day 484: changing personalities (2)

writeI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘act’ when I am with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on a ‘show’ when I am with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others by not being myself here in this physical moment. By ‘acting’ I am actually separating myself from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize the reason I am trying to impress others is because I fear them, so to appease that, I am trying to be a clown to be liked by them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my personality when I am around women, as if I am putting on a show to attract their attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the idea that women don’t like me. within this I forgive myself for holding onto the memories where I had no relationship with my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memories where I would try to get her attention without success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship to my mom as non-existent where we just lived as housemates enforced to live together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame her youth as the reason why we didn’t have a good mother-child relationship, believing that she was too young when she had me, and not ready at all to be a mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the idea that ‘she was too young and not ready to have a child and within that she messed up my life too’, in this I Forgive myself for not seeing/realizing she didn’t mess up my life, she gave me life, brought me to this world, raised me up, but due to lack of education and life-understandings she simply couldn’t develop an effective intimate relationship with me through the growing up years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a feeling of lack believing that there was something missing between us. Not seeing/realizing that she was there to provide the necessities to help me grow up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea of fear that not having a relationship, a good relationship with one’s mother may  jeopardize all relationships with women in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to ‘earn’ their attention, have to make them like me, and for that I have to be some sort of a clown or joker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the idea that because I ‘never’ had a good relationship with my mom, it could inevitably result in failed relationships with women in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my mother, and in that resist the past and sort of go into a subtle attack/spite towards her. Not seeing/realizing it is what it is, past education, historical and cultural context, her own life/marriage situation etc, her youth and other family situations contributed, so blaming or carrying a grudge doesn’t help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was cursed by my mother because apparently I was an ‘unwanted’ child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the idea that somehow I must have been an ‘unwanted’ child, I can see how I constructed this insane idea based on comments I heard here and there, and just magically strung them up together to create the belief that I am an ‘unwanted’. I mean who in this world decide if Life is wanted or unwanted?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection from women because apparently I believe that I was rejected by my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the past may repeat itself, not seeing/realizing the past will repeat itself if I keep on seeking attention and keep on ‘acting’ to get their attention. Because in that I am showing a lack, so I will receive more of the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am carrying a ‘void’ from the past, and in that I forgive myself for looking to ‘fulfill’ that void within me, not seeing/realizing nobody can fill a mental void that exist within me, for which I alone am responsible for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past relationship with my mom has created a ‘void’ within me, not seeing/realizing I am perpetuating/holding-on to this void by thinking/feeling about it, otherwise it is simply a past memory, but I charge that memory again and again by giving it ‘life’. Not seeing/realizing the void exist because I am continuously re-creating it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the childhood memories where my mother’s disapproval of me was constant and severe. within this I forgive myself for believing that she would never ever approve me of anything. within that I Forgive myself for fearing when I meet women thinking and believing that I may get the same treatment. Not seeing/realizing I am already setting it up for them, by projecting a void, a lack within myself. within this I Forgive myself for believing that I needed then and now the constant approval and validation from my mom, not seeing/realizing that I have created a belief and a lack thereof. Why do I need anyone’s approval? Can I live without approvals?

To be continued….

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