Day 375 – Attention seeking personality is still busy. Time to stop the disease.

scared-monkeyAttention seeking is a disease that is still around finding subtle ways to show up. At work today, I found myself speaking/writing about a point which I later realize was mainly about ‘attention seeking’. I mean, had I taken complete self-responsibility for the issue my communication with others would have been entirely different, I may still have asked the same questions, but from an entirely different starting point. When the aim is to get attention it’s a whole different ball game. This is rather embarrassing too. I mean people can see that there is a ‘give me attention’ thing going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that it’s the unwillingness to take responsibility for the problems is the reason why I am looking to get attention to make myself look important at work. Self-importance. Instead of focusing on the problem and how to solve them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize desiring to feel important, valuable is driving me in the opposite direction because of my subtle attempts at seeking attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize seeking attention is a disease which I must now STOP it, the time has arrived. I do so by breathing, living here breath by breath and slowing myself down, and really focusing on the ISSUE at hand, NOT focusing on the people or their attention. Because I realize what happens is that based on who is at the scene I change, because my desire for attention shifts, either wanting more attention or getting away from them. Driving force is attention seeking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize trying to be all friendly or cool or kind or nice or all that has a touch of attention seeking. Because I want to get attention so I play the cards accordingly, therefore I direct myself to slow down, breathe, just BE WITHIN myself, as if there is NOBODY around, just within myself, from that I direct myself to communicate with others to get the job done.

Desiring to be liked by others, desiring to feel wanted by others, or desiring to feel important to others, or desiring to be a ‘valuable employee’ is all fucking drama to get attention, I mean, I simply remain within myself, within breathing, and FOCUS on the issue at hand, get the job DONE, that’s it. There is no need for the extra efforts, plays to have others focus on me, giving me attention.

When and as I communicate with people I simply communicate, I breathe, I focus on the subject, I listen attentively, and I say if there is something relevant to discus, instead of making stupid jokes to make everyone laugh etc., all that is drama, attention seeking drama.

Sucks big time, but no self-judgment, it is what it is; now I see these patterns are in me, so I direct myself to STOP. Nobody wants an eternal joker around, who does nothing but making others laugh, that’s obviously attention seeking. It’s another blog to deal with sense of humor, I mean at which point does sense of humor becoming attention seeking?

Anyways, the key realization here is, stay within myself, live as if there is NOBODY around, I mean when I am all alone I don’t do any strange dramas to get attention, do I? When I am alone I just live, I just breathe. But when I am with people, or when I communicate with people, then the attention seeking personality goes on top gear, of course with my permission/direction.

So how to stop this disease. It’s kind of depressing what I am doing to myself, basically I am telling everyone that “hey guys, I don’t’ give a damn about myself, so please give me a damn by giving me some attention”.  Shame, sooner or later, they too will get tired of giving me attention, or will get tired of my attention-seeking-tricks.

Its wanting to be liked by others is one of the biggest driving forces here. I am trying very hard to be liked by others. In that also I am clearly indicating a Lack. “Hey I don’t’ like myself, so can you guys show me that you like me, at least”. How desperate is that. Sucks to say the least.

So what’s the correct?

When and as I see myself either speaking or writing with my focus being the OTHER PEOPLE, I stop, I breathe, because I see/realize the moment my focus is OTHER people, there is the chance my objective is attention seeking, so I stop I breathe. If I am truly looking to support another, either by listening to them or speaking to them, then I direct myself to check within myself that I am not turning support into attention seeking chance. It’s very smart thing to do, “I will help you, so I listen to you, in that I will get your attention. checkmate”.

When and as I see myself writing or speaking with OTHER PEOPLE as my main focus, instead of the issue at hand, I STOP I breathe, because I see/realize when others are MY FOCUS, attention seeking disease is rising up.

When and as I see within myself that I am gearing for attention seeking, I pause, I stop, I breathe, because I see/realize/understand attention seeking is a tiring, exhaustive thing, both for me and others, energy feeding is tiring. So I stop, I breathe.

When and as I see myself writing or speaking to be LIKED by others, I stop, I breathe, because I see/realize and understand, WANTING TO BE LIKED by others is a disease, in which I am telling about my lack. Lack reinforces lack.

So nothing much to do on this, no point in blaming myself, or judging myself, simply walk the correction, and live it breath by breath.

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