Day 456 – The armor of humor. When jokes hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn everything into some kind of joking-comment instead of hearing, listening to what another is saying and responding accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the moment I am in a bit relaxed group setting then I must go all out with my armor of humor, not seen/realizing and understanding, this armor can actually hurt people, insult them and obviously make me look like a self-made idiot, instead of standing as a point of self-awareness and self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to joke out of fear being left out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the armor of humor, meaning, it can cause unnecessary conflict/issues/hurts within the team instead of being a point of innocent laughter.

When I recall that moment, the moment before I said that stupid joke-comment, I notice that I didn’t’ pause, I didn’t’ check within myself about what I am about to joke, I mean I just went all out blindly, and then came the joking-comment which was not taken lightly at all, and equally the other guy responded in kind. I now see/realize while in group settings one has to be extra cautious, words, comments must be said with commonsense and/or awareness otherwise something nasty could trigger, a wild respond in others, as nowadays there is no more ‘system control’ within the minds of the humans, people basically are out of control and so anything/everything is possible. A momentary explosion of self is very possible, I mean when I look back at my joke-comment it was a momentary explosion of myself, I couldn’t hold myself back and contain myself just for a moment, just for a second, and look within myself the implication, the consequence of such jokes. I mean, I was just hell bend on getting attention for myself. FUCK.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-judge myself and be angry at myself for speaking those joke-comments yesterday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequence for what I said yesterday, thinking and believing that now I could get punished, not seen/realizing its too late now to worry about what happened yesterday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that “trying so hard” to fit in with others is backfiring on me, meaning, the more I try to fit-in, it seems the less I am succeeding on this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand I have compromised my self-responsibility and self-awareness in the attempt to FIT-in.

I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand my entire starting point yesterday was to be liked by others and to fit in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for this event, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself or being stupid and careless. I forgive myself for judging me as stupid and careless, not seen/realizing no judgement required, simply see it, realize it, understand it and correct myself to move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention to myself through humor, not seen/realizing this trick has not worked and not working, in fact people are showing signs of anger at me, as if I am bothering them or causing a stir while seeking self-attention. Obviously nobody likes a self-seeking attention seeker, which is what I have been attempting via my jokes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I cannot force people to include me in their midst, nor can I thrust myself into their midst via the amour of humor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize ‘place a guard against thy mouth’ is a perfect piece of advice for me at this stage, clearly, I must place a guard against my mouth and against my mind, meaning, check within myself before I speak, because it is now very clear my jokes are not opening the door for inclusion, which is what I want in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just say anything and everything just for being included, by naming it as ‘just joking’. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that every word I speak must be very specific, very supportive to bring what is best for all given any situation, in that I become a living example of self-responsibility and self-awareness, not an attention seeker.

when and as I see myself about to joke, I stop, I breathe, I check within myself the words that I am about to speak, I check within myself to make sure those words will not cause any harm to others.

when and as I see myself about to joke, I stop, I breathe, I check within myself the words to make sure I am not seeking attention for myself.

when and as I see myself about to joke, I stop, I breathe, I check within myself the words that I am about to speak, once I am very clear on the words within myself, I speak them with total self-awareness. In this, I see jokes are acceptable, humor is acceptable, as long as it is not based on ego.

I commit myself to check the words before I speak them.

I commit myself to check the jokes within myself before I speak them.

I commit myself to check the joking-comments within myself before I utter them.

I commit myself to breathe and pause myself so that I can check the words within myself before I speak them.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that the armor of humor can be defused through breathing and self-awareness, I commit myself to not continue this armor of humor.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand my attempts to fit-in through joking and making comical comments are not working, so I first seek to fit in within myself, become totally comfortable within myself within any given situation. Because if I am not comfortable within myself, I cannot easily fit in within others.

I commit myself breathe, when and as I am about to speak, about to joke, in that way, I will place a guard against my mouth/mind.

Join us: learn how to guard your mind and your mouth before you speak: www.desteni.org 

 

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