Day 329 – Addicted to FEELINGS.

Addicted to FEELINGS.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I am addicted to the FEELINGS another person apparently gives me and mistakenly think that I am addicted to that person, when in fact, I am only addicted to the FEELINGS that were generated in me, the other was simply a trigger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am addicted to the FEELINGS that I get when I am around certain people, and when I am not around them, I forgive me for experiencing a sense of ‘missing’, not seen/realizing what is that I am missing is my own FEELINGS. Hence proving beyond any doubts that I am addicted to the FEELINGS in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize all the sweet old memories were nothing but sweet FEELINGS that I have had, which are not here anymore, and therefore I forgive me for missing such moments, not seen/realizing what I am really missing is those FEELINGS in my mind. In this I see/realize how addicted am I to those FEELINGS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I am addicted to FEELINGS and that’s all, it’s the FEELINGS I am after. The energy high thrills of FEELINGS. It’s an addiction. I mean, otherwise, I would be HERE just as a breath, as breathing, breath by breath, I would live HERE as a physical being just like a tree would.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am only after the good old FEELINGS I once had, for which I am addicted to and craving for, in this I forgive me for not seen/realizing the simplicity that I am addicted to the FEELINGS, the energy rush, I once had. Its addiction, I am craving for, just like a drug addict, I am looking for a fix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, desire, lust, love, anger are all FEELINGS to which I am addicted to, because they give me a rush. In this I forgive me for not seen/realizing the key word in this situation is, ADDICTION.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am addicted to anger, I am addicted to love, I am addicted to sexual thrills, I am addicted to lust, I am addicted to sadness, I am addicted to depression, I am addicted to fear, I am addicted to self-pity, I am addicted to rejection, I mean all that generates a sense of energy rush in my mind, which is high/low and the mind loves it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I am here equal and one with all, I am never separated from anyone or anything, as we share the same substance, so the separation comes from the mind, the missing comes from the mind, as a physical being there is no missing, or separation, I am here like a tree grounded to earth, it is the heaven/mind that craves, seeks, misses, desires, lusts, and therefore I forgive myself for not seen/realizing that not living here as breath, as a physical tree/being is the reason for my addiction. So I let go, I breathe, I remain here as a physical being.

Drug addiction is something I have seen in ample, I mean it’s so obviously clear when a drug addict is chasing, seeking a rush, it’s very clear that all he/she wants is a fix, at any cost, he just want a fix for his addiction, in fact, he is addicted to the FEELINGS the drug gives him, not to the drug itself, but to the FEELING the drug gives him. Very similar to me, addicted to the FEELINGS but mistakenly believe that I am addicted to the persons.

I mean, it’s really questionable when I am directed by this drug addiction, everything I do around it is questionable; my sole purpose is to fix my addiction, to feel those FEELINGS again. It’s a fix, I am looking for. How can I be trusted with life? What if the person doesn’t give me the same FEELINGS anymore (for whatever reason), what if, their smiles don’t’ give me that FEELING anymore, what if, their sweet words don’t’ me that FEELING anymore, what if, their touch doesn’t  give me that FEELING anymore, who will I be, what my stand will be?

My actions while me on the search to fix my addictions are untrustworthy. I mean, it’s like the words of a drug addict, while he is on a crazy rush to find a fix, he will say anything because he just want a fix, so clearly the addict is untrustworthy, without a doubt. Yet, when I behave like a drug addict to find a fix to appease my addictions to FEELINGS, I cannot see myself in equality to a drug addict and STOP the madness. How strange.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize all I am seeking from another is a fix for my addictions to those FEELINGS again. And mistakenly believe that the other is awesome, not seen/realizing it is the FEELINGS I get and the rush that is awesome. Yes, awesome FEELINGS.

So here I am, I breathe, I let go, I see/realize my urge to find a fix, to get those good old familiar FEELINGS to which I am addicted to. So when and as I see myself craving to get a fix through a person to appease/have those FEELINGS, I stop, I breathe, because I know all I am doing is like a drug addict, looking for a fix. Looking for those FEELINGS again. The addiction stops here, with breathing.

I stop, I breathe.

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