Day 391 – reacting to facial expressions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on the facial expression of the person I am speaking to.

I have noticed this point, whenever I am speaking with somebody I observe their ‘facial expressions’ to see/guess what is that I am ‘showing’ to them. If their facial expressions look sort of ‘unpleasant’ or ‘negative’ I hold myself back, I kind of go into ‘hiding’, and become self-conscious. This is sort of looking at their faces to see if I can confirm my own self-judgments. In this I see/realize I am not totally relaxed when I am speaking with another on 1-to-1 basis, there is constant facial-expression analysis going on. If they ‘look happy’ then I relax, feels good, feels accepted, and their facial expressions look a bit on the negative side, I immediately try to adjust my own facial expression to show signs of ‘happiness’ or adjust myself a little bit so that I can adjust their responsive facial expression.

All that comes from lack of self-confidence or lack self-comfort in what I am speaking about. And also, due to self-judgment that may be others won’t like me to speak. Recently I was reading a Journey to Life blog on this very point, and from that I saw the point that my mom used to often tell me to ‘shut up’ whenever I spoke, it seems what I have to say means nothing, perhaps that has caused a sense of ‘discomfort’ when I am speaking to others. Also, another point in relation to this is, my missing tooth, yep, I have a big gap which I am very conscious about, maybe that’s another reason why I look their faces as I speak, to see if they find it unpleasant about my spacey teeth. Oh man, all kinds of bullshit fucked up judgments and self-judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sense of shame as I am communicating with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sense of discomfort as I communicate with another in this I see/realize how I ‘observe’ their facial expressions to validate myself, to feel OK.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sense of rejection as if they are not interested in what I have to say, not seen/realizing this comes from memories where my mother often told me to ‘shut up’ whenever I spoke up. In this I forgive myself for believing that my voice is insignificant and matters not to anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself whenever my mom told me to shut up, and in that I forgive me for believing that nobody cares for what I have to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sense of ‘not interested in what I have to say’ feeling, as I observe their facial expressions, as if it is a facial signal for me to SHUT UP. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others find me ‘unpleasant’ as I speak to them, because I believe that my spacey teeth makes an unpleasant sight. In this I forgive me for holding onto a memory where a friend once told me that my missing tooth and the gap as ‘unpleasant’. In this I see/realize I have allowed those words to sink in and consequently always noticing the facial expressions of people to confirm that memory and hence self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame that I have spacey tooth and a big gap. In this I see/realize how observant I have become in watching people’s facial expressions as I speak to them, as if me watching to validate my own self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if ‘I must not speak, I must shut up’, in this I see/realize how I have allowed childhood memories to condition me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about my spacey teeth. In this I forgive myself for desiring perfect Hollywood teeth, not seen/realizing perfect teeth cost loads of money for dental work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed fears when I am speaking to another within the belief that I must SHUT UP. Not seen/realizing I am operating from memory instead of being here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncomfortable as I speak/communicate with another, and in that I forgive me for looking at their facial expressions for validity, instead of simply being here as breath and speaking/communicating in self-comfort. when and as I see myself looking at people’s responsive facial expressions towards me, I stop, I breathe, I slow down, because i see/realize the reason I am looking at their facial expressions is to confirm my own self-judgments, therefore I stop it, I breathe.       

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