Day 415 – Fear of Success.

Hunchback-of-Notre-DameThere is a strange preference in me, a hidden preference to live like bum, a bum lifestyle, like a loser, sort of living without any ambitions, goals, responsibilities etc, basically to live like a bum. I think it gives me a sense of comfort, security, I mean, there is nothing I can lose if I am ready at the rock bottom, so why bother to have a nice house, a nice car, nice stuff, why, I mean it’s so much easier to live like a bum, with minimum things, just busing my way around, living in semi-standards dwellings, etc., it’s the life of a bum, all that is out of fear of loss.

I guess the fear to take responsibility is also a reason for that hidden desire for bum lifestyle. I mean when you’re a bum, you cannot lose anything, nobody can take anything from you. Nobody can threaten to take away things from you. Collection agencies cannot hunt you down, mobs cannot hunt you down, you don’t have to live up to any standards, just ‘hangout’ and waste away life, relax, always cool, nothing to do, just having fun, crashing here and there, sort of homeless out of choice, crashing in semi standard rooms. I mean what kind of a life is that? That’s the type I think I have been eyeing for a while, there is a fear to hit the top gear, so just always lying low, as means of safety, believing that nobody can take anything from me, if I don’t’ have anything. Of course no responsibilities to worry about at all.

Strange way to protect myself from fear of loss. This belief system has jeopardized my success along the road so far. And even now, with considerable chance for success, I am preferring the safe option, by coating it as practical-choice, true it is practical but it also protect me from taking some risk, and keeps me stuck in ‘bum lifestyles’ instead of living in a nice house, driving a nice car etc. the preference to live a bum life, as a safety trick from fear-of-loss is still there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live like a bum, thinking and believing that a bum cannot lose anything; in this I see/realize how I have conditioned myself to create a wall of protection through the idea of being a bum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe “lie low, be at the rock bottom then you cannot fall down”, not seen/realizing it is my fear speaking against becoming successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a home, a nice house, within the idea that I prefer to be a bum, having a home/house ties me down, and so I cannot be a bum free of any responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a hippie, a bum, in this I forgive myself for believing that I will be safe and secure as a bum, in this I forgive myself for believing that a BUM cannot LOSE anything, as a bum I will have nothing to lose anyways. Who is going to take stuff from a bum?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that those at the high will fall, therefore the safest place to be is the lowest, where I can never fall from. You cannot fall from the rock bottom, so I forgive myself for believing that it is safe to be at the rock bottom, because you can never lose at the bottom. You can never lose as a bum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking the steps towards success, because then I fear losing my ‘free life’ not seen/realizing it is better to try for success than just wasting away life in the rock bottom pit because I fear the possibility of success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a nice house, a nice car, nice cool stuff, because I fear losing them, in this I forgive myself for preferring a bum lifestyle where I cannot lose anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking the steps, yes few risky steps to reach a higher success, in this I see/realize how much I am willing to be a bum just to protect me from the fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a successful life, within the fear that I may loss all success and therefore fall to the rock bottom. In this I forgive myself for preferring a bum lifestyle just to protect myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a good life, fear a successful life, because then I will have to be super responsible, I will have to be an example, a role model, in this I forgive me for fear losing everything and becoming a bum, the fall from grace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling from the grace of success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything, fear losing the house, the car, the assets, everything, therefore I forgive me for preferring a bum lifestyle, because ‘when you’re at the rock bottom, you cannot fall down anymore, it is the safest place to be’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like bum lifestyles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a bum lifestyle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am safe; I am protected when I live like a bum. In this I forgive myself for believing that success means I have lot more to lose now. Not seen/realizing I just have to draw a practical map, on how I will manage the new investment chance I am planning, I just have to plan for 2 years, giving myself enough time to get used to success, so I can manage it, I can learn to have tenants, I can learn to make budgets, I can learn to save money, etc., and then I can manage the project to success, I can manage the bills, there is no need to believe that with success I am more likely to fall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am desiring a bum lifestyle because it is free of any responsibility. I can literally live like a bum, a care free, responsible free life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize success is very important, then, I can contribute to changing this world, because as a loser, as a homeless bum, as a carefree, irresponsible bum, I will have very little say in anything, but with success I can utilize that success to make a difference. Life is at stake here, life is the issue here. I mean, working for life is my life’s purpose. My success is to become more responsible for life, whereas me as a bum, I cannot be responsible, because then I am not even responsible for myself. And I am life too.

Life is the issue. So I see/realize and understand I must be a responsible person, I must be a successful person; I must live the good lifestyle, not live like a fucking homeless bum deliberately.

Time to plan, time to write down all the steps, and make a well informed decision for investing.

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