Day 365 – One down, Six more years of daily Self-Writing to go.

cakeOne year of self-writing today, day number 365. Nice. It is an achievement from the perspective that I have walked thus far and there is no turning back, meaning no giving up. In walking this, I have also realized the benefit of daily writing, self-writing, it’s a real treat for self. Writing is an act of self-intimacy, a time for self, time for self-reflection, a moment to look-within.

Yet as I mark the first year, there is no celebration, because I can clearly see how certain patterns are repeating over and over again. I have not been able to STOP them for good. The pattern of giving ‘Justifications’, which allows me to fall, is something I have to really nail it down, because over the last 1 year, too many times, too often I have allowed ‘Justifications’ and consequently accepted and allowed ‘falling’.

So today being Day number 365, I must ask myself the question: how much fallings is acceptable/OK before it becomes just too much? Meaning I would cross a point of no return due to ‘too much fallings’. I see that danger, because I have been giving too many justifications, very nice and convenient justifications all along the road, which nicely allowed me to FALL. I mean at some point this FALLING habit must STOP. NO MORE FALLING. How much ‘falling’ is acceptable before I will say “I am done falling”, now I will stand for good? That’s the question tonight, because over the last year or so, I see the point of falling as a prominent point, which goes hand in hand with giving loads of justifications.

If I don’t stop these justifications and ‘falling points’, it would be matter of time when reality will hit me hard and force me to face the point in the PHYSICAL, by which time it might be ‘too late’ for me.

Mind loves to give justifications, it sounds SO good, sounds SO OK, sounds absolutely fine, yet I KNOW, it’s not fine, because I am allowing a point of self-dishonestly, a point of desire, a point of energy, a point of money, or a point of anger, or memory to have the last word, all the while I am pretending to be at sleep. I know, I am allowing that point hence I am allowing the justifications, and moreover I am allowing the point of fall, yes, so the ‘fall point’ is deliberate. All that is done for the pleasure of ENERGY.

So that’s how I have been allowing and accepting justifications all along the road.  Another nasty point I have allowed is deceiving myself with self-forgiveness, I would deliberate say “ok I can do this just one time and I can self-forgive myself afterwards”, that’s the mother of all deceit where you deliberately do something self-dishonest knowing you can ‘make it up’ with self-forgiveness later on. That’s like abusing self-forgiveness. I mean who am I cheating? Who am I forgiving? Is someone out there going to reward me for doing self-forgiveness? NO, absolutely NOT. So who am I deceiving by playing tricks with justifications? Only myself.

So here today, I want to really put a STOP to these bullshit justifications I have been allowing. A fall could still happen, but why? That could only if I allow it? So it is clear, I have been deliberately allowing and accepting myself to lie through the teeth with justifications. I mean, justification itself is a lie. You only need to justify something if it is a total lie; you never have to justify a truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I have allowed lying through the teeth because I have allowed justifications to go wild.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I have allowed myself to ‘fall’ deliberately with the understanding that I can always ‘get back to normal’ with self-forgiveness, in that I see/realize how I have allowed myself to abuse even self-forgiveness, all to just meet my desire for ENERGY.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that there comes a point where too many falls will lead to a point of no return. Meaning how many falls will I allow before it’s too much, or too late?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that there is no point in hiding my face under the stand, I simply have to stand up and walk again with a steady commitment and conviction that I will no longer accept and allow myself to manipulate myself and others with JUSTIFICATIONS.

When and as I see myself giving any form of justification either to myself or to another, I STOP, I breathe, because I see/realize giving justification is lying through the teeth. And I see/realize how much I have justified each time I fell, and accept the justifications as ‘normal’. As if, I could justify what I am doing, then, ok cool, I have won the right to lie, like a lawyer in a court room, I have won the case, here I am the judge, and I am the jury, in the court of my own self-deceit. Once justifications are laid out in ample, then, I with a smile proceed to take the plunge of self-deceit. In that I see/realize I have not only lied to myself, I have abused others as life, I have abused life itself. I mean, even one act of justification and lying is more than enough. THIS MUST BE STOPPED.

So one year mark is a good time to ‘get real’ and put an end to giving justifications.

When and as I see myself saying the words “just this onetime only” I will stop and breathe, because I see/realize that is an entry point in acting out the deceit by giving justifications.  “Just one time” is how everything piles up. One time of anger, one time of rage, one time of scolding , one time of blaming, one time of jealousy, one time of lying, one time of cheating, one time doing this or that, and that’s how they pile up.

When I was visiting the desteni farm back in 2010, I remember Bernard Poolman just casually asked me a question “how many times is abusing life allowed?”, (or something similar to that), obviously the answer is not ONE, you cannot even ONCE abuse life. It is not acceptable even ONCE.

So that’s the thing about giving justifications, which I have done now enough times on so many points, some more than others, hence this pattern of giving justifications must end. Today is a good to commit to that.

When and I see myself giving any sort of ‘justification’ I commit myself to stop and breathe, and see how I am allowing self-deceit.

I commit myself to STOP giving justifications; I commit myself to STOP lying to myself and others. I commit myself to realize that giving justifications is abuse, is abuse against life.

LIFE is ONE, so accepting and allowing justifications to abuse one hidden corner of life is in fact allowing the abuse of the whole of life. So justifications even on a minor scale MUST be stopped.

When and as I see myself giving justifications of any kind, I stop and I breathe, and I mark it with a red flag, because I know, once justifications start to flow, I am stepping into danger zone, a point of fall could be imminent, hence, I also see/realize I have had enough falls, it’s time to stop.

Cool. Long road ahead, this journey to life, minimum 7 years, in my case it could be longer. Nice to mark the first year of self-writing, I can tell for sure, self-writing is an amazing act of self-care, self-intimacy. It helps in self-realization. I am like I want to scream and ask why didn’t  I start this long ago? I would have walked years and years by now; unfortunately I only started this journey to life one year ago, cool, glad to walk this.

So if you’re out there reading this, I strongly encourage you, start your daily writing, write yourself to freedom. Just jolt down your shit every day, and whenever you’re ready you can ‘officially’ start your journey to life as inspired by, it’s something you will never regret, though it might be hard at times to get going with writing, but once you started, you will be soon here, marking your day number 365. But it starts with Day number 1. So get your ass moving and start your Day number 1, don’t put it off.  If you need any help with setting up your blogs just like mine here, please contact me, I will be glad to set one up for you, so you can focus on writing. Cool? Cool.

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