Self-writing to freedom. Breathing is always a good way to start self-writing, to get out of the lethargy or resistance to write. Funny, even after 1 year of self-writing, I am still facing resistance, mostly in the form of ‘I have nothing to write’, obviously that’s an outright excuse. There is always something to write, loads of stuff to write about. Look at this existence, look at my day, what did I accept and allow, what thoughts did I participate in? There is a lot to sort out. So this excuse is not valid. Now the cat is out of the bag, let me start writing the topic tonight.
Be in the body, breathe, and become aware of the body, because awareness of the body is important, otherwise easy to get lost in the mind. there is always something going on in the mind, some thought, some judgment, some fears, what-ifs, worries, likes, dislikes, paranoia, desires, anxieties like a den of parasites, the mind is always busy with something, often in subtle ways, may be not even easy to detect them. They come and go so fast. Things are constantly brewing in the mind, not to mention all the related feelings/emotions that bubble up. Anyways.
Self-stability is very important, otherwise like raging waters, the mind can go wild, nuts and bananas. Mind can go so crazy leading to nasty physical consequences. But all that can be stopped with breathing and self-stability. A sense of Hereness, I am here, I am breathing, and I am not lost in the mind thinking endless shit, or letting the feelings/emotions to swing me around. Be here. Breathe.
Interesting point just came up, my brother just called me, one of the brothers, the funny thing is, I have a tendency to complain a lot to him, it seems every time he calls, I whine about something. Interesting pattern, this I have observed before too. With the other brother, I tend to preach, give advice, sort of; he is the younger of the two. Could it be I have nothing to talk to them? I think my brothers are really showing me what I have allowed within myself. I mean instead of whining or lecturing them, I commit myself to listen to them, ask them, how is your situation, etc, listen to their stories for a change, as both are apparently working 7 days a week now, as living in Toronto is not cheap. So we hardly see or speak, and whenever we do, it seems I hijack the talk by whining about something. I have to understand why I am whining almost always with this one brother?
It is true I crave for my brother’s attention, I like them to treat me like a boss, with respect, with attention etc. this is a subject I need to write much about in my private writings, because I have extensive amount to judgments from the past. Strangely enough I have fears about my brothers too; there is a deep judgment that they “don’t like me”. As growing up, my parents and my siblings were a ‘team’ apparently against me, as my brothers could easily have my parents ‘get me’ without a question. Being young in the family, they had much more team-connection to my parents, but me on the other hand, was a lone solider in the family, four against one kind of a thing. So you can imagine a lot of shit to sort out, juicy material for my private writing of course. My brothers are 5 and 7 years younger to me, so as kids we were in different groups, a 15-year old and a 10-year old have nothing in common, other than the roof they share. So there is a lot sort out through writing, because I do like to have a cordial relationship with my brothers, now that we are much older, I see no reason why I have to carry old stuff. Funny thing about whining is, it’s like I am getting a bit of attention ow, so might as well get as much as out of it, so whine as much as I can, sort of mentality is what I am allowing when I speak to one of the brothers. No wonder he calls me so rarely.
Another weird thing that I see when I communicate with my brothers is, that how much I have become just like my dad, I have the same mannerisms, patterns just like dad. That’s a serious defect I would like to debug it out, at the moment through the Desteni-I-process I am writing a mind-construct on dad. Interesting stuff, I would have never imagined in my life, that I would become a copy of my dad someday. Son like father, inheriting the sins of the father, true today I am very much a copy of him, and that has already brought much consequence in my life.
But there is a hope, actual physical hope, because I see/realize that as I take self-responsibility for myself, for who I am, for breathing, for stabilizing myself, I see that I can undo my inheritance and become a new human being. I mean nothing evil about this, it is what it is, all humans are evil in their mind-design, that’s not hard to see, and I am not a special evil, nor my dad is. As long as I don’t take absolute self-responsibility for myself, stand up as myself, as life, here, as breath, then I will be influenced by others, be it a parent, sibling, or society or anything. I mean that’s why human race is so robotic, even those with ‘perfect’ parents.
I have to take full responsibility for myself, for what’s going on within my mind, for what I allow and accept, I mean I cannot blame it on anyone or anything. Especially I cannot blame about my brothers and parents as I have given them enough hell already, so this is something I have to write and self-forgive extensively, a brother’s gift sort of. I have to set them free from my own judgments about them.
As long as there is blame there cannot be change. That’s common sense. And that’s what I have been doing with my brothers, I sort of whine/blame about some shit to him all the time. Whining is blaming. Strange, it looks like if I don’t’ whine about something to my brother then I have absolutely nothing to talk about, there is a lull, a silence. That’s show what I have accepted and allowed within myself, extensive blame. I have to return to this ‘blame’ point again, to break it down, let it go. I think I have to write a list of all the blames/whine I ever spoke to my brother about and self-forgive them. Something likes that, something dramatic. I heard that Bernard Poolman did some 8-hours of self-forgiveness one day with someone face to face, something like that, that’s when he unlocked the power of self-forgiveness. I guess I have to start a project like that, perhaps not face to face; no guts for that, but hours on, let the stuff from the gut go away. Too much blame from the past, that’s why even now, I have the tendency to whine about something. And it seems I always have SOMETHING going on to blame about, how weird is that.
Cool. Self-forgiveness is on the way.