself too. I am responsible for getting things done, whining is not acceptable, and too much whining quickly enters the state of ‘taking things personally’. So I direct myself to breathe, slow down, writing things down, make a list of things to do, make a list of progress, pending, etc, in that I am able to see the progress/status of things, can easily communicate with others/management about what’s going on.

Responsibility is the key, anywhere everywhere responsibility is the key, in any situation, taking responsibility is the key, cannot ever pass the buck. In every moment, I am dealing with myself, a situation, a person, an event, and can’t separate work/home/private/family this and that, there is no such separation, because I am the same everywhere, so why bother with a work-me and home-me, it’s all ME.

Ok cool, I direct myself to slow down, slowing down is the key to catch me entering that whiny/needy kind of a state of mind, from which very quick to reach the state of taking things personally.  The magic here is to breathe, slowdown in every moment, see the situation, see the list of things to do, see how I am wasting time, if so, direct myself to focus, because NOT focusing on work is another problem, can easily get diverted to do other shit. At work, do the work, focus on work, I mean, no work means no money, which is a major problem. So at work, do the work. I mean that’s common sense.

I direct myself to investigate the list of things to do, I direct myself to clearly communicate any pending issues, I direct myself to pay attention to all the details, all the feedback, all the requirements and questions that are on the table, I mean, cannot by passing anything, or pass the buck. At work, I direct myself to get things done. I see/realize clear communication is important, but hiding the ‘need for attention’ behind work-communication sucks big time. So I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself acting with the hidden motive of ‘wanting attention’, because I see/realize that ‘neediness’ will be rebuked, as nobody likes a needy fellow around, I mean, would I like a needy person bothering me for this and that? No I don’t, so why the fuck do I do it? I commit myself to STAND as me, meaning, I commit myself to STOP this subtle hidden very sneaky little need for attention, for approval. When and as I see myself looking for approval, I STOP, I breathe, seen/realizing that in seeking approval I will only get rebuked, because it’s annoying to seek approval all the time, so I stop, I breathe.

I am here, I am life, I am a physical body, I am breathing, myself is enough, breath is moving in and out, my physical body is here, and I am able to stop my thoughts, emotions and feelings, I am able to direct myself to engage in PRACTICAL PHYSICAL stuff, because anything else is MIND.

Stay PHYSICAL, stay PRACTICAL, otherwise I am in the MIND.

I have to work as equals, as a team, and as ONE Man, I have to be a contributor, not lofting around making noises to get attention. I stop that bullshit.

Be a contributor, Anton. Contribute, direct, participate, get things Done, I mean, I am paid to get things done, to finish, to accomplish things.

It comes down to responsibility, taking responsibility.

At work, I have to question, how I can contribute more. Where can I work more? Meaning, where can I contribute more? How can I get things done, its common sense, if I am idling around, passing the buck around, if I am taking things personally and become an emotional pain-body around, I became not an effective team player but a moody burden walking around, it’s not cool. So I stop taking things personally, not allow such state to accumulate, I support myself with breathing, I support myself with making a list, the list helps, so I know what needs to be done, what’s done, etc, and I stop participating in useless endless conversations, that’s a red flag, that I am entering that needy state, mind is looking for guess what: ATTENTION.

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