Day 439 – Group dynamics, my desire to fit-in.

Hunchback-of-Notre-Dame

I notice that I have this extensive desire to fit-in, to feel a sense of belonging in the group, to feel accepted, and of course to feel liked by others, and the desire to be included by others. lot of shit actually, all rooted in not accepting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be included by the group members.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel left out by the group and its members.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if groups of people don’t accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be part of the group, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire the attention of the group so that I can feel as if they like me, they include me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be recognized by the group, so that I can feel good about myself, feel good that others are recognizing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry with the group members for not making me feel as if I am included among them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the group and its members because of the believe that they don’t’ include me and therefore they make me feel left-out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being left out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being included by the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety as I feel that I am not included, accepted, or invited by the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and fear surviving alone as a result of group rejection, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being just me, just alone, just breathing. in this I forgive myself for desiring to hide within a group so that I don’t have to STAND ALONE, just being me, just me breathing, just me within my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize it is my MIND that is fearing being alone, because the MIND wants constant attention/energy to KEEP itself ALIVE. In this I see/realize it is my MIND that is shaking in fear, not my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be part of a group, that I must be included by the groups I deal with, so that I can feel safe and secure, so that I will never be alone or feel alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being just me, fear being alone, fear just being in the body, just breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being thrown out of group membership. I see this is rooted from childhood memories where I was not included by the group called family, because my mother tend to cut me off from the family group, which I accepted as making me feel left out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize this left-out thing shows that I have left myself OUT, as I am not in the body, I am solely in the MIND.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being left out by others because I have left myself out, as I am not in the body, I am only in the MIND.

When and as I see myself experiencing the feelings of being left out, I stop, I breathe, and I realize this is a sign that I have left my own body, and entirely in the MIND, therefore I direct myself to BREATHE and be in body instead of the mind.

When and as I see myself experiencing the feeling of being NOT included by the group and its members, I stop, I breathe, and I direct myself to be aware of my body, and breathing, because it is clear my BODY is where I belong, not in some group membership.

When and as I see that group members are laughing, giggling and having fun among themselves, and in that moment when and as I see myself feeling all left out and ignored by group, I stop, I breathe, and I remain within my body, I anchor myself within my body. I direct myself to not force myself to participate with them, because I see/realize I do so out of fear of being left out, therefore I direct myself to anchor within my body, through breathing and being stable within my breath. Because trying to fit in and forcing myself to join them is done out of fear of being alone and fear of not being included, so the best solution is to anchor myself within my BODY. I mean, if I am leaving myself out, if I am ignoring me, then, that’s the first problem to fix, by remaining in and as breath and body here.

I support myself by breathing and remaining constant, steady, stable within my breath. I realize trying to fit-in, trying to force myself to fit-in, trying to start some useless conversation just fit-in is self-abuse, because in that I am not really having any real conversations, I am only trying to fit-in, so that I can feel safe. So I stop, I breathe, and be stable within my body and breath. And from that self-stability, self-equality, I can communicate, participate with others as equals, instead of trying to force myself within the group just to feel belong. Rather be alone and real, than being part of the group but fake, and so forcing membership within the group is being fake, because it is done out needing/wanting/desiring to be part of the group to protect my own mind, my own self-interest, which is fear of being alone. so the SOLUTION IS breathing/breath here as self-stability, as self-equality.

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