Day 449: Self-forgiveness on fears to socialize.

Today I will be with a group of people for a social event, more like a compulsory social event, and I am already developing some apprehension about it, thoughts like “they vs me”, “why bother to hang out with these guys”, “they don’t like me anyways”, “they don’t include me anyways”, I mean “the only reason we sit together this time is because its compulsory otherwise they wont’ include me”, etc. I mean so many such thoughts, its like I am already preparing the way to mess it up. I mean that’s what thoughts do, they create enough mental energy for physical reactions/consequence to manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fearful about the social event today. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel apprehension about the event today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad already about having to attend this event. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘difficult’ about having to attend this event. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘wish’ if this event wasn’t compulsory.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being embarrassed by the idea of having to attend/social with a compulsory attitude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to this event, because I have already build up enough resistance to attend this, already got enough judgment and ‘bad’ thoughts about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought “they don’t include me otherwise, so why bother to socialize with them today”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought “they usually hang out with each other, so why should I bother to join them today, it will make me look stupid”. within this I forgive myself to feel as if I am stupid to attend this social event, not seen/realizing, if I hide in spite, if I avoid the event in spite, then it will be so obvious that I am in revenge/retaliation mood, kind of hitting back with spite, “I don’t want to be with you guys” sort of whinny/cry baby attitude, so I direct myself to participate in and as breath. This is what self-forgiveness is about living each breath as a fresh new life, no more carrying the past load in the head.

SO what is that mean to me today? It means going to this event with complete openness and without thoughts, emotions or feelings from past shit. SIMPLY breathe and GO, attend have fun, socialize, speak when have to, eat, mix and mingle, listen, things like that. OR I could hold onto all the so-called bad past experiences or memories with these guys how they avoided me, not included me, not invite me, not socialize with me etc, and carry all that shit on my head to this event today and totally spoil it for ME in spite, because ‘they’ will have a good time anyways regardless of me attend or not, regardless of my spite they will all attend it and have a good time, whereas me attending or having a good time is totally upto me, and totally upto my spiteful decision. SO here I will be tested today, will I carry the spiteful thoughts within me, will I carry the spiteful memories within me etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer not attending today just out of spite, just out of wanting to strike a revenge for not including me previous times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize everyone is so eager to take revenge, everyone is in a state of readiness to take revenge, hence spiteful, so where does this spite STOP? it stops with me. I am the one to say NO, and just breathe and attend the event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like being spiteful, it feels good to take revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like being spiteful because it feels right, not seen/realizing taking revenge/spite is a built-in pre-program, always ready to strike, always ready for that final strike, get it even baby.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thoughts “well they only included me today because its a compulsory event, otherwise they will not include me”, within this I forgive myself for having all kinds of thoughts build within me today, getting ready for spite. I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear attending this event tonight because it will be so obvious the only reason I am there is because its compulsory, within this I forgive myself for seen myself as NOT invited, NOT included, NOT welcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thoughts that “they won’t invite or include me otherwise”, “it will be odd to mingle with them within a compulsory attitude”, not seen/realizing these thoughts existing within my MIND only, and I allow them, I accept them, they have no reality outside of my little grey matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as the odd one out in the gathering today, because I am attending out of compulsory-ness not because I am ‘part of the group’ or because “I am so wanted by them”. within this I forgive myself for not seen/realizing that I am allowing past memories where these guys hang out together without inviting me even once, to dictate me, to direct me. I see the madness of what I am doing, what I am allowing, what I am accepting. I mean, wtf, just breathe, relax, attend, be here, breathing is important, the mind has a tendency to GO to places, so Breathe, be here, in the body, just participate in the event with total openness as if for the first time in my life. with a complete fresh attitude. I mean this is what self-forgiveness is about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear socializing today. within that I forgive myself to believe that I will not be ‘accepted’ or ‘included’ by them, well for this I have to include myself, I have to participate myself. If I attend with the attitude of not wanting to be there, oh well, then, they cannot include me, as I have already left myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I must accept myself first, I must include myself first within the social event today, be there, participate, self-include, self-invite, be here totally, breathe, fully take part, then, that’s cool, no need for revenge, no need for spite, just breathe, get through it, commonsense, its not the end of the world, just this one life to live, breathe, how hard can it be? only as hard as I make it to be.

SO I direct myself to participate in this event today without any heaviness from the past, I direct myself to breathe and be here, and let myself totally participate in the event today.

when and as I see myself thinking “oh but they never included me before, they always avoided me before, they never liked me before”, shit like that, I stop, I breathe, and I remain here.

when and as I see myself feeling STUPID for having to participate this compulsory social event, I stop, I breathe, and I realize that I am not stupid, in fact its an act of smartness to STOP spite and let myself to be with them, and mingle with them with a fresh mind. However, to be stuck in spite and past thoughts would be STUPID.

so I will attend today’s event, and give myself the freedom to breathe and be here and enjoy the social.

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