Day 362 – Extreme Fear of Criticisms.

momI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistrust myself. Instead of looking at things practically, I have allowed myself to take things personally. So I forgive myself for looking at things personally and in that develop a sense of mistrust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take ‘criticisms’ personally instead of seen that criticism of my work is just that, simply looking at how to fix or make something better, there is nothing personal about it.

I have memories where my mother would without hesitation condemn or criticize my work, my projects, my ideas, my comments, as if anything and everything I say is somehow piece of junk to her, at least that’s how she responded. She must have learned that from the generation before her, and passed/project it unto me. I mean be it school work, or a discussion I am having, or a question I am asking, or an idea I am presenting, anything like that I would get that condemning criticism mixed with ridicule. The anger and rage I would experience at times when she speak like that is just amazing. I used to react like hell to her comments. Of course now I have stopped looking for my mother’s feedback on anything, I mean even now, her feedback is ridiculing sarcastic criticism. I realize there is such thing called ‘constructive criticism’ where a correctional path/option is provided/discussed, nothing is personal in that, simply ‘look this can be fixed’.

Anyways, I see/realize MINDS are just pre-programmed life pre-designs, meaning every MIND is more or less set to be like that by design, so my mother for an instant ‘designed’ like that; it is her pre-programmed life design. Unfortunately it is horrible, but I could have easily been in her shoes, meaning I could have landed in her ‘life’ and done the exactly the same things which I am whining about. Every mind is like that pre-programmed to keep the person/being locked down as a slave.

Minds do differ in variety/contents but in essence they are ALL the same, meaning every mind is a pre-programmed thing just living its limited time out using the physical body, that’s why human patterns are extremely predictable and the same overtime. My mother is still the same person she was 30 years ago, her patterns of criticism of me is the same. Funny. She doesn’t know any better. Very similar to the words of Jesus “they do not know what they are doing”. In that realization, there is innocence. You have to forgive a robot that is set to behave in a set way, you can’t punish them.

Anyways, now I am walking this desteni process to STOP my pre-programmed robotic patterns so that I can be a self-willed, self-directed human being, not a pre-programmed soul-driven pre-design mindset like my mother/any-human being is.

I am still responsible for how I conditioned myself as a result of my mother’s nasty criticisms. Regardless of how innocence she is, I am still affected by it, as I allowed it to sink into me; therefore I am responsible to delete all those patterns and acceptances and allowances.

So the pattern I am looking here tonight: taking things personally when anyone specially women give me any criticism of ‘my work’, even simple constructive comment can trigger that ‘hurt/taking things personally’ mindset. Because that virus/pattern is in ME already, just waiting to pop up.

So some self-forgiveness to let it go, let that learning go, and set myself free, and in that strange way set my mother free also, but that’s an act of god, if you believe in god that is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally when I am given any criticism by women, thinking and believing that every woman to be like mother and in this I forgive myself for carrying the memory where my mother used to give nothing but critics of my works, my words, my comments, my questions, my answers. In this I forgive myself for learning to take things very personally when people offer me any sort of criticism on my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate any criticism of my work as ‘put down of me’, not seen/realizing nobody is putting me down, it is simply I am taking it that way. In this I forgive myself for not seen/realizing my mother’s constant criticism and ridiculing of me was due to her lack of understanding, she simply didn’t know better, therefore I forgive myself for taking her words seriously and allow myself to get hurt easily when people give me a criticism of my work even now. Not seen/realizing, nobody is putting me down, simply providing a perspective on making something better or improving something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dreadfully fear receiving criticisms because I have associated criticism to being put down of myself. Not seen/realizing this is the association I have made based on my childhood memories of how my mother responded to me upon looking at my works. This memory is no longer needed; it need not define me nor my existence anymore. I am here, breathing, this very moment I am HERE, past is past, moment before is gone, the moment now is HERE. I look at this moment and direct it accordingly, in what is best for all. No need for memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize a criticism of my work doesn’t mean ridicule or humiliation or hurt or shame, or being put down, it simply means there are ways to improve my work, that’s it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear any form of criticism of my work because it reminds me of my memories with my mother. So I stop, I breathe, I see/realize memories are done, past is past, I am here, this moment I am breathing, not defined by past. So I breathe, and let go. I let go of the fear of facing criticism of my works, I let go of the pattern of ‘taking things personally.

When and as I see myself reacting to any criticism of my work, I STOP, I breathe. Because I see/realize that’s an old pattern based on past memories, which are no longer valid. I am here, I direct myself here in and as breath in what is best for all.

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