Day 448 – More on ‘they vs. me’ dynamics

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear whenever my brothers and parents hang out together, within this I forgive me for fearing and having the thought ‘now the team is together, must talking some shit about me’. Within this I forgive myself for believing that any group dynamics has that ‘they vs me’ thing going against me, not seen/realizing how I simply create them out of past memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to detest the very sight of my mother speaking to my brother, within that assuming she must be pitting him against me, trying to start some fight between us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as less-than my brother specially when ‘they’ are in the same space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a ‘target’ the moment I see my brother and parents are together, within that assuming ‘they’ must have spoken some shit about me, ‘they’ must have been talking shit against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a victim when and as I see ‘them’ together, within this I forgive me for allowing the past memories to direct me, not seen/realizing I am not breathing here, remaining here within this practical physical moment. I see/realize and understand that recalling and thinking about past memories when and as I see ‘them’ together is not going to assist me to overcome that past-fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the past family fears dictate me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the past memories dictate me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to detest and avoid so-called family gatherings within the fear that when ‘they’ are together ‘they’ will talk some shit to me, as if some sort of poking game where ‘they’ must target me, or torture me, like in the olden days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am the enemy point within the family for the rest to unite against, so when and as I arrive, ‘they’ unite together, ‘they’ expand together, ‘they’ become whole again, and ‘they’ take on the sidelined one, and target me. within this I forgive myself for experiencing myself as being bullied by my parents who with my brothers form the ‘team’ to pick on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought where my dad is verbally bullying me just as I enter the house, some sort of taunting as if he wants to see how I will react. within this I Forgive myself for falling to that trap and actually reacting in the worse possible manner. I forgive myself for having the images and imagination within my mind ‘should have reacted with violence, should knocked him down until he become silent’. within this I forgive myself for desiring to violently stop the bully without considering its physical consequences (which might have been in the olden days).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the excuse ‘I just don’t understand how to bring normalcy into this family’, not seen/realizing me accessing my memories and not breathing within self-stability is a contributing factor. Its possible ‘they’ are merely showing me the violence, rage, the anger that I have accepted and allowed within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have violent thoughts within me as I write this. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought where I am exerting violence towards my father to have him stop his bullying comments. Not seen/realizing my reactions are his greatest achievement, because those bullying words were spoken to have me REACT in worse possible manner, giving him the satisfaction of bullying and me reacting to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my family as a team of bullies whose sole purpose is to taunt me or target me, as if its some kind of a family team-building activity for ‘them’. in this I forgive myself for not seen/realizing that I am giving my power to memories, I am allowing memories to dictate me, and direct me.

When and as I see/perceive any team dynamic as a team of bullies or as a team that is against me, I stop, I breathe, because in this I see/realize how I am allowing the past memories to repeat itself, past fears to repeat itself. So I stop, I breathe.

When and as I see myself reacting to any team of people together hanging out, or going out for lunch or just simply talking to each, enjoying each other, I stop participating in seen ‘them’ as against me, when and as I see such team dynamics, I stop, I breathe and I stop the reactions within me.

When and as I see my mother is talking to brother I stop reacting in fear, I direct myself to breathe and remain here without going into past memories.

When and as I see my parents together with my brothers in the same space, I stop participating in the fear of ‘them’ cornering me or targeting me, in this I see/realize how I am allowing the past to dictate me, so I stop, I breathe. I remain in and as breath, giving my power to myself, and NOT to some past memories.

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