Day 483: changing personalities.

self-forgivenessI missed a day of writing, and now the feeling of resistance and the urge to ‘not write again’ is strong, it goes to show how important it is to write daily, because one day of missing can easily become two/three days, and so on. The mind loves the postponement, so by missing a day I have given it a great chance to churn the feelings of postponement. But I can decide to push through the resistance, so here I am.

One point came up today is how I change personalities when I am with people. I mean, there is a marked difference, almost like I am putting on a persona/mask/play when with some, specially when I am around women. I mean who the fuck am I? changing from moment to moment based on whom I am with is not cool. So solution is obviously to stop and breathe and attend to the practical physical needs of the moment, get things done, plan things, communicate, discuss, listen, etc, no need for a circus-mask, no need for an extra add-on features, what is that I am trying to achieve by putting on a mask? to be liked?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change personalities from scene to scene based on whom I am with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on a circus mask when I am with RR.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on a circus clown mask/personality when I am with RR just to impress her and to be liked by her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself, my nature, my way of speaking, my way to communicating, my way of doing things when I am around RR, just to be liked, not seen/realizing I am actually creating the opposite effect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk on and on and on when I am with RR as if I am trying to impress her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that trying to impress people doesn’t work, it in fact it backfires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am in the mind not here as my physical body as I communicate with others, in that I see/realize being in the mind means I have to project energy/persona to keep up the entertainment going, whereas if I am here as body then I can attend to the physical needs of the moment, no need for mask/persona plays.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interrupt RR a lot, not seen/realizing ‘listening is a gift’ allowing another to speak/share their ranting and raving. Allowing them the space to be sort of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on a comedy mask when I am with women, as if I am trying to make them laugh, make them happy, or trying to impress them, all to just get them to like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to impress women, within this I Forgive myself for changing myself from one personality to another in order to impress others, so that I will be liked.

when and as I see myself ‘changing’ my persona/personality when I am around women, I stop, I breathe.

when and as I see myself putting on a circus-clown like funny guy persona when I am around women, I stop, I breathe.

when and as I see myself talking excessively as if to impress another, I stop, I breathe, and I direct myself to listen, because I see/realize and understand there cannot be communication without listening.

when and as I see myself in ‘lecturing’ mode, I stop, I breathe. I direct myself to engage in conversations based on speak/listen mode, not just ‘listen to my lecture’ mode. Because I see there cannot be sharing without listening to another regardless of what they have to say, I direct myself to listen to their point of view clearly without my pre-judgments, and then I can offer my common sense perspective.

I direct myself to breathe and ground myself as I communicate with others, not allowing mind-based personality swaps to take place. I realize the mind is very ready to swap personalities, masks, depending on the moment, who is around, I don’t have to allow this, I can breathe and walk the physical moment, NOT a mind moment. As a physical moment, I do not require a mind show, I am here as a physical being, and doing what is physically required of the moment. I see a mind-moment is when my mind is in control, not me,  not me as the physical.

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