Day 321 – Not cool to be untrustworthy.

waterFalling is shameful. Yes there is self-forgiveness, but that doesn’t mean falling is anyway justifiable or excusable, if anything self-forgiveness brings more responsibility to STAND firmly. I feel much shame for falling, again and again, bit like broken promises of a drunken man, ‘no I will never do it, just one last time, just one more drink’, then as he approaches the bar next day, all promises and resolves turn to dust, one more time he falls. This is something I can easily relate to. There is a point in my life lately, I have been falling, and I feel great shame for this, I mean, what does my words mean, if I continue to accept and allow the bullshit of excuses, or ‘just one more time’. I mean, I must stand, absolutely, firmly with strong resolve, determination, and strength of character. All that comes with a commitment to life, so the question is “I am going to abuse life, just one more time”?

I have to realize that I am allowing backdoors, making room for a sneak preview, so that I can abuse life but still want to look good, I mean, how fucked up is that. I am ashamed of myself for abusing life yet again, and again. I mean, when will I stand as an absolute pillar who can stand no matter what for life of all? Allowing shameful backdoors is hardly trustworthy, who will trust me, who will consider me as a reliable person, they will know, I am untrustworthy, unreliable, cannot count on, etc. that’s pretty shameful.

The biggest shame is I have said these words before, I have done commitments, I have done the forgiveness of myself, I have done the writings, and STILL I have allowed myself to participate in abuse of life, allowed myself to walk through that backdoor, where I allowed myself that just ‘one more night’ kind of shit. I feel great shame today and this has been there for a while now.

The need of the hour is absolute resolve, I mean, a strong understanding, realization, determination, and a strong commitment to LIFE. I will never take that step to abuse life in whatever form, knowingly or unknowingly, is the commitment I must make to myself. This is not a public announcement or PR stunt, no, simply me creating myself as a TRUSTWORTHY human, because I am hardly trustworthy, even little things like anger can so easily consume me leaving all those around me in emotional danger. So clearly others cannot trust me, cannot feel safe in my presence, because they never know what kind of a demon I will become.

So I have to take pause on this, and really see what the fuck am I doing, what am I accepting and allowing, what kind of self-manipulation am I participating in, I mean, who am I deceiving or playing tricks on?  When a person is untrustworthy, well, we don’t’ want to do anything with such people, shameful place to be in.

I have to recreate myself as self-trust, I have fucked it up, I have to reemerge myself as a trusting human being, currently nobody can trust me, because I myself wont’ keep up that self-trust. I have to really look at this shame I am feeling, the real shame, down in my guts, that I am somehow unable to stand absolutely firmly with a strong resolve to say NO to abusing life.  I mean even anger is abuse of life, so allowing that is abuse of life. Who will trust me if I am an angry freak who is always ready to explore. So that’s not cool. I have to investigate my trust, my commitment, and stand for LIFE. This one life to live, what’s the point of falling, falling and falling and then self-forgiving?

Self-forgiveness is cool, but it is time to stand absolutely firmly to stop the abuse that I have accepted and allowed every now and then with that ‘just one more time’ justification. Not acceptable. Join us: www.desteni.org

 

 

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