So start writing says Bernard.
Writing is righting. In writing, we can see what’s going on and place the mind shit onto paper, instead of carrying them within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can ‘think’ through my problems instead of actually writing them in detail and then forgiving them. I see/realize I cannot ‘think’ through the issues, I have to write/right the issues.
I have been carrying some old friendships that has been around for a while, now I see/realize they are totally useless, only just feeding the gossip box. Just talking shit, just whining and complaining, I mean cool to have friendships but it seems all I do with them is just whine/mourn/blame/complain and gossip. And strange enough I call that a friendship. I fear letting these friendships go, within the idea that I will be friendless.
So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto friendships within the idea that I will be a loser without friends, and within the idea that I ‘need’ them. In this I forgive me for holding onto past friends within the idea that they can come handy on a lonely evening, can feed my mind with some energy during dark moments. In this I see/realize these so-called friendships are just that feeding the loneliness, feeding the gossip, giving some idea of social life, I mean who would I be without any friendships whatsoever?
I am facing a friendship like situation which clearly not supportive, more like a gossip box, good for a lonely cold day, just to chit chat a bit, whine, mourn/blame, complain a bit. Then again I don’t’ know what is that I really want from this friendship/person, it’s not an agreement, not a relationship, not a relative, not a potential candidate, then who the fuck is this person, just a mind-feeder, good for a lonely night, to gossip, to whine, to blame, to scold, to nag, instead of facing the loneliness head-on, I have kept this person/friend as a backup to escape loneliness and feed the mind.
I know a lot of people through this person, I have come to know her family members too, there has been a social expansion due to this person, but the actual friendship as such, is questionable. I mean, if I want to continue gossip, blame, complain, whine, mourn, play a bit of mean game, play bit ego game, yeh then its ok. I think I am being selfish here, knowing very well that this friendship is not best for all, I still keep it, still hold onto it, you know, when I am totally bored, someone to just chit-chat, nag, whine, complain, blame etc. pretty fucked up, I know. Its not good for anyone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang onto friendships because I think I can still get something out of them, so I continue to keep the friendships even after knowing it’s not assisting me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that friendship as such is not needed, I mean, why do I need this particular friendship? A person to gossip with? Someone who will listen to my whining? Someone who is always there for a chit-chat, good for lonely days, someone who I can visit, hangout, go for coffee etc., but what is that we actually communicate? Just gossiping, no sharing of common sense, just gossiping, chit-chatting nonsense, whining about others, complain about others.
Well instead of totally ending the friendship, I could certainly change the direction, the flow, the nature of the friendship, since there has been some years gone into this, and many folks are involved, I see no reason to entirely END it. However, I could direct the conversations to common sense, sharing of common sense, turn any issues to common sense resolutions, something real, something what is best for all, use the moment to cut through the brainwashing. Things like that, either she will run away and naturally end the so-called friendship OR she will see the common sense and realize some points for self-consideration. But first, I have to be willing to let this go, I cannot HOLD ON it, and DESIRE it, WANT it, and still play the common sense card. I mean I have to be able to LET GO of this friendship completely, then, yes, I am clear, I have no reason to hang onto it, I have no reason to keep in the closet for lonely evenings to dive into gossip/chatter. I mean, that’s pretty fucked up. Cannot keep people as covers for my loneliness.
From now on, I will no longer accept and allow this friendship to exist as a point of cover for loneliness/gossip/chit-chat etc. I see the friendship is here, so that’s cool, but no need to continue in the old style/format. I don’t’ need a gossiper, I don’t’ need someone to dump my blames onto, I don’t’ need someone to whine to, I mean, I can change that, I can instead share common sense, be here, share a moment of breathing, share what is best for all, assist them to cut through their brainwashing. Then, naturally the friendship will either disappear OR its nature will change. There is no point in hanging onto people so that I have a cover for lonely nights, or bored evenings, I mean, that’s fucked up pretty bad.
I call it friendship, but is it really, it’s nothing more than a gossip session. A person to share to my mind-shit with and apparently they understand me, well, what’s really happens is, they just share their mind-shit and I share mine, so we just share our respective mind-shits, and call it a friendship. wow, what a waste breathing.
Then for god’s sake, what is a friendship, is friendship ever possible?
I direct myself to reconsider this friendship, the nature of it, and the content/style of it. I direct myself to reconsider the conversations, the content of conversations, from mindless gossip to actual support. From gossip/chatter to real support dialog. I direct myself to pause when and as I see that our conversation is dragging on endless mind-bullshit, then I stop, I breathe. When and as I see myself gossiping with this person, i stop, I breathe, then I direct to see what is the common sense in this, instead of just blabering away, feeding nonsense. When and as I see myself just talking for the sake of talking, to keep on the gossip on for the night, I stop, I breathe, because I see/realize this friendship has not evolved/helped neither of us over the years, just only kept the gossip on. When and as I see myself talking about others, and their shit, I stop, I breathe, and I direct myself to see our shit, and direct them in common sense.
Basically, I want a complete change of this friendship, no more gossip, no more shit talking about others, no more whining, no more boredom talk, if there is an actual practical issue to discuss, then we discuss in a common sense practical manner, but I stop just gossiping, endless mindless chatter, which clearly show we are only feeding the bored minds. Join us: www.desteni.org