Day 470: Workplace friendships, fear to stand alone.

cubeI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek friends at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am seeking friends at work out of fear to just be me, alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek friends the moment somebody have any conversations with me, as if I am so desperate to form friends so the moment someone speaks, I grab and try to turn into an obligation where the other person now feels obliged to continue conversing and having to do so regularly, just keep on the ‘non-existing’ friendship going.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing my things alone at work as if I always need some co-workers around sort of a family at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous when I actually engage in conversations with people at work, because there is always that underline question ‘will they become my friends, will we click, will we now permanently hangout out, are we going to be buddies,’ all sorts of thoughts I had as a child in early years. within this I forgive myself for always seeking and always doubting if somebody is going to be my buddy or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child always doubt if others will be my friends or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child ask the questions “are they going to be my friends, will they like me, are we going to be buddies, will we hang out”, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child fear being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having friends at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others dont’ like me, and within that I Forgive myself for always trying to impress others, crack jokes, pay attention to them, trying all sorts of tricks to keep them, non-existing friends as my friends, within that I forgive myself for not seen/realizing I am simply perpetuating a fantasy. friendships cannot to be constructed, cannot trick people to be my friends, cannot demand them to fill my fear of being alone, cannot ask them to surround me in my hours of isolation, in that what is that I am ‘giving’ to them? the only thing I am giving to them is my utter sense of fear and loneliness. whereas if I am stable, standing within myself then I am can ‘give’ myself to them, presence I care share, we share, hence sort of enjoy a ‘friendship’ for a moment. again life is moment by moment, there is no need carry a conversations into a friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my presence is here, this breath, not in some memory of the past, or desire of the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recall past conversations and ‘think’ about them as if I am hoping, desiring, counting those conversations to become potential for friendships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes talk shit in order to impress others, to show them what a cool guy I am, so that they will like me, seek to hang out with me etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rank people at work, seeking some while at the same time avoiding some others, all based on some priority that serves my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember past conversations and play them out in my mind, as if I am rewinding, replaying, to enjoy, feel good about it, to cherish the moments where some people were giving me attention, in that to hope ‘may be we can be buddy-buddies at work now’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize LIFE is here. I breathe here. I am here, my physical body is here, my breath is here, but ONLY in my imagination I have been replaying, thinking, desiring, fearing, seeking, liking, and avoiding people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a moment of conversation just like that ‘a moment of conversation’ nothing more, nothing less, but instead hope, desire, trick, because I am trying to turn that into a major friendship, a buddy-buddy system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being a loner during my childhood years within that i Forgive myself for fearing aloneness.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention, energy from others to make myself FEEL good, that’s the bottom line.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burden myself and others with the past memories I shared with them, sort of demanding, suggesting, hoping, to continue past memories again and again, sort of wanting them to turn into a buddy-buddy system with me.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand others to continue past shared memories/moments with me, in that very demanding the end of ‘friendship’ is born.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize friendships end when the desire/need for it is present. its a burden to having to carry on a past shared moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely within myself.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel left out within myself, and from that starting point seek friendships etc, not seen/realizing nobody wants to fill an empty soul, therefore I forgive myself for not accepting me, not embracing me, not being here as breath, as breathing, as life, as physical. I really don’t need a bunch of minds to form a circle of friends around me. I can stand on my own two feet. I am here, I am life, I breathe.

I commit myself to slowdown, breathe, and stop myself whenever I see myself talking shit just to impress others.  when and as I see myself talking shit to impress others to make friends, I stop, I breathe.  when and as I see myself demanding, desiring, seeking out friendships at work, I stop, I breathe, I direct myself to remain here, focused on the job, on the breath, and NOT give into the mind’s desire for  attention, for special ‘connections’ buddies-buddies. I am here.

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