Day 447 – The curse of parents, part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the work I do must be verified and approved by others just like how my work and words had to be approved by my brothers back then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot do anything right unless it has been approved and verified by an external party just like how my parents sought approval from my brothers for my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot do anything into completion because all along the way I need approval and verification. in this I forgive myself for conditioning myself to rely on external sources for my work, always wanting, seeking validation, approval from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize it is my demand for approval from my parents what drove them to deny me more and more. its the principle of what you resist persist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am never good enough, that my work is bound to fail, within this I Forgive myself for wanting, desiring, needing, seeking others to say “yes you’re good, you’re good enough”. within this I see/realize my own starting point is “not good enough”, therefore wanting others to counter it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother because of the underline believe that no matter what she will disapprove me, that no matter what my work or words have no value to her, within this I forgive myself for feeling a sense of confusion, anger, and frustration because I simply don’t get it why is she always disapproving me, always rejecting no matter what I say or do? Though I do not understand why others do or say things, but I see/realize and understand that I must not take them personally, because what I have done is take my mother’s stand very personally and have fucked up my head with it.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my parents personally, take their words personally, take their views about me personally, not seen/realizing it is my responsibility to NOT to take their shit personally, I mean, it is their conditioning/brainwashing or mindset that is directing them to disapprove me not matter what. But who knows why. I mean what if some GOD says: “Anton, no matter what, no matter what, it has been written in stones (their minds) that they will ALWAYS disapprove, and ALWAYS rejected whatever you say or do, and that’s how it has been, and that’s how its going to be. Now, this is their mental diseases, a mindset, its how they have wired themselves as they grew up”. So hearing/realizing that, what is the point of taking them PERSONALLY? Its like taking a computer/robot personally, the robot will behave in its already set patterns, so taking a robot personally is foolish on my part, I am only harming myself by taking a robot personally.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek approval from the very sources that are very likely to deny to me. I mean, this is a vicious mind pattern, I seek ONLY from those who will deny it. It’s like total self-sabotage, deliberately go seek from those very clearly standing to deny me. SO this madness on my part, this is self-sabotage on my part. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek approval, validation, recognition and trust from my parents knowing absolutely well that their mindset/condition is to deny any approvals or validation for me, it’s NOT PERSONAL, its how things have been setup (by who?, I dont know, but certainly lack of education, lack of understanding, them wanting to feel good within themselves, are all part of that building up process. I mean, I cannot never ever know exactly why my parents have been totally dismissing me all these years, no matter what I say or do, I cannot understand why, but I see/realize and understand, taking them personally is something I have the power to STOP it).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear so-called family gatherings because of the fear of the olden days pattern of “they vs. me”. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘group dynamics’ because I believe that “they vs. me” is something I will have to face. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memories of “they vs. me” from my childhood where my mother would pit my brothers against me, leaving me isolated to defend myself, while “they” the family will go four against one, me the left out one. in this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to develop a sense that “they, any group dynamics I am part of is sort of against me, as if any group I am part of or I deal with, I must be careful about “they vs me” tendency, which I eventually end up experiencing. So I see/realize how this “they vs. me” mindset took root from early childhood via memories that I am still holding onto, which doesn’t’ serve me anymore.

So when and as I see myself experiencing that “they vs me” mindset within me, I stop, i breathe, because I see/realize this is an old mind-pattern that I developed as a child, which no longer serves me, so I stop, I breathe, and I direct myself see that “they” are only versions of me, NOT in separation to me, so there is no need to participate in the mind-thoughts/feelings/emotions as in opposition to “them”. We are here, life, equal and one, while I cannot change what others say or do, but I can certainly change what I say/do/think/accept/allow within myself. Hence I stop, I breathe, and STOP participating in the idea of “they vs. me” which had self-sabotage me for so long. No more.

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