Day 460 – more on group dynamics

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I am craving/wanting/needing/desiring others to accept me, so that I can feel accepted within myself, this clearly shows that I have not accepted myself, nor recognized myself, nor respected myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger towards others because apparently they made me feel not recognized, not accepted, not respected, not seen/realizing and understanding that I have not recognized myself, not accepted myself, not respected myself, and from that starting point I seek others to accept me, recognize me, respect me, and when they don’t, I become angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand my starting point here is ‘please accept me because I have not accepted myself’, within that I will only be shown the mirror, to which I am reacting in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like to be part of groups, within that I Forgive myself for seeking group membership to feel alive and happy. I forgive myself for believing that being part of a group will make happy, and alive. I Forgive myself for believing that I must have a little group at work so that I can be part of them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be super lonely if I don’t’ have any group membership at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire group membership because of the belief that I am not good enough alone, I am not OK enough alone, I am not fine alone, in this I forgive myself for not seen/realizing and understanding that I am perfectly fine within myself in and as breathing, it just only my mind needing acceptance, recognition from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less-than the group, within the belief this group is so smart, and they are like amazing friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this group is a bunch of friends and I can never be part of, within this I forgive myself for fearing not being accepted by groups of people who are apparently amazing friends. I forgive myself for having the childhood memory where I wanted to play with some boys, join their group etc, and then one of the kids told me “we are not friends”, meaning I am not their friend, as if the kid wanted to make it very clear that I am not a friend to them nor want to be one, and I took it very personally and carried within me ever since and also fearing that any group of friends may not accept me, for whatever reason. in this I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry that memory and assume that all groups of friends will not accept me because they are so established within themselves as a solid group of friends. within this I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek people who are ‘loners’ like myself so that they cannot use the argument like groups of friends.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like to hang out with ‘loaners’ because of the belief that I will be just fine with loaners, I will be accepted by the loaners, not seen/realizing that I am only playing the safe card here, so that I will not be rejected as that old memory/fear I carry within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like loaners because I believe they will not reject me, or not exclude, within this I forgive myself for fearing when I see groups of loaners hanging out together believing NOW this group could reject me because its a ‘group of friends, a group of loaners who are friends now’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear groups of friends because I believe that they got lot more in common within themselves and therefore I will not fit in. in this I forgive myself for not seen/realizing and understanding that I have built up a shit load of beliefs about group membership and accordingly isolated myself within my own beliefs that I have created since childhood. SO I see/realize and understand that I have to walk through all those beliefs, memories, fears, let them go for real. I mean, why bother to hold onto past memories, fears and live according to them.

lot more to come………………To be continued…………………

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