Breathing is a nice way to start blogging. I have been feeling that resistance again. It’s like I always start with this resistance feeling when it comes to blogging. Perhaps this is due to lack of writing, lack of intimate, in-depth writing. I guess I have been writing from that ‘home-work’ mentality, just for the sake of getting it done. I need to revisit that starting point. Have been falling behind in personal/private writing too, where I used to write at least 1000 words daily, giving myself that space to be intimate with myself. Like 2-3 weeks now have been slowing down bit. Perhaps that’s why this resistance is coming up each time I set to blog.
There is no doubt, self-writing is an awesome self-support tool, the more you write, the better it is, the better you become in it, and lot more shit gets out. Listen to this interview that’s free on eqafe.com which talks about writing as such. Self-understanding, self-intimacy comes from self-writing.
Things that are going on within myself, I must be able to ‘see’ and write them down, and then self-forgive it and let it go. Ignoring is the worse thing to do, because as you ignore, they pile up, and up, leading to inner mess. So writing is cool.
So what is that I am going to write here tonight? Yes last night while rolling in bed, anger was raging in me, it’s almost funny, I was recalling so many past angry episodes that were long gone, strange enough they all came up last night to keep me wake. That’s was lot of angry stuff to think about in one night of sleep. Yet I see/realize in one breath I could have just said NO. I was half successful as I didn’t let myself entirely be possessed by such angry stories, but still allowed some indulgence. The moment I see/realize that an automation, a program is running without my direct consent then that very moment I am empowered to STOP it, and breathe. That’s cool.
Another cool blog from directive-dynamics today about aloneness awesome stuff, I super highly recommend reading this author. He has some interesting shit to say. I mean we do so much to avoid that ‘lonely’ space within us; it seems like the whole world is about providing things to escape that nightmarish feeling of dreaded aloneness/loneliness we feel within. Yet he argues, that’s where the transcendence happen, when you embrace that of you, and not run away from it. Because the search is for the self, ultimately, but looking everywhere else. So breathe, be here, and stop running. He recommends writing, to bring the self together. Because the self is fragmented now within, so bring the self together through writing. I must become whole within me, ONE MIND, no personalities, no reactions, just that pure darkness, that nothingness. Of course it’s a process to get there, but it starts with writing, breathing and self-forgiveness.
So I am committing myself here to return to daily writing again with bit more effort. Meaning, I have to start my personal/private blog again; daily private writing is like having breakfast, to start the day so to speak, private blogging helps in that. No point is carrying lot of shit about others, or events in the head, better to write them and let them go. I want to read that directive-dynamic blog again, really to grab his view about writing, its cool stuff, and realize that instruction within me, so I can use it to assist me to realize the importance of daily writing. This is a journey where I will return to NOTHINGNESS.
Self-honest writing, publish or not, that’s up to you, if you wish, publish it, otherwise keep it as private blog. I know some shit is just too much to share.
But do write, return to nothingness, return to that fearful aloneness instead of running away from it through millions of distractions. I breathe, I remain here. I embrace me, I embrace all parts of me, I stop running around looking for covers to hide my loneliness, instead I look for ways to write out my shit, I see/realize writing is the FIRST act, I must WRITE first. This is the way to get rid of my shit, otherwise they pile up.
Cool. That’s it for tonight.