Day 461: Self-forgiveness on group dynamics (2)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not accepted by group of friends because I am not ‘cool’ as them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be ‘cool’ to fit in with people otherwise I am excluded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that group of friends don’t accept me because I am not as smart as them, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less-than others, as not good enough, as not smart enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that group of friends don’t accept me because I am not upto date of social matters, I am not up to date on pop culture matters, within this I forgive myself for believing that I am not up to date on all social matters, that somehow I am like a social illiterate, not know what’s going on in this world socially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that they don’t like me because I am not white as them, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see white people as superior and the rest as inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that group of friends, not seen/realizing and understanding what I really fear is my own judgement of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek their attention constantly not seen/realizing I am doing so to force them to accept me, not seen/realizing what I resist persist. The more I resist their non-acceptance of me, the more it persist. I mean, here the focus should be why I am not accepting myself fully, why I am not embracing myself fully, that should be the focus, self-acceptance, NOT what others do unto me. After all, what they do to me is a reflection of what I do to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when a group of friends just sit around in a circle and chit-chat among themselves, within that I Forgive me for fearing that I am not invited within that circle and therefore it is somehow a threat to my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being included, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being excluded, and I forgive myself for not seen/realizing that I have accept this belief throughout all my social interactions, therefore I see/realize this is a deeply buried mind-pattern within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when people give me attention and actually talk to me, sort of feel uneasy when people actually talk to me. within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is uncomfortable for me to have chitchats with people, and I Forgive myself for believing that it is sort of uneasy for me when I get attention from people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uneasy when people actually have direct one on one conversations with me, sort of feel uncomfortable and uneasy within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I am uncomfortable within myself and that’s why I am not at easy when I talk to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rank people, as some are more important than others, so the discomfort/uneasy comes from there, because I am not standing equal and one to them all. so I forgive myself for seen some as more than others, within that place myself in a superior or inferior position depending on who I am talking with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear those whom I see as superior than me. I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see some as intellectually superior than me, within that I forgive myself for seen myself as intellectually inferior to others, therefore in fear of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear cool people believing that they are up to par on all social and cultural happenings while I am like a nerd left out of what’s going on, within that I forgive myself for seen myself as less-than others because I am not well-read in cultural/social matters.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people who can solve problems quickly, within that I forgive myself for fearing them because of the believe that I am less than them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear smart people, because I carry the belief that they can punish, they can make me look stupid, they can withhold support for my survival. within that I forgive myself for believing that my survival on this earth will diminish when I am around smart people or intellectual people. Not seen/realizing all of us die someday, smart or not, intellectual or not, popular or not, cool or not, ALL must die someday, therefore I forgive myself for not seen/realizing that I am in fact equal and one with ALL because certainly 6″ underground we will equal and one for sure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others because of the belief that i don’t have anything cool to share or to say to them. in this I forgive myself for making things worse by saying shit just to fit in, not seen/realizing talking shit doesn’t get me anywhere. in fact talking shit will only make me unpopular. So I direct myself to speak when needed, speak only commonsense, speak only what is relevant, not just bullshit just to fill the gap. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak shit just to fit in, so that others will like me and accept me, not seen/realizing while I am talking shit, I am forcing others to talk shit back to me, which might be uneasy for them, hence they avoid communication with me, therefore I see/realize talking shit, talking nonsense is NOT the way to establish communication with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize by me talking shit I am actually pushing people away from me, from having any real intimate conversations with me, because I am a shit-talker, joker, so in that saying to them ‘go away’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly initiate conversations just to get some attention from the group, in this I see/realize my starting point is seeking attention from them. within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting acknowledgment from the group members sort of fitting-in with them, sort of trying very hard to fit-in with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am uncomfortable within myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not at ease within myself so that I have to have some conversation going to fill things up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am uncomfortable speaking/communicating with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the way I speak or for the way I express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for my English accent and believe that my accent is causing others to not be interested in conversation with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand self-acceptance is the key, without self-acceptance nobody else will accept me, meaning, they will only show me the mirror as a gift for me to correct myself.

Considering that we all stem from the same source, same substance called LIFE, or the LIFE-force, I am Equal and ONE with all that exist here. This is to be realized and lived, not just living inside the MIND as fears, as beliefs, as ideas, as opinions, but live as physical. Because within the physical body there exist that LIFE-force as a presence, as a ‘thing’ in the body, (by listening to death research interviews by eqafe.com I have learned that at the final moment, just prior to death, that LIFE-force leaves the body, leaving the body back to dust; have to listen to that again.)

So that force is here already. Breathe, become aware of the breath, as breath is the nearest ‘physical thing’ accessible to me, most intimate thing accessible to me, is my own breath. So wanting/desiring/seeking acceptance/approval/inclusion from others is a form of denying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here within and as the breath and just simply breathe, be satisfied with breathing. Absolutely no moment of thought/thinking, just breath, just breathing. I simply remain here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to engage in conversations with the group members just to feel as if I am a fit with them. In this I see/realize that I have to accept the fact that this group of friends like to remain as a group for themselves, so it is what it is, I mean, I cannot break my head over this, so I let go of my desire to fit in with them, and I embrace myself instead.

I accept myself, I embrace myself, with all my fucked-up-ness I embrace myself, I accept myself, and within that I take responsibility to sort myself out, to forgive myself for all that I have accepted and allowed myself to be, which has created the who I am today, I see/realize and understand, as the source, as the substance, the as LIFE-force that I am, I don’t live it such, I only live as a mind, so through breathing/self-forgiveness I let stuff go and BE/live as that life-force.

to be continued…………….. my social demons are coming out slowly but surely, a lot more to come, all my anxieties, paranoias about society, social interactions, people are coming out. so I can write them out and forgive them for once and for all.

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Day 460 – more on group dynamics

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I am craving/wanting/needing/desiring others to accept me, so that I can feel accepted within myself, this clearly shows that I have not accepted myself, nor recognized myself, nor respected myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger towards others because apparently they made me feel not recognized, not accepted, not respected, not seen/realizing and understanding that I have not recognized myself, not accepted myself, not respected myself, and from that starting point I seek others to accept me, recognize me, respect me, and when they don’t, I become angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand my starting point here is ‘please accept me because I have not accepted myself’, within that I will only be shown the mirror, to which I am reacting in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like to be part of groups, within that I Forgive myself for seeking group membership to feel alive and happy. I forgive myself for believing that being part of a group will make happy, and alive. I Forgive myself for believing that I must have a little group at work so that I can be part of them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be super lonely if I don’t’ have any group membership at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire group membership because of the belief that I am not good enough alone, I am not OK enough alone, I am not fine alone, in this I forgive myself for not seen/realizing and understanding that I am perfectly fine within myself in and as breathing, it just only my mind needing acceptance, recognition from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less-than the group, within the belief this group is so smart, and they are like amazing friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this group is a bunch of friends and I can never be part of, within this I forgive myself for fearing not being accepted by groups of people who are apparently amazing friends. I forgive myself for having the childhood memory where I wanted to play with some boys, join their group etc, and then one of the kids told me “we are not friends”, meaning I am not their friend, as if the kid wanted to make it very clear that I am not a friend to them nor want to be one, and I took it very personally and carried within me everĀ since and also fearing that any group of friends may not accept me, for whatever reason. in this I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry that memory and assume that all groups of friends will not accept me because they are so established within themselves as a solid group of friends. within this I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek people who are ‘loners’ like myself so that they cannot use the argument like groups of friends.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like to hang out with ‘loaners’ because of the belief that I will be just fine with loaners, I will be accepted by the loaners, not seen/realizing that I am only playing the safe card here, so that I will not be rejected as that old memory/fear I carry within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like loaners because I believe they will not reject me, or not exclude, within this I forgive myself for fearing when I see groups of loanersĀ hanging out together believing NOW this group could reject me because its a ‘group of friends, a group of loaners who are friends now’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear groups of friends because I believe that they got lot more in common within themselves and therefore I will not fit in. in this I forgive myself for not seen/realizing and understanding that I have built up a shit load of beliefs about group membership and accordingly isolated myself within my own beliefs that I have created since childhood. SO I see/realize and understand that I have to walk through all those beliefs, memories, fears, let them go for real. I mean, why bother to hold onto past memories, fears and live according to them.

lot more to come………………To be continued…………………

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