I see that I am not taking on points to completion in my writings, or at least into full investigation within myself. Sometimes I scan over a point, or write an overview about it, and at times not even commitment statements to follow. Today I was shown that about my blogs, needing to go a bit deeper into points. This is rooted in a lazy personality, or lacking in self-direction, or self-purpose etc. I have been pointed out this issue before as well, where I don’t really take on things 100%, instead just gloss over them, applying myself in half-measures.
This is an extensive, life long point I have dealt with in the past and continues even now. Basically, I do things half-way, with half-heart, with an “why bother attitude”. “why bother, who cares, they are going to disapprove it anyway”, I mean “who will like it, my mother wont’ give fuck about what I am doing or saying anyways”, “my father will always find something wrong about it anyways”, or, I could never live as good as my brothers, things like that, it seems I am already doomed, failed even before I start, so that’s why the “why bother” attitude is so deeply rooted in me. Its like “no matter what I do, they will not like it, nor they will approve it, nor will be as good as my brothers’s works” etc, some kind of a comparison gate through which I could never pass through.
I forgive myself for having the memory where my mother never ever acknowledged what I do, it seems only my brothers can do things right, whereas me, my work has no value unless it is approved by my brothers. What is the root of this, root of this is mistrust, they don’t trust me, and I don’t trust myself.
Its my memories of my parents, anything and everything I say or do must be verified by my brothers, only then my words/work has any value. By default my work is disregarded by them. I am not sure which came first, is it their judgment of me came first or, my sloppy self-application came first?
It looks like I have this self-judgement with me that I can never ever do something right because apparently my work cannot pass my parents scrutiny, it must be first approved by my brothers and then, my parents can say yes I have something of worth to contribute. oh man, its so subtle how they disapprove, its like 100% rejection, that’s the default state, then the burden of proof is on me to show that “see see see this has value, see my work has value, see see”. wow so much past shit coming to my head as write this. cool. I will continue self-forgiveness on this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was always failed and rejected by my parents without any reason whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as someone whose work and words were outright rejected no matter what by my parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories where whatever I say or suggest something to my dad he would outright reject it and want to my brother’s approval on it first, the logically implication being what I say has no worth or value whatsoever unless approved by my brothers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience confusion within myself because as growing up I couldn’t figure it out why that anything I said or did had no value whatsoever for my parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as NEVER good, not good enough, because my parents had to reject my work and words unless approved by my brothers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear suggesting or expressing my views because of the outright rejection I would get from them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected and less-than whenever my parents sought the approval of my brothers after downright rejecting whatever I had said or done. As if my very existence is worthless and useless to them, so my words and work are equally worthless and useless to them, unless approved my brothers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if they like my brothers more than me and that’s why my contribution is always rejected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience extreme rage when and as I see being rejected because they are awaiting for approval from my brothers on my work and words, while I wait and wait in state of utter despair and rejection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a sense of ‘why bother’, ‘who cares’, ‘what’s the point’, ‘they will fail me anyways’, because of the memories of my parents who never ever approved or liked or appreciated what I had to say or do. Its like I am an eternal failure in their eyes, someone who could never do or say anything of any value to them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a sense of unworthiness, self-rejection within myself because of my memories of the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking or doing anything to my parents because of the outright rejection I would get, and within this I forgive myself for seen myself as less-than my brothers, because without their approval things I say or do have no value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all my parents want from me is MONEY, just give them the money and that’s it, I am so good for that, no approval from anyone is needed for me giving out money for them. Within this I forgive myself for experiencing anger whenever my parents bring up the money discussion, for which no approval from anyone is needed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if my parents especially my mother always like to pit my brothers against me when we were growing up, and even now the pitting process goes on in very subtle ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel very uncomfortable when my parents and brothers all of us are together in one room, within this I forgive myself for fearing that like in the olden days they could team up against me, 4 against 1. within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the memories of the past where I was corned and targeted by the team of four, as if it was their family activity to poke fun/torture at me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am cursed by my parents in how they treated me, in how they pit me against my own brothers, in how they always rejected my works, my words, and even now how they do these subtle things to outcast me. within this I forgive myself for seen and experiencing the 4 against 1 attitude, “they vs. me” attitude all over again.
So what’s next? well, I will have to write a lot more self-forgiveness to let go of these memories, extensively, may be take some of these points within my MIND Construct work I am doing with desteniiprocess, and continue to dissect and finally let go off its control over me, I mean, for how long am I going to let the past memories direct who I am? For how long, am I going to hold on these memories, anger, rage, blame, etc within me and limit my life? for how long am I going to blame my parents, my memories of the past? The time has to come cut the past memories out, and LIVE here in every breath as a new fresh life. The time has come to take self-responsibility for who I am, not letting the past dictate me, I mean, otherwise, for the rest of my life, I will live under the shadow of my parents’s curse and in fear of my brothers, and pretty much a miserable life, repeating the past cycles into future. so time to write more SF, SCS, and finally live the correction in the physical.
Also how all this has contributed to the half-heart, half-measure man that I have become today, always doing things in a half-heart way, always doing the least, the minimum, just enough to get by, and that’s the root personality I have to remove/change and let go. So this is an extensive blog, more parts to follow.
To be continued………………
Join us, end your own curse with desteni.org