Day 452 – fear of punishment

mom

I read a post today by another Journey to Life blogger about the paranoia of being punished. I found it very supportive for me, as I have the very same pattern, the paranoia of being punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are waiting to punish me, its only a matter of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the childhood memories where my mom would manipulatively complain to my dad about me, which turns into me being punished without ever considering my side of the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memories where my brothers would complain to my dad about me, which usually have the same effect of me being punished. within this I forgive myself for believing that everyone is so good at finding my faults and having authorities punish me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and fear within myself when my brothers or my mom would complain to my dad about me when he returns home from work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience intense anger and rage towards my mother whenever she complained about me without any fairness at all, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a sense of depression and sadness that my mother never had a sense of fairness towards me in her assessments of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memories where my mother would readily accept any complain filed against me by anyone, as if they are speaking the absolute truth about me, without ever considering my side of the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my life as “they vs me” and they are out there to get me, to punish me. within this I Forgive myself for fear being punished. I forgive myself for fearing that I will never be given a fair chance to express my side of the story, and even if I express my story it will be unheard. within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself from others within the fear of being punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mom would never ever take my side, in fact she would join others so readily in crucifying me without any mercy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother’s anger, within that I forgive myself for believing that I will get NO MERCY from this woman, and in that believe all women are alike, and they will show no mercy to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being corned and targeted whenever my mother complain to my dad and he would say “is this how you treat your mother?” and then he turns into some super hero who will destroy this villain, me, who has offended my dad’s woman. by offending my dad’s woman, my mom, I have apparently earned the right to be punished, no questions asked. In this I see/realize the game that was going on. My mother wants attention from my dad, so what is the best way to get it, by whining and complaining about me to him, the moment he opens the door and steps in, even before he takes off his shoes, the whining show will start, and my dad would throw angry tantrum at me, the crushing of the villain who has offended his woman. within this I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic and experience intense fear, hurt and sadness for being punished for things I didn’t do or say. I forgive myself for feeling hurt within myself for not being heard by my parents, as neither of them considered my side of the story, nor considered my situation, so I forgive myself for feeling as if I am corned and targeted, and I forgive myself for carrying these memories within me till now and allow them to torture me, and guide my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear women, because I fear they might ‘punish’ me, might torture me, just like how my mother did. within this I Forgive myself for jeopardizing my relationships with women by assuming all women are like my mother, they are out there to punish me, to complain and bitch about me and then eventually to PUNISH me, to fire me, to discard me, to divorce me etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nobody will ever hear my side of the story, and will automatically find me guilty or sent me to be punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being punished, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unheard, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never given a chance to speak my side of the story, within that I Forgive myself for fearing that I will be automatically found guilty of any charge, and therefore automatically be punished.

within this I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes, because within that I fear being punished extensively, mercilessly, as if my mistake would give others, my mother, a god-send-chance to punish me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be petrified when my mother would get angry, and fear her anger so much, in that I forgive myself for fearing when people get angry at me, fearing their anger might translate into me being punished, just like how my mother’s anger got to me.

when and as I see myself fearing being punished by others, I stop, I breathe. when and as I see myself fearing being accused, I stop, I breathe, in this I see/realize those are memory based patterns that are running in my mind, so I stop, I breathe till the automation, the automatic assumption slow down, I support myself with effective breathing, where past knowledge/memory is not player.

when and as I see myself fearing that women might punish me, just like how my mother did, I stop, I breathe, and I see/realize that not every woman is my mother, and only 1 woman is my mother, so I stop and I breathe, not allowing past memories to be projected onto others.

when and as I see others are getting angry at me or, just angry at something, I stop, I breathe, because by breathing I am stopping the automatic assumption that they are angry at me and they are going to punish me, because I see this is a direct projection of my childhood memories, so I stop, I breathe, not allowing the past to repeat over and over.

Moreover, I see/realize that my mother didn’t know what she was doing, she too was possibly brought up as child in a similar condition, so she simply pass it on, from one generation to another, as this is how our world is fucked up today, sins of the forefathers. I see/realize my mother complaining about me, not hearing me, not considering me, always throwing me to wolfs, is not personal, I will not take it personally, its her mind-pattern, conditions, for which she will have to deal with, but it is unfortunate people don’t get proper parenting skills, and yet they bring kids and do all kinds of shit to them, abusing the child and themselves. SO I let go, not carry these memories within me anymore, as I see/realize and understand nothing is personal here, its the result of a fucked up world, so instead of taking these memories personally, I breathe through them and let them go. I am here.

Join us: learn to end your own fears of being punished: www.desteni.org

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2 thoughts on “Day 452 – fear of punishment”

  1. Wow, good on ya. I ask only this – don’t extend your forgiveness so far that you forgive punishment in general. It’s clear that you were over-punished (to put it lightly) – but realize that punishment, ANY punishment at all is wrong, only hurts, helps nothing. If, with your own kids, you don’t ever punish, at all, they will be safe from any over-punishment or abuse. It’s really that simple.

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