Day 435 – Waiting is a WEIGHT, a heaviness, LIVE instead.

self-forgiveness

Change must be real. I see some areas in my life needs urgent changes, as I have been allowing a pattern of living not cool. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to live some patterns that I know too well that are not supporting me, yet I allow them. So why? Why do I continue to take part in ways of living that I have wanting to change, and not change, but simply continue the same old shit? I have not written enough about them, I have not forgiven them, I have not scripted a correction course for myself about how to change those patterns, ONLY thinking to change but NOT actually changing in fact.

It seems I am always waiting for something, the weight of waiting, what am I waiting for? who am I waiting for? for what season am I waiting for? Living is here in this breath, so what am I waiting for? The waiting must end, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to WAIT to live, not seen/realizing that in waiting I am actually creating a weight about living, and not in fact live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I am not living, because I am stuck in waiting for something, for someone, for some reason, for some season, it seems I am always waiting but never actually living the day today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that work is bit depressing nowadays, so I have allowed myself to believe that I will be better off when I have a better job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that work is depressing me a bit, therefore I must wait for a better job now, not seen/realizing and understanding, regardless of the company situation, it is me who accept and allow the depression around my job, it is who I am, not the job, the job situation is simply an excuse for me to live out my depression patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am happy at work then my whole days and life can be happy, not seen/realizing I am waiting for happiness at work and putting my life on hold by WAITING. Not seen/realizing and understanding the WEIGHT I have created with waiting to live, instead of just living day by day here, enjoying, writing, blogging, cooking, walking, running, exercising, walking a relationship etc, do so much out there, INSTEAD I am WAITING for something in that putting my life on hold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself on-hold mood, believing that I am actually waiting for something. WAITING FOR WHAT? what am I waiting for?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for things to happen so that I can live my life, until then I have put my life on hold, NOT cool. I no longer wait for anything, as I can LIVE now. I can live now as effectively as I can without having to wait for an imaginary perfect FUTURE. Waiting for the perfect FUTURE, which may never come.

When and as I see myself putting my life on-hold, because I am fucking waiting for something, or someone to LIVE my life, I STOP, I breathe, and I direct myself to write out the points, and I direct myself to write a script on how to change the point of waiting and changing that into LIVING. NOT wait BUT LIVE. Because I see/realize and understand waiting is a WEIGHT, a heaviness. So I direct myself to write out the points of waiting and turn into actions, into doings, into LIVING them, therefore NO MORE waiting, no more WEIGHT.

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