Day 398 – Not letting ’emotional heaviness’ direct me. I direct me.

self-forgivenessWhen and as I see myself ‘feeling bad’ or ‘feeling heavy’, I stop I breathe. Because I see/realize there is a tendency in me to start conversations just to defuse what I am feeling. In this I am simply trying to escape, therefore I direct myself to breathe, slow down and become self-aware of myself within the moment. As I am aware of myself within the moment, I breathe till the ‘energy build-up’ melts away. Because I realize with this ‘heavy’ state, approaching anyone to communicate is uncool, in that I am simply looking to ‘dump’ my shit onto others. I see that when people come to me to start conversations and they appear to be ‘emotionally heavy’, I don’t like it, because it seems like a drunk wants to chat with me.

When and as I see myself starting a conversation with the starting point of ‘get rid of this heaviness’, I stop, I breathe.

When and as I see myself in that ‘needy’ state of mind, I stop I breathe, I direct myself to breathe with awareness and develop some sense of self-awareness instead talking to others to dump my accumulated energy as emotions/heaviness/mood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start conversations to dump my build-up emotional energy onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must start conversations to dissipate my build-up emotional energy, not seen/realizing in that I am trying to dump my mood/heaviness onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak to others without self-awareness within myself. I this I direct myself to slow down and breathe as I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let anxiety direct me, instead of me directing myself in and as breath of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let emotional energy direct me, instead of me breathing and willing myself to communicate/participate with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let that emotional heaviness, build-up energy direct me. Instead of me breathing and directing myself in what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run away from what I am feeling as ‘heaviness’, instead of just breathing and collecting/gathering myself here in and as breath.

Interpersonal:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let that emotional ‘heaviness’/mood direct me within interpersonal relations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to either ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ interpersonal gatherings based on my emotional highs/lows/heaviness/mood of the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear participating in interpersonal activities when and as I feel that ‘emotional heaviness’ within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself based on my ‘mood’/heaviness while within group settings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear groups, when and as I am in that ‘heavy’ state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid certain people in my life when and as I am in that ‘emotional heavy’ mood/state, within the fear that they will judge me or reject.

Universal:

As the world system, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself lack clarity and allow myself to be clouded by emotional moods, in this as the world system I forgive myself for developing an energy mood/reaction towards other groups of people and subject them to discrimination just because I as the world system have ‘moods/heaviness/emotions’ towards parts of myself. Instead of considering all as equals within breath.

As groups, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop ‘emotional heaviness’/moods towards some other groups of people and thereby create competition/war situations.

As groups of people, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack self-stability and self-awareness so that I can see all as equal and one, without the preferential treatments based on historical/past emotional heaviness.

As groups of people, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as ‘energetically down, weak, and low’ and within that I forgive myself for seeking support/comfort/attention from others groups, without taking self-responsibility for myself.

As groups, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become pan-handling groups because of the so-called emotional heaviness/harm/hurt that was inflicted in the past. In this I see/realize how I am using the past events to create emotional heaviness within myself here/now and accordingly lead myself to a ‘pan-handling’, begging, low, down, depressed state.  Self-victimization.

As groups, I forgive myself for seen/believing myself as a historical victim, in this not seen/realizing I am giving into self-victimization.

Within self-victimization, I go to others asking for help, attention, like pan-handling, begging for attention because I have not taken responsibility for myself.

When and as I see myself begging for attention, seeking attention, looking to dump my victim state’s emotions/moods onto others, I stop, I breathe.

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