Day 451: Self-forgiveness on dependencies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am possessed by some emotional energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the power of emotional possession is something I give to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if this possession has more power than who I am. The power of mind is something I give to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify postponement of daily writing based on this emotional possession. “Oh I can do the writing later, I don’t feel well now, etc”. Not seen/realizing the cure to not feeling well is WRITING it out. Here ‘not feeling well’ means the MIND has gripped with loads of past memories and emotions. But I see even in that storm there is a slight self-awareness that can ‘see’ the storm, therefore able to apply breaks.

I guess the root of this emotional possession is that I have been feeling rather sad, lone and lonely over the weekend, its like a dreadful feeling, “oh I can’t take it anymore”. but its not really that bad when I slow down and breathe one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my so-called feelings as dreadful and within that I forgive myself to believe in the thought “oh I can’t take it anymore’, its so dreadful”. Not seen/realizing, its only an emotion, its only a thought. They come and go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel this sense of dreadfulness, as if this emotional possession is snapping my life-energy out of me, in this I see/realize emotional possession can snap life-energy out if I allow them to, If I permit them to, therefore I see/realize and understand the key is breathing through the storm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel this dreadful feelings as if I am going thru some drug-withdrawal syndromes. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power, myself to EMOTIONS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize relationship endings are like drug-addiction endings, there is a certain withdrawal symptoms one has to go through. As the addiction to ENERGY that was taken from RELATIONSHIP was like a drug addiction.

Because during the happy times, the addictive feelings were: love, warmth, acceptance, caring, sexual intimacy, compliments, care, concern, company, togetherness, companion, communication etc, and I believe that she gave me all these nice fuzzy feelings to make me happy. And now, as through the withdrawal phase, I am experiencing the opposite: Un-loved, No-warmth, Non-acceptance, No-caring, NO-sexual-intimacy, No-compliments, No-care, No-concern, No-company, No-togetherness, NO-companion, NO-communication, things like that, just the opposite. So the question to ask is why I have not given them to ME, and why do I depend on another to give those to ME. So now time to learn to GIVE myself , first through For-Give myself, though which I can GIVE what I have denied me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have NO-love because the love that was here is no more, hence I forgive myself to believe that there is NO-love in my life, but not seen/realizing I am self-love, I can GIVE love to me as me.  I can live this word as self-love, where I love myself first, where accept myself as love. In this ending the dependency for LOVE from another. In self-love I can share that love with another without the need for dependency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that now there is NO-warmth, not seen/realizing this is again a dependency, wanting and needing warmth from other, instead of giving myself the self-warmth that I am. SO I have to define warmth, as a living word, not as a dependent word. The act of breathing with awareness, becoming aware of my natural breath, the air movement in and out, the warmth of my own is self-warmth, therefore I see/realize the need, the craving, the addiction for warmth from another comes because I am not aware of my own breath, the warmness of my own. So I give warmth to myself by breathing with awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that now I am no longer accepted, I forgive myself to believe that I have no acceptance in my life, not seen/realizing, henceforth I give myself acceptance as self-acceptance, as I accept myself with all my fucked-up-ness, I accept myself, I stop judging myself, I stop blaming myself, I stop criticizing or condemning myself, hence I embrace myself, within this I take self-responsibility to correct my fucked-up-ness so that I can birth myself as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no intimacy because the intimacy that I had with another is no more, therefore I forgive myself for fearing the lack of intimacy in my life, not seen/realizing intimacy first must be self-intimacy, into-me-i-see, therefore I define this word intimacy as self-intimacy, where I direct myself to write daily, and get to know myself, embrace myself as in self-into-me-i-see.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with the ending of my relationship that communication with another has ended too, not seen/realizing this is not so, in fact, I redefine the word communication to be real, authentic, self-honest, and to the point, as in what is best for all, also in daily writing. so I communicate for real, authentically, self-honestly, in my daily writing and with whomsoever comes to my space. In this way, I redefine communication to be self-communication that is best for all. Not limited to just ‘talking stuff’ to the woman in my life, but rather communication that which is best for all either as in self-writing or simply having commonsense conversations in my daily life.

Join us: end your relationship dependencies. www.desteni.org

 

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