Day 369 – Thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, and thinking. Will it ever STOP?

imagesWhat did I do today? Thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking and more Thinking.

No matter what I do, THINKING is happening as a background noise. Thinking while driving, Thinking while speaking, Thinking while listening, Thinking while reading, Thinking while walking, Thinking while eating, Thinking while shitting, Thinking while showering, Thinking while washing, Thinking while parking, Thinking while buying, Thinking while sleeping, Thinking while waking up, I am sure Thinking while fucking too, Thinking while feeling, Thinking while on the phone, Thinking while planning, Thinking while making decisions,

Basically Thinking has become synonymous to breathing, how pathetic is that? So I see/realize I am automatically thinking all day, no matter what.

I am not saying STOP thinking when in fact THINKING is a tool very much need at times, but AUTO thinking is the problem, which is more than 99% of the time, if not more. THINKING even now while typing this, yes I am THINKING. Not here, just expressing myself as a physical being. Let the words flow, no, there is some subtle THINKING going on.

Thinking even when dying. One last chance to THINK. The last breath is the last chance to THINK. ONE LAST thought.

I direct myself to breathe; I direct myself to stop when and as I see myself lost in the THINKING machine. I direct myself to STOP the machine that is running on auto-mode that is running wild, THINKING like crazy, all sorts of THINKING, fear is THINKING, worry is THINKING, jealousy is a form of THINKING, lust is a form of THINKING, desire is a form of THINKING, greed is a form of THINKING, as you THINK you become. Anxiety is a form of THINKING. Nervousness is a form of THINKING. Shame is a form of THINKING. Embarrassment is a form of THINKING. Loneliness is form of THINKING. Abandonment is a form of THINKING. Isolation is a form of THINKING. As I THINK I become.

Breathing with awareness is NOT Thinking. But unfortunately even breathing is happening as THINKING goes on, hence breathing is automatic, unaware. I THINK because I fear to STOP thinking, because apparently if I STOP thinking I may cease to exist, my STORY may cease to exist, I may cease to exist. I THINK therefore I exist, said some fool, and he is right, as I am a living proof of that. My very reason to think is that I fear if I STOP THINKING my STORY may END. Fear of non-existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear NON-existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may cease to exist if I STOP thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my story may END if I stop THINKING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate LIVING to THINKING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate EXISTING to THINKING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic at the possibility to STOPPING THE MIND.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic that my entire life-story may END if I stop THINKING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I have become a zombie because I have allowed myself to THINK like an automatic-non-stop THINKING robot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize at death THINKING STOPs. The last breath equals Last Thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR just breathing, NO MORE THINKING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I THINK then my relationships will be ALIVE at least in my head, not seen/realizing this is like THINKING about Santa in order to have a Christmas outside all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to THINK because I believe that I must THINK, otherwise I will be a zombie, not seen/realizing THINKING makes me a zombie. Everything is in reverse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I have caused much harm to my physical body through automatic-THINKING, therefore it is my responsibility to take this point seriously and STOP THINKING. BE here, breathe, LIVE. Use the tool of thinking as and when needed as a tool.

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