Day 379 – “How could she do this to her own kids” – Not a question but a Judgement.

self-forgivenessI was talking a friend today and he had some news about his daughter and her 2 kids. She is apparently not an active mom, meaning, she has left her two kids with their respective fathers, basically the kids don’t’ get to see their mom often, very rarely it seems. My friend was sharing this ordeal about his grand-kids and daughter, but as I was listening, I could see that I was judging, and even blaming her.

“How could she do this to her own kids”? “I mean a 11-year kid needs his mother”. Things like that I was telling my friend without seen/realizing and understanding the girl is walking her own process. I am in no position whatsoever to judge this girl. I see/realize and understand it is her process, she deciding to cut off her connection to her kids is part of her process, and someday I am sure she will see/realize and understand the seriousness of such decision, but it is not up to me to make judgment calls. I mean, who knows what’s this mom is going through.  Judging and blaming is so easy to do, I mean who knows all the intricate details of her decision, maybe she considered that to be the BEST thing for her kids to be with their respective fathers, perhaps she saw herself as unfit at the moment to be around with them full-time  Whatever it is, I have no clue about the details, and I have no clue about what’s inside her head. I have no clue about her life story; hence I have no authority whatsoever to pass any judgments on this. “How could she do this to her own kids”, I regret speaking those words to my friend. Clearly I was speaking like some kind of a superior priest passing a judgment about a weakling instead of just listening as i would liked to be listened to. Not cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the words “how could she do this to her own kids”, not seen/realizing I was speaking to judge, to blame another without seen/realizing and understanding their entire situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge MM for apparently abandoning her kids, in this I forgive me for not seen/realizing and understanding that I don’t’ have the whole story, I don’t’ know any details, moreover I don’t’ know what’s going on in MM’s head, so I see/realize I have no right to judge or blame her.

I realize its uncool to cut off connection to one’s kids like that, but I have to realize this person doesn’t  know what she is doing, she has no clue about actions and consequences of such decisions, it’s not she is doing such because of her pure evilness, she simply doesn’t  know what she is doing. And certainly I have no authority whatsoever to make a judgment call on this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to energetically react when I heard the story. In this I see/realize I energetically reacted when I heard that a mother had cut off connection to her 2 kids. In this I see/realize how this is not about MM, it is about my own mom, because somewhere there is a fear that my mom and I have cut off our connection a very long time in some ways.  I was simply reacting to my own memories and fears of my past. I feared that my mom might have done something like that to me when I was 10 or 11, she might have gotten rid of me, if she had the chance. I recall memories of where she spoke such words of getting rid of me. So today I was simply reacting to my own MeMories but was activated by MM, a daughter of a friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge MM as someone who is totally messed up, I mean “just see how messed up she is, she even cut off her connection to her 2 kids”. In this I see/realize how energetically I have reacted upon hearing this story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I was reacting to my own childhood fears of being abandoned by my mother. In this I see/realize instead of simply listening to my friend’s story and suggesting him to NOT to judge or Blame his daughter, I see/realize how I went into an energetic reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize this is her process, so she will deal with the decisions and consequences in due time, it is not for me to judge or blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame MM for the ‘evil’ she has done to her 2 kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge MM for the ‘evil’ she has done, not seen/realizing these are my own energy reactions that I am dumping onto MM.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those 2 kids as ‘destroyed now’ because their mother is not around full-time anymore, in this I see/realize I was simply dumping my own energy reactions. I see this is totally unnecessary , so I breathe; I stop any reactions to this story. It is what it is. And this is her own process, and the children are walking their own process too, and certainly it is not up to me to judge or blame. If anything I support them by NOT judging them and NOT blaming them, NOT seen them as ‘destroyed now’ or as ‘what a terrible mother’ etc. because in that I see/realize how I am projecting my own fears, judgments about my own mom onto this situation.

So I breathe and let go.

When and as I see myself reacting energetically to MM’s story, I STOP, I breathe, because I see/realize and understand each is walking their own process, and it is NOT up to me to JUDGE or Blame anyone. I stop, I breathe.  

There is another angle to this event, because as I participate in this, as I was listening to my friend’s sad story, in a very subtle way I am getting attention from my friend, isn’t that weird. I have used this trick to get attention from people, just listen to their sad tunes, in that I look ‘good’, like such a caring person, after all, I am listening to their sad stories, but of course what a way to get attention.

Its a catch-22 like situation, here a friend talking casually about things, then one point leading to another, the story turns sad, as stuff about his daughter came up, then I am listening ‘more’ now, as he seems to go into this ‘sharing mode’, in that I am getting a LOT of attention, as me the great listener, is listening to somebody’s heartaches. But for sure, I am getting my return on investment of time, I am getting attention. because clearly, I won’t listen to just anyone in my circle, some I listen, some I totally ignore as I dont’ have time for their stories. But for some, I have all the time in the world, obviously I like their attention. So this is a tricky point to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to people’s heartache stories from the starting point of desiring their ATTENTION.

I forgive myself for not seen/realizing I like it when people have sad stories to share with me, because it gives me a chance to be a great LISTENER, hence get a lot of ATTENTION. I see/realize this is a trick, so the starting point matters for sure, because people do ‘share’ stuff with me, and listening to them is cool support, but if I am doing so from a starting point of wanting their ATTENTION, well, that sucks big time. I should sit on a park bench with a big note saying “will listen to your sad stories for free”, because obviously I will get their attention. So when and as I see myself listening to another from the starting point of desiring/wanting/needing their ATTENTION, I stop, I breathe, because its obviously not listening to support another, rather I am using the ‘sharing’ thing as a tricky way to get ATTENTION just for myself. It has nothing to do with my friend or his daughter or her kids or anything like that, it was all about ME getting ATTENTION from my friend, whom I kind of look upto.

There you go. that’s the catch, getting ATTENTION by listening to sad stories. This is something my mother does very often, she is a master of digging sad things out of people so that she can ‘listen’ to them and get THEIR attention. No wonder I absolutely hated it whenever she does it. Viola, that pattern is in ME.  Time to let go, and breathe.

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