Day 396: Self-motivating without external push/energy/attention.

Personal:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to motivate myself only when there is an ‘energy push’ that is pushing me to move/act/do-things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alive when I get that ‘energy push’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dull, depressed, bored when there is no ‘energy push’ from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump like a monkey from one state to another when I get that ‘energy push’ from another. In this I forgive myself for lacking in self-motivation, always requiring an ‘energy push’ from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave for ‘energy’ from another, always wanting, needing, requiring an ‘energy push’ to feel alive, and motivate myself to do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am boring and dull without ‘energy’ from others, in this I see/realize how much addicted I have become to energy from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek ‘energy’ from others in so many ways, not seen/realizing its always about needing ‘attention’ to make me feel alive, to feel not-alone, not-left-out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire energy, desire attention, so that I can feel not-alone, feel like I am wanted, needed, in this I forgive myself for believing that without that ‘energy push/attention’ I am dull and boring and pretty much depressed. I forgive myself for making this ‘energy push’ a life-force in itself for me to motivate myself, not seen/realizing/understanding breathing with awareness is the force that I need to motivate myself, not energy.

Interpersonal:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in interpersonal things with others only if there is some ‘energy push/attention/high’ for me in the form of excitement or happiness, or good times, or encouragement. In this I forgive myself for always avoiding inter-relationship activities if it is to be done out of ‘duty’ or ‘commitment’ or ‘responsibility’. In this I see/realize how ‘happy-addict’ or ‘energy-addict’, or ‘excitement-addict’ I have been when I am dealing with people in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect ‘obligations’, ‘duties’, ‘commitments’, and ‘responsibilities’ because they lack that happy/exciting ‘energy push/attention’ to motivate myself to do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid some people in my life because I see them as boring, or dull, or depressed, or too lonely to hang out with, in this I see/realize/understand how I am looking for that ‘energy push/attention’ from others in my life.

People in my life must be like energy-sluts and they should give me that thrill, otherwise I will find them dull and boring. In this I forgive myself for discarding some people in my life as boring, dull, or depressed, or even as too lonely because they apparently can’t give me that ‘energy push/high/attention’ to me. in this I forgive myself for dealing with people based on the ‘energy’ they give me, instead of simply breathing and d(h)ealing with each as equals without the need for any energy exchanges or thrills from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that the thing we call life, the life-force is equal in ALL, therefore I direct myself to speak/communicate with each as equals, without the need for that ‘energy push/attention/high’ from them. I direct myself to breathe as I communicate with each, so that I can cut through my brainwashing, cut through the mind-energy craving, and remain here on the cutting edge of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave for attention in my interpersonal relationships, because I am craving for ‘energy push/attention/high/thrill’ and I forgive myself for going into that dull/bored/depressed sort of states when I don’t get that ‘energy attention’ from others.

Universal:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a world system that moves, motivates itself only when there is enough ‘energy/pressure from the public’ to act, otherwise I as the world system simply don’t give a fuck about the worsening situation on this earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a world system that moves only when pressure/energy is applied, otherwise lacking any commonsense to direct myself as the world system to bring about any solutions to this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a world system that lacks commonsense, that lacks any guiding principles, other than making money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a world system that moves only on the ‘energy of money’, and that is the ‘energy push/attention/high’ that I have allowed within myself as the world system to motivate myself to do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a world system that does not care based on the principle of equality, instead only move and motivates based on the principle of money and profit, at best, move myself based on the ‘energy push’ of public pressure, but never based on the principle of what is best for all.

Here I see/realize how what I allow within myself I allow within my interpersonal and universal areas, therefore the solution is to STOP participation within myself. I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself requiring that ‘energy push’ to do anything within myself, I realize I don’t need an external energy attention/push/high for me to motivate myself, I can simply in commonsense write down my actions, plans, outcomes, and accordingly act or not act. I see that moving myself based on energy is not real, it’s like a hot air balloon getting lost in space without a pilot, so I see/realize I am the pilot, I am the director, I am the creator of my life, I am the author, authority of my life, I direct myself, I motivate myself in commonsense. When energy need is overwhelming, as I see that it has been my sole motivator for decades, so there will be times when it can overwhelm me, in such moments, I direct myself to breathe, and stop, without rushing into any action or inaction based on energy or lack of it.

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